cant let go of a grudge that i have against my father?

Question

i think i really hate my dad...
about a month or so ago, my dad my diagnosed with serverre emphasyma, from smoking, the doctor told him that he had to quit smoking and he had to use oxygen. my dad quit smoking and he used the oxygen, for only a month. and then a few days ago he started smoking again. i got very mad/upset with him and i told him that i hated him and i hope he dies. at first i thought i didnt mean it, i tryed to apoligize to him but he told me that i wasnt really sorry, and he told me that i had to leave until i learned to be "nice and respectful" towards him. that made me even more angry at him.. for the past 2 days i have been staying at my moms boss' house, thinking about everything that happend, and i realized that i think i really do hate my dad and i meant everything i said. and i have the grudge against him, i cant stand to look at him or hear him or anything....i dont want to hate my dad, how can i let go of this grudge?
(sorry about the spelling mistakes)

Answer 1

Tobacco is a very strong addiction; it's very hard to stop. It probably really hurt him that you said that to him and he knows what he is doing is wrong and he wants to stop it and he didn't need to hear it from you. Maybe you can try again to apologize to him and try to see his side of it and hopefully he'll forgive you.

Answer 2

Telling someone to die is a bit cold. And holding a grude should be because someone did something to you that has effected your life in a negative away. I think you don't hold a grudge against him but you are more disappointed with his disregard towards his own well being.

Answer 3

I don't think you really hate your Dad. If you hated him you wouldn't be this upset that he started smoking again. I think your afraid of loosing your Dad and if he doesn't stop smoking that is what is threatening his life. Please understand that it takes a lot to stop smoking. And a person who smokes that has been told he could die is going to want a cigarette. Actually, it is not uncommon that people who eventually are on oxygen from smoking don't quit. They smoke so much that they can't quit. The addiction is that strong. I am sorry about your Dad. But you need to know that you don't hate your Dad; you hate the situation. And I know your Dad is hurting that you said that to him. If it didn't hurt he wouldn't have sent you away. He probably is ashamed of himself and imbarrassed that he can't quit; that's why he is having a hard time facing you. I hope this helped.

Answer 4

wow. that's so sad. it might help to let go of your grudge if you understand a little more about smoking. even though doctors told him to quit, that doesn't make it easy. it shows it mattered to him since he quit for a whole month. quitting smoking is one of the hardest things people who smoke will ever do. i have been trying to quit for over a year now and the longest i've gone has been 3 weeks. try to understand that he does love you; he's just angry. i'm sure the things that have happened are just as stressful to him as they are to you so he probably said some things he didn't mean as well and maybe has too much pride to tell you he's sorry. the best thing you can do at this point is to show him your maturity by telling him you're sorry (and don't apologize for things you're not sorry for; he'll see it and think you're faking). let him know you want things to be better and even if he doesn't react the way he should, show him you can be the bigger person by letting it go. he's not perfect, and neither are you so try to cut him some slack even if he doesn't cut you any. i know this doesn't sound like i'm answering your question, but i am because once you're able to step above this situation, you'll realize you do love your dad and you won't have a grudge. it's hard, but you can do it. good luck

Answer 5

I don't think you hate your dad, I think you hate the thought of him not having enough respect for himself and his loved ones to quit a bad habit that could potentially kill him. My husband went through something similar with his dad. His dad was a smoker, as long as my husband can remember, from a young child he had tried to get his parents to quit smoking, they wouldn't hear of it. Then about 3 years ago his dad had a heart attack, and the doctor told him to quit smoking that he couldn't even be in the same house with someone who smoked, or he was risking his life. He stopped smoking for almost 2 years, my mother in law never quit at all, then my husband saw his dad one day lighting up a cigerette. My husband was furious, he called his dad every name he could think of. He loves his dad, that's why he got so mad. He wants his dad to be around for many years to come, see his grandkids grow up, it wasn't that he hated his dad, he had no respect for how weak his dad was. I think you love your dad, you need to speak to him about this in a calm and loving manner. Tell him that he is not only hurting himself but those who love him as well. Tell him again that you are sorry, that you were just hurt and upset and you didn't mean what you said, and you love him and want him to be around for a long time. I hope everything works out.

