My brother has been out of the country for 3 years and showed up unexpectedly about 3 days before Christmas.?

Question

The last time I saw him we thought he'd be coming back. He fell in love and married abroad.This was the first time I've seenhim in 3 years and the first time I'd met his wife.She seems to be a very nice person.I only had an hour with him on Sunday,hardly enough time to talk about all that has gone on in 3 years.He said he'd see me Christmas day but he was a no show,not even a phone call.He and his wife will be leaving on Tuesday or Wednesday and I work everyday until then.I am so disappointed that he didn't make an effort to see me.I wanted to share the photos of my brother as he was growing up.When he was younger ,my husband and I took my 3 younger siblings everywhere even after we had our own children.We have always had a good relationship.I know he has always lived his life "the spur of the moment" so I'm not really surprised about his behaviour.I didn't even get a moment to take some pictures of us together.I'm hurt and disappointed..I think this was a lost opportunity.

How would you feel in this situation?

Belen,I wish that was the case.However my other brother called me on Christmas to see if I had heard from him.The people where my brother adn his wife were staying were waiting to pull the turkey out.He went off visiting a friend and didn't bother to phone.He ahs always been irresponsible and I can accept that.What I have a problem with is his exposing othes to this emotional roller coaster.I would have loved to have spent time talking with his wife,she seems like a very wonderful person.

I agree with those people who said I should call him but he hasn't given any of my family a contact number where he is staying .However he did know my sister's address long enough to give her a half hour visit and to borrow her car for the duration of his visit.I am not as upset about us not reminicing about the past but I thought it would be great for his wife to see pictures of my brother,her husband,as he was when he was younger.It would also have been a time to share what is going on in our lives.I guess I didn't think it was much of a visit because he kept asking what time the stores closed.When my daughter suggested that they get a Facebook account so they could keep in touch.No mailing address, no phone number ,no e-mail....so yes it was a missed opportunity.I had so much to say and had no time to say more than hello and goodbye.I had no problem him wanting to see old friends but if he had shared visits with family we could have all had more time.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry, I know you must be very hurt. I helped raise my brother and we have remained close, even though he lives in another state. But there was a period when he got married and started his own family that we didn't talk to each other very often and I missed him. People change when they are away, their lives go in different directions than before. His priorities are different now probably, but that doesnt mean he doesn't love you or remember the times you spent with him. He may not be as sentimental as you as far as the past goes, but that still doesn't mean he didn't enjoy his time with you and have good memories of them. I will admit it seems a little inconsiderate of him to give you so little time but forgive him, write him a good long letter telling him you miss him and would like to spend more time with him and his wife the next time they are in the country. You might make him a photo album of the pictures you wanted to share with him, send it to him, he'll probably get a kick out of it. He is lucky to have a sister like you and if he doesn't realize it now, he will one day, just keep on loving him like you do, he'll come around.

Answer 2

Lost..Not at all. My advice is to give him a call. Talk to him and express your feelings. During the conversation he'll more than likely shy down and not be as talkative as you. Its during that moment you take control of the conversation and express your true feelings. Deeply not lightly. Once he hears how you really feel it should open his eyes, perhaps remind him that although overseas a 10 minute phonecall once a week is nice to expect or something along those lines. Exchange email address or something , find an address and send a family photo and ask for a family photo in return ( his wife and himself )
Might not be a big help, however those are some avenues and options id suggest.

Answer 3

Ah,Gussie - I feel for you.That must have been so upsetting.
Put it down to men's inconsideration - and you said yourself that he is a "spur of the moment" person.
Do,as others have said,let him know how you feel in as light a way as you can and let's hope that he will visit again and remember that.
There's not a lot more that I can say not knowing him but I do feel for you - I really do.
You really must write and let him know how you feel for his own sake as much as yours - he may not even realise how his actions have hurt you and needs to know not as a "punishment" or to make him feel guilty but so that he will stop and think twice over such things in the future.
Best wishes,
Joan.

Edit: Perhaps you can build up some sort of relationship with his wife also and she will be able to explain to him how wrong it was assuming that she had no idea of the arrangements herself.

Answer 4

Maybe he was busy seeing his old friends or showing his wife around, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think much of you . Since he had already met with you for an hour, he probably didn't think he had to spend another day with you. I don't know how far you live apart from him, but it's not like it was the last time you two were going to see each other, is it?

Answer 5

`Of course you feel hurt. Now have you expessed your feelings about this behavior with your brother? Tell him "that when you did what you did on Christmas, I felt...." and express your true feelings over the phone. Maybe he'll think twice next time if he knows ho his actions affect you.

Answer 6

Maybe he had an emergency or he needed to attend to something that happened unexpectedly. Give him the benefit of the doubt before you feel so hurt about his inability to see you.