need more answers-sick w/anxiety-should i leave him?

Question

been with my bf for almost 3 years. about 3 weeks ago we decided i should move in w/him (my apt lease is up in Feb) so i gave me apts my notice to move out. i have 3 girls part-time ages 8,6,and 5 that he's very close to (i'm 28). he's 29-no kids,never married or lived w/anyone.

over the past 2 weeks-the kids and i have been spending everyday/night there. we spent christmas at his sister's house.

tonite about 10 mins before i was supposed to leave for work-he tells me that he's not ready for us to move in!! I was SO upset. he said that he just needed more time to get used to the kids being around 24-7 and since work has been really stressful for him (which it has)-he hasn't had time to focus on getting used to them. i started to cry and got up to leave and he said he was sorry. i got so angry at him for waiting to tell me right before i had to go to work and he said there wasn't really a good time TO tell me. please read rest..important

he said that he was doubtful about it before i turned in my notice at my apts but wanted to give it a try b/c he loves me and the kids but after the hectic week at work right before christmas and coming home to the kids making noise, him not being able to sleep,etc he realized it was too much right now. he didn't want to tell me right before christmas and have me upset so he waited.

i'm devastated!! i am thankful that he was honest w/me but why wait till RIGHT before i had to go to work?!! i ended up being an hour and half late b/c i was so upset.

he said that he didn't want to break up with me and didn't want me to leave him but he just isn't ready for us all to live w/him and promised to help me find somewhere to go.

what should i do? i really do love him but I'm so hurt,stressed out,and sad.

thanks for all advice!!

Answer 1

i think you should see if you can stay with him long enough to find yourself another place to live. i dont think you should break up with him. he is being honest with you. it is hard for someone who has no children to go from seeing them sometimes to all the time. that is alot of responsibility to take on. give the guy some time. as long as he's not abusing you or your children then he sounds like a good guy. i am a single parent myself and know your struggle. you pretty much have to go with your gut. i assume you have joint custody? thats what i have and i have my kids every other week. it is difficult for childless men to adapt to that. i feel your pain and its not fair - if he had doubts then he should have let you know before. sometimes you get into things that seemed like a good idea at the time. put yourself in his shoes and walk around for a day or so. do what your heart tells you.

Answer 2

I understand where he's coming from but honestly these are things he should have been aware of by now. If he's been with you for three years he should know by now if your kids are noisy and what not. I understand how it must be difficult for him so since you love him you should give him some more time. Just make sure he knows that it can't go on forever and also he really does need to help getting you back into your own place (needs to pay the deposit or something and be VERY helpful in moving all your stuff). It just wouldn't be fair if he didn't help you get into a new place since he made you feel it was okay to move out of your current place. Who knows, maybe they have already set it up for someone else to move in. After being with you for three years and knowing your kids all that time he should be well over all his commitment fears and yada yada by now. Hopefully he learns from this that since he does love you he needs to be WAY more considerate and be honest with you BEFORE you make any huge changes to your life. Not only that but he needs to be aware of how hurtful it is to make you feel like you aren't welcome because of your children. I am a single mother myself and any boyfriend I've had we have always had issues with the fact that I have a daughter. My current bf is still trying to get used to staying the night while she is home with me. I don't think you should break up with him just yet. He did say he is stressed about work so maybe once that is over with he will realize that it's not really that big of a deal.

Answer 3

well a gf and 3 kids is a big change. If he isn't ready, then he isn't ready. You're right, it wasn't a good time to mention it, but sometimes it's hard to get stuff like that said and it seems to happen at exactly the wrong time!

You've said yourself that you love him. Do you see a future with him? Perhaps you need to keep living on your own for a while and slowly transition to a move. Maybe next time have him move in with you so you're not stranded for a place if it doesn't work! Also, maybe have him stay over part-time and gradually work towards full-time living together.

Answer 4

Keep a calm head foremost: you still have till Feburary. On the ASAP, contact your landlord and retract your move out notice. If they don't wish to continue your lease, you have till Feburary to look for and move into another apartment, which I feel you'll be OK there either way.

Now, let's focus on the loser who caused you this grief:

There's a clear reason why this 29 year old has NEVER been married nor has kids....and you have seen it up close and personal. Sure, he's honest---but he's a loser lunk-head.

Get your home situation stable for your girls sake....then lose the frog of a guy. Move on w/ your life and hopefully soon--you'll find a REAL prince of a guy; make this boyfriend your ex.

Answer 5

I think that taking on a family takes a LOT of time to adjust to. I have been remarried for 8 years and its still tough sometimes for him to deal. In my opinion give the guy a break and try to understand if its not too hard on you :( It doesn't sound like he made the decision trying to hurt you it just sounds like he is confused. I would try to have him stay with you an a more regular basis to see if he can handle the kid thing. If not, eventually you'll grow apart. I wish you the very best from someone who understands! God bless :)

Answer 6

let him help you find another place. living together is an adjustment for a couple. now, factor in 3 children. if you live on your own, you may be able to not breakup and allow the relationship grow. if he really loves you, then give it time and give him time to get used to the kids. then, see what happens. good luck to you, sweetie.

Answer 7

Who the heck wants three kids that aren't his. I wouldn't. Sure he loves you and whatnot but three kids! that aren't his! living in the same house! Usually it takes a long time to have three kids and you kind of get used to it after eight years, and feel some responsibility to those kids since they're yours. I wouldn't even talk to someone with three kids. This man is a saint. You should give him every consideration and respect. Finding a new apartment oughtn't be too difficult. I'll bet you he'll help!

Answer 8

Renew your apt. lease,..apologize to them for giving notice,..explain to them about the moronic idiot you were seeing, and as you said feel fortunate that you hadn't already moved in with him,..both you and your girls will have a happier life moving on without him as a part of your lives.

Answer 9

at least give him some credit. he's probably as stressed as you are at the moment and it might've been hard from him to tell you about what he's been thinking lately. i think you should talk to him about what's not working out with the moving-in situation, and try to work things out from there.

Answer 10

after 3 years i would have thought he would have had plenty of time to decide if he wanted you and the kids,or just you,,,i sayditch him he hasnt matured yet.