Two Faced Mom?

Question

My mom is a hypocrite. She is nice and polite to everyone else, including my spouse and our little boy, except me. The way she behaves around me I might as well call her a biatch. She talks way too much and nags, she critizes and patronizes me, she acts like she doesn't listen to me when I converse with her politely about anything. When she talks to me, I try to have patience and acknowledge what she says and listen to her, but she will take it too far and start saying things that becomes offensive to me. She doesn't think before she opens her mouth. She makes me mad and one time I tell her I'm not stupid and she had a cow about it. So when I was getting ready to drive her back to the hotel I wanted to make sure she had her seatbelt on and she says "YES! I'm not STUPID!"
When she snapped at me like that, I just ignored her because I knew that I'm more mature than this 58 year old woman. I know she won't change. I swear I will not treat my own kids the way my mom treats me..
WDYT?

My mom visits me and my family once a year, sometimes more, so my son knows his grandma. We live in a different state than her. Mother is nice and sweet to our son and my spouse but she treats me like crap. Her way of disciplining my son is to give my son what he wants. She butts in and takes sides with my spouse as usual on how I feel is right on discipling our son. My mom is always picking my spouse's side. It's always a battle with her. Thanks for the vent.

I'm not sure if I even covered everything hehe. There's more to it but not enough room to write. I love my mom but it is very difficult to respect her.

My mom is also a religious zealot christian. She tries to convert my beliefs on hers. I am not religious and I don't go to church (I guess I'm gonna go to hell huh). She says she has to save my soul. She says she's been visitng us for 3 years and we haven't taken her to church yet.

LindaJun- That's a great advice. I will be sure to use it, next time I associate with her.

Answer 1

There is nothing you can do - she is how she is and won't likely change how she treats you.

One solution (that worked very well for me with a biatch friend) is whenever she starts in on you or says something offensive, simply get up and walk away. Don't say anything, don't explain. Just walk away and go somewhere she can't follow.
Do that often enough, and she will either change or at the very least you don't have to listen to her.

Answer 2

I had to make a lot of new friends , just to feel normal. When a parent betrays you, you need a special comfort zone , full of amazing supportive people. Don't let your mother make you feel guilty, bad or what my mother said "impossible" . Every time I had a different way of looking at things, my mother would call me "impossible ". I could never have a rational adult conversation with my mother, she would blow up at me or say "you're a pest". My dad that died , warned me about my mother, they were happily married , but he told me, my mother has a two faced side. He said " your mother will never see your side, and try to understand you" . I'm an independent adult and to this day, she stills treats me like a child. She gives her friends respect , but never gives me the same respect of my feelings. She has done things to me, she would never do to her friends. An example , is when I was saving keepsakes in a trunk for my little sister. I wanted to give these things to my sister, and told my mother, I'm keeping them in the attic. I go back to her house ,and find out she gave them to the Good Will. She said " they weren't that important!!!!" She got mean and yelled at me. I did get them back, but it took a long drive and lots of explaining. People always ask me how my mother is. She has them fooled, they think she's sweet. I say fine and stuff, but I really want to tell people how emotionally abusive she is. When I see something as important, it doesn't matter, because she thinks only her opinion matters. There are people out there, that will take the place of a two faced parent. I know one, she's so sweet, I can tell her these I could never tell my mother. She also thinks my mother is very controlling. All the best. I'm seeing a psychologist, I have felt hurt for years. My thoughts and opinions were not valued by my mother, it does hurt. Never hesitate to get help.

Answer 3

This is more common than you think..... my mom used to be more or less like that, and one of my best friend's mom is a real ***** with her but is adorable to her other 2 children and to other people. My psychologist says it's because sometimes moms see their daughters as rivals / competitors and that's why they don't behave the same way towards their sons (or in this case son in law = your husband).

I only stopped having big fights with my mom when I moved out of her house. It's been 6 yrs now and we get along a lot better, she's always glad to see me and even helps me when I need it. Of course she'll never love me as she loves my brother, but she's a lot more tolerant than she used to be a few years ago. Also, she used to criticize me and offer her unsollicited opinion about how stupid I was when it came to my sentimental life. She was rude to my ex BFs. So I stopped taking my BFs to her house and avoided telling her ANYTHING that had to do with this topic. She knows nothing about my personal life, and that's better cuz now she doesn't bug me anymore.