Answer 6

My dad has stage 4 lung cancer...I used to beg him not to smoke. I'd beg and plead and cry...he still would smoke. He had emphysema, got pnemonia, and still smoked. He didn't quit until the doc told him about the cancer and that he probably had a year to live.

I was so mad at my dad. Why didn't he quit a long time ago? Why didn't he want to be there for his daughter? Why wasn't his love for me stronger than his addiction to freakin leaves rolled in paper?

Eventually I came to realize that my father was a really weak man. He had an addiction and several mental disorders on top of all that. I started to get feel less angry toward him, and more pity.

Just remember your dad is only a man...probably one with a lot of problems. Try to live him even through his foolish mistakes. One day he'll realize what he put you through. And one day he'll realize that he needs to take care of himself.

Answer 7

Take it slow, you cannot force your dad to forgive you because fo what you did. Indeed it is disrespectful. You cannot force him to follow the doctor regardless of the severity of the diagnose if he really do not want to quit. People like your father may have been wraned but because the sickness triggers a depression, your father just opted to continue smoking because that is how he is going to handle the depression. On top of that because of what you've said, you've added more pain to him which is really unacceptable. You just have to put yourself on teh situaion and think on how you would feel and handle it. For your father's side, what you did is something that really hurts him so in this issue, he should be the one that should be this "deep" mad instead of you. Though parents would be the first one to talk to you because they are still your parents and in that case, you just need to wait for him to approach you, but again you shoudl no have any grudges because it is you who made the mustake. Try to recollect and internalize things...

Answer 8

In reading your question i found you care very much for your father. Obvisiouly your father is in a bad situation and you want to help him. Do not get mad at him because it will get worse and worse and soon he will be gone and you will miss him very much. He has cared for you during your childhood so now you have to "take care" of him as he is in a horrible situation. Show him you love him. Spend a whole day or two talking with him and tell him everything you think, but do not get mad. Listen to what he has to say and help him push through. Your father will quit smoking, i guarantee it. Just believe in him and most importantly love him no matter what he does and he will love you back, thus quitting smoking.


Hope that helps you.

Answer 9

So why do you hate him? Because of something petty like his smoking? My Dad is 67 years old, always smoked 1 1/2 cartons of Marlboro A WEEK, every week. I almost lost him 3 summers ago when he had a heart attack. When we come into this world, we're expected to arrive for 9 months, but are we expected to leave in 9 seconds?? You love your Dad, or else you wouldn't be asking this, you wouldn't care otherwise. Life is to short for hate.

My Dad didn't smoke for a year after his surgery. Then it was one here and there, then more and more. He's smoking again , but my Dad always have a nerve problem and the way my mom hounds him all of the time, it's no wonder he's smoking again. We all blame her for it.

Answer 10

Smoking is a difficult addiction that takes a lot of time and effort to stop.....some people never do. While you may be very angry, your dad is suffering and you told him you hate him and wished he would die.....how do you think that would feel? He loves you, but he feels hurt by your words and your anger. Sadly, he could very well die and those would be the words you left him with.......you can never replace your father...good or not so good.....he is the only one you have. I hope you will never have to know the pain of losing your dad at a young age.....it is terribly difficult!!

Answer 11

Hi Stacy, I honestly don't think you hate your father persay, I think you hate the fact that although he was diagnosed with emphysema he refuses to fully quit smoking and you as his daughter can't comprehend that. Adults are stubborn and even though they are told what is and can be good for them or their health that doesn't necessarily mean they will do it. Unfortunately, we as their children can't do a darn thing about it. I have been in the medical field for over 16 years and until they banned smoking fully from our facility I used to see patients outside smoking WITH their oxygen tank sitting right next to them, no kidding! So, I don't think you hate your dad, you hate what he is doing and know that if he doesn't stop he is going to kill himself and its selfish of him to not only think of him not wanting to give up the smoking for his health, but to be around longer for you. Talk to your dad and tell him you wish you understood why he can't and don't quit, don't hold grudges, God please don't Stacy, you don't know when and how long your dad will be around regardless as to whose choice it is but you would never forgive yourself if you two aren't talking........he is 1/2 of the reason YOU are here.......