do i call her grandma?

Question

i recently found my biofather and he has asked me to call his mother 'grandma'. now thats all fine and good for a couple of reasons
1. she is fantastic, i love her and she accepts me as one of her own, her words not mine.
2. i have no grandparents left, so the respect issue i have about calling him 'dad' wont apply to her. no one will be hurt but an 'extra' grandma' being around

now the question is, if you were the family of a long lost relative (NO ONE in this family knew of me for 35 years, i just showed up in his life one day) they dont know me from eve, would it be upsetting to you to hear this person calling your mother/grandma, whatever "grandma"
it seems almost disrespectful of me to use this term so early in our relationship. yes she is biologically related, but still a stranger.

whats your thoughts, am i being overly senstive or am i being respectful?

im so confused

TO LORI A.
your opinion always counts, what else is a "mother" for? i always run to you when i need help, i just needed outside input on this. sometimes you and i are so wrapped up in whats going on its hard to see the whole picture

Answer 1

Hi Rachael,

There are really a few different thoughts going through my head on this one:

1) It seems that while you don't have a problem with calling your grandmother "grandma" you are concerned that it may be upsetting for your other relatives to hear that. You are just as much her grandchild as her other grandchildren are.

2) There are no rules on the names that two people may call each other as long as they both agree on it. If others don't like it, well, that's really their problem. I'm guessing they probably would not have a problem because after all, she IS your grandma. And if she does not have a problem with you calling her grandma, why should anyone else?

3) Let me phrase it this way, If you had not seen a relative of yours in 35 years, does that make them not your relative anymore? Plenty of non-adopted people have had limited contact with their grandparents over the years, yet they would not consider themselves less entitled to call them grandma, would they? I would not worry about how long you have have been reunited. There is no rule saying you must be reunited x number of years in order to earn back titles. Just because you did not know where each other was, that did not make you not related to each other during that time. She was still your grandmother then and she still is now.

4) You say she is fantastic, you love her, & she loves you - that's great! Don't let anyone else interfere with the relationship you have with your grandma. Remember - None of us knows exactly how many more years we have left to live on this planet. You have already missed out on enough. Cherish the time you have with her. It is never too late to start sharing moments or to start making memories.

5) Final thought - If anyone else tells you that you do not have the right to call your grandmother "grandma" then it appears they have less respect for you, & that they are the insensitive ones. It does not mean that Grandma will have less love left over for them. They need to grow up.

My advice Rach, is to just enjoy your relationship with Grandma. I am so happy for you that you have her in your life & it sounds like she is happy to have you in hers. Grandmas are special people!

Sincerely,

julie j
reunited adoptee

Answer 2

I think it should be whatever you and your new found grandmother feel comfortable with. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I have an adopted sister who found her birth parents a couple of years ago. We have no issue at all with her calling them mum and dad. She is still my sister, nothing has changed. She just suddenly has this huge extended family. Its rather cool. (she also found out that instead of being the younger sister of 4 brothers, she now is the older sister of same - but diff family LOL - oh the irony).

Best way is just take it step by step and on a case by case basis with the people you meet in your new found family. Don't forget to also respect your adopting family, include them in the proceedings too, they are still are part of your family as well.

Answer 3

you are being respectful and sensitive to the feelings of your family. Good for you! If she is ok with you calling her grandma, and you feel ready to do it, then by all means, do it! If anyone in the family has an issue with it, let her and biodad handle it. Just hug that woman and be thankful you have been given this unbelievably WONDERFUL opportunity!

Answer 4

MY OPINION DOES NOT COUNT but I'm giving it anyway.
It's not the other grandchildren that are having a problem with this. It's Rachael's new found aunts and uncles, and it's not all of them. Grandma might be part of the issue but not all of it. These people had another girl drop from the sky and after getting finances toward her wedding wanted nothing to do with them. They are leery of another one doing the same thing, which Rachael and I both understand. But as far as calling her grandma. If you don't start now I don't think you ever will. How about switching back and forth between grandma and her name? It at least shows an effort. As far as the rest of them, (sigh) they'll get over it. It's between you, Jim, and your grandma. They just need time to see that your not a money grubbing wench like the last one.

Answer 5

If she wants you to call her grandma and you want to call her grandma then go for it.

I am sure you may be a shock to some of the family but once they get to know you, you may be refering to them all as Aunt, Uncle, cousin ect....

Good luck and have fun getting to know your new family.

btw..I alled my birth mom "mom" from the day I met her. It was weird at first but now it is natural. My adoptive mom was "mama" so there was no confusion

Answer 6

It's between you and your grandmother. If you're both good with it, call her Grandma. If you're not comfortable with it yet, let her know you need to "work into it" or something along those lines, as you're not ready for that yet. Quite honestly, it's no one else's business. It's you and your grandmother's relationship. Just because you two missed out on 35 years doesn't make you any less related.

Answer 7

I would say call her grandma. My daughters godfather invites us to all of the family gatherings they have and I was instructed to call his grandma Grandma, it felt weird to me at first but then I realized it was just a term of indearment. I dont think anyone will be upset with you calling her that.

Answer 8

Ummmm, grandma's are the same way....they always want extra grandkids..... she'll probably cry tears of joy and you'll make her happier than she could've imagined. Call her grandma, and count your blessings. Let go and enjoy your new found family.

Answer 9

I am adopted and have 2 adopted kids- and I have one suggestion- if she likes you to call her grandma= obviously she has no problem with it- does she have grandchildren that are around a lot? What I would do if I were you would ask them if they mind if you call her grandma. They probably would say of course call her that, but you never know. Congrats on finding your biological dad- and glad things worked out for you- my son is visiting his biological family right now- he is 19.

Answer 10

I think your been very respectful!

I work in a nursing home & I have tons of "grandparents"

I've had a few people their who are dear to my heart and wanted me to call them Grandma I was worried what their family they were like if she's happy we are happy!

I know its not the same but i wanted to share my story with you!

bottom line if she is happy with it thats what counts!