I agree that the only thing that helps in these cases is distance. If she visits you more than once a year, then make it once a year only (e.g. for Xmas). If she intends going at some other time of the year, tell her you already have plans, will be traveling at the same time, whatever. If she thinks you're only making up excuses not to see her, even better.... she'll see what dealing with a hypocrite feels like. It sucks when moms act this way... and even though I know they're our mothers and we must love them and cherish them while they're still here, I also think we don't need to take crap from anyone. So you should probably start acting colder towards her, and if she cares and notices she might then ask you what's wrong and you could speak up and tell her what bothers you about her attitude. She's not likely to change but maybe if she sees that she's losing you she might TRY to be a bit nicer..... good luck!

Answer 4

The best thing i can think of (without knowing the situation entirely) is to just stay away! Distance makes the heart grow fonder...

I've had sooo any problems with my family. I was a bit of a 'black sheep' and moved in and out of hoe several times, now i've been living abroad for 3 years and just spent the first christmas with them in that amount of time. You'll never be able to change ur parents attitudes, only yours. Just be more tolerant and don't ever see her! Perhaps after a while she'll be more receptive and friendly once she's realised ur time together is limited???

Answer 5

You do not have to socialize with someone you dont like being around. I dont understand why all these people put up with this kind of stuff. You have absolutely no obligation to see her, let her come to your house , or even drive her to a hotel. Tell her her behavior isnt going to be tolerated. She can be civil or dont come visit. Being a blood relatve doesnt mean you have to put up with them. I have a older sister that is the same two faced way. She treated me like crap growing up was a mean selfish person. I havent talked to her more than a couple times in 20 years. I and really could care less if I ever do. My home and my life is my business if I dont like you I'm not having you over. Simple as that.

Answer 6

Wow. It sounds like this is verbal relationship that you don't deserve. She sounds like a very unhappy person who doesn't like herself or anything or anyone else around her. If I were you, the next time she's that way, stand your ground. Point out her ugly behavior and that you are an adult and it's time she treats you like one. If nothing changes, then so be it. You've said your peace, just keep her at arm's length. Don't go out of your way to communicate with her or do favors for her. I was 30 when I finally stepped up to the plate with my dad. We've been good as gold ever since; and I'm 36 now =) One of two things is going to happen with this. She's either going to realize and be different with you from now on, or it's going to make her even more mad and then she won't talk to you at all. Either way, you're adult, you don't deserve for ANYONE to talk to you that way =) Good luck, and take care!

Answer 7

I think you and I must've had the same mother LOL No, seriously, my mom had many characteristics as your mom. My mom dished out all kinds of hell and drama all my married adult life. It was not until she had passed on that my brother, sister and I figured out that she was basically a fruit cake. After speaking to her doctors, etc. she should have been on anti depressants for many years. She would not see a doctor for any reason.

My advice to you is if you can't get her to see a doctor, then limit your time you have to be around her. Seek approval from friends and other family members. She will never give you the approval a daughter needs to have from her mom.

Answer 8

I so know how you feel. You are right she wont change and you dont have to put up with it at all.
You need to tell her and make it clear its not up for debate, she can treat you with respect or not come around. Let her know you love her, but you are not going to listen or tolerate this anymore.
You have children of your own and they will pick up on her meaness to you and they will also do it.
Put your foot down, but with love and then be sure you follow through!!!!!
If you dont, it wont stop and your spouse, kids and whom ever else will see that you are one to run all over, trust me they see and hear more then you think!

Answer 9

If she acts like a child then treat her like a child. If she gets on her nerves then don't do what she wants until she changes her tune. You could use the subtle offensive strategt by offending in little unnoticable ways like saying "If we got a dog it would be good exercise for you". Or you could go with public humiliation, and when she is with a group of people be like "ohh but mother you told me that she is as fat as a cow". If she has a Blockbuster online account you could go in there and rent a bunch of movies that you know that she would hate watching. (that's what i do when my dad annoys me).

Answer 10

Regardless of the fact that this woman is your mother, she is crossing the boundaries. She is disrespecting you, and butting in your marriage in your own home. You are a grown woman, you don't deserve to be treated this way, and you don't have to tolerate it. The next time she does or says something offensive to you, tell her, "That was very rude, and I'm not going to take it. If you are going to continue talking to me this way, you are not welcome in my home any longer." And mean it. Show her the door if you have to. When she realizes you are serious, she'll straighten up her act.

Meanwhile, you need to talk to your husband. It sounds like there is something going on between the two of you that needs sorting out. Parenting needs to be united...you have to set up rules and punishments together and stick by them...that may mean compromise. In either case, you need to get him to agree that any disagreements between the two of you should be kept between the two of you...that when he allows your mother to be brought into it you feel ganged up on.