Is this discipline or physical abuse?

Question

My dad sometimes can be really angry with me. Usually he just yells at me, but at times.....Here's a list of what he's occasionally done for discipline:
-Slapped me in the face (no bruises though)
-Kicked me down the stairs (it was only three stairs-I didn't sprain my ankle)
-Thrown a rock at me 'cause I wouldn't answer him while I was exercising my turkey (he said it wasn't going to hit me, but it landed just a couple feet from my turkey)
-Grabbed me by the hair (no bruises)
-Spanked me in butt and legs with a riding crop (it DID bruise my legs)
-Smacked my brother and mine's heads together (no bruises, but it hurt)
-Smacked me against the wall
Of course, there are really good times, for example, he flew all the way to a poultry show at the other end of the state just for me in our airplane, I have my own cell phone, my own laptop (what I'm writing this with), tries to make me happy by buying me things. I know he loves me, but are physical discipline methods abuse?

He is the adult child of two alcoholics and was physically abused as a child.

Yea I had a turkey for 4-H. I've had alot of pets (that's what I mean by he buys me stuff)-sometimes he's very nice....other times....not so kind.

He doesn't treat my little sisters like this (they're ages 7 and 9) he didn't push me around either until I was about 12 years old. Sometimes he disciplines my younger bother like that. He would NEVER push, hit , or slap my mom. EVER. She says how he punishes me is abuse, but that's usually just when she's angry with him. I guess I deserve what I get. I know some kids have it a lot worse.

Answer 1

well as i was reading this i was thinking what is this guy thinking untill I saw that he was abused as a child.sometimes if people are abused as children they will do it to there kids.(You have a turkey!)

Answer 2

This a subject that we can discuss for hours and still not come up with a definitive answer. It starts with the belief that any type of hitting is wrong regardless of the reason for it. This is similar to calling capital punishment wrong because taking someone's life is murder regardless of the reason behind it. I feel that one has to look more at the intent behind corporal punishment and what constitutes a spanking. There are some who regard any striking of the buttocks as a spanking. This leaves no distinction between using one's hand and using a paddle, belt, or switch. Certainly there is a huge difference between slapping with your hand and whipping with a belt or a switch. So, where does a "spanking" stop being discipline/punishment and become abuse? That's hard to answer. To me, it would be when the punishment no longer fits the offense. For example: Would you punish for cheating on a test in the same manner as you would for vandalizing a building? To me, one is more wrong the other. Hence, its punishment would be harsher. The lesser offense may call for a spanking with a hand while the more flagrant offense may call for a sound paddling. One may sting for only a short time while the other may leave a soreness that makes sitting difficult for a while. The intent of both is teach a needed lesson. Criminals get different levels of fines or legths of incarceration depending on the crime committed. Striking any where other than the buttocks can cause irreparable damage. That certainly is abuse. Reddening of the skin is normal. Care must be taken to avoid open sores, however.

Answer 3

By most child welfare laws, yes, some of those actions would be considered abusive. Kids have survived much worse. That doesn't make it right, but that's the way it is. What does your mother say about his treatment of you? Is he this way to other members of the family or just you? Like the 1st answerer said, he could use some anger management training. Talk to your parents and see if he is willing to go to therapy.

I have to say the 3rd one was funny, not because he threw a rock at you, but because it never occurred to me that people need to exercise their turkeys...

Answer 4

There are many warning signs of abuse of children. One sign, one or two times, does not necessarily mean anything. Keep watching before you jump to conclusions but once you are reasonably sure, report it to the proper authorities. That's the law and the only choice when children are involved.
Call 911

Physical Abuse:
Sores, burns, bruises on body. A reluctance or vagueness about where these originated. Bruises and burns are the most persistent physical symptoms.

Neglect:
Soiled diapers, dirty hair, unwashed clothes, body odor. Sometimes weight loss and lackluster skin and/or hair can indicate neglect, particularly in a proper or sufficient diet.

Emotional or Mental Abuse:
This is harder to tell. Abused children often become quiet but that is not always a way to tell. Lack of self-esteem is another way to tell but again, that does not mean children are abused.

Sexual Abuse:
There are warning signs of sexual abuse of children, too. Precocious behavior; sexual knowledge, through language or behavior, that is beyond what is normal for their age; copying adult sexual behavior; inappropriate sexual behavior such as kissing on the mouth and/or attempting to insert tongue in your mouth; soreness, redness, chaffing around genitals; habitual sleeping with parent of opposite sex in pre-teen or older; reluctance or outright refusal to let you wash or dry those parts of the body; persistent sexual play with other children, themselves, toys or pets.

Remember that inappropriate touching is also sexual abuse. This is not uncommon, particularly when alcohol or drugs are involved.

Answer 5

This is definately abuse. It may hurt to know that your father is abusive. And living/growing up with alcoholics is no excuse. He has no right to treat you and your siblings the way he does. Sometimes he seems nice and other times he seems mad. I think you might want to call someone:
1-800-4-A-CHILD
Just talk to them and ask them exactly what you asked on here... it may hurt to talk about it or feeling like you're going against your own father, but something needs to happen. I'm really sorry this is happening :(

Answer 6

This is definately not normal discipline! You need to talk to someone (a counselor, pastor, trusted older adult). You both need to go together. I'm sure he loves you, maybe because he was abused as a child, he doesn't know how to be a good dad. You could try talking to him about your feelings. What does your mom say? Whatever is going on, it isn't right and it needs to stop!

Answer 7

THIS IS ABUSE!!! If your mom won't protect you--then go to your teacher or counselor at school; your family doctor; the police; or a minister. They are mandatory reporters and have to tell the authorities. Ask an adult friend or relative you trust not to go to your parents to go with you to do this if you are scared to do this by yourself.

You can also call Child Protective Services yourself--they will not tell your parents who called. Once his behavior is reported to the Child Protective Services, they will investigate (including talking to you in a safe place away from home) and then come up with a plan to protect you and your brother while your family gets counseling.

Just because your father buys you things and there are "good times"--you don't deserve to be physically abused. Your mom may not speak up because she is afraid of him...especially of his getting angry and hurting you more.

Trust me--things will not get better. And if you continue to put up with this, it will continue to affect your life just as it has affected your father's. It sounds as though your Dad has a lot of issues from his past that contribute to his abusive discipline of you--but that is not your problem.


How do I know??? My father physically and emotionally abused me...I dealt with it by starting to drink. I ended up getting involved with a number of men who physically and emotionally abusive men...one of those men sexually abused my daughter...and sadly, I also have to admit that I was physically and emotionally abusive to her...even after I got sober.

She also ended up getting involved with abusive men. She ended up abusing alcohol and drugs to cope and finally went to treatment 2 years ago--but I know she has also had problems with parenting. I've never seen her hit her kids but I worry about her yelling at them.

Please...please...please...tell someone about this.

Answer 8

Yes, Dearheart, what he does to you is abuse. Look at it this way: would you do those things to your child? I would like you to talk to someone outside of the family about this, someone who you can trust to keep your talk confidential, someone who you can tell about all of the times and all of the details and someone who you trust to not go around you and report your story to anybody else without your permission. Eventually you will probably want to talk with your Mom but first I would like to see you learn more about abuse, especially the laws in your state and the agencies that work with abusive situations. Because of your age you need to be very careful, very cautious about who you talk to. It is an unfortunate fact of life that often the people whose job it is to protect you are instead going to try to exploit you for their own reasons. Just because a person is in a position of authority, like a policeman or a counselor does not guarantee that they will have your best interests at heart. Is there someone at school who could help you find books at the library and local organizations, group support and maybe even introduce you to other kids in your age group who are dealing with similar situations? I want you to learn exactly what the law thinks about what is happening to you but maybe more important, I want you to not be alone about this. You need someone who understands and will stand beside you, who will take time for you, be there for you.
Will you let me know how you are doing down the road please because I will be thinking about you?

Answer 9

Without doubt, you have described physical abuse. Furthermore, physical abuse, always involves emotional abuse. You can't, physically abuse another, without emotionally traumatizing them.

I encourage you to contact a professional regarding the abuse. A school counselor may be helpful, or a telephone call to one of the organizations, listed in response to the following question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ahniqnccn9AdB437VYWUhu_ty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071130114543AAsOfyo

Answer 10

When he does those things it's his parents coming out i'm sure he doesn't mean it but from being a child growing up in an abusive house he just does what the first thing comes to mind is, and that is what his parents did. Don't worry about it i'm sure he loves you.

Answer 11

He needs help. It sounds as though he really does love you and he doesnt want to hurt you but soemtimes he loses control and cant find any other outlet for his anger so he does things like you said.
He needs some help, some anger management, he needs to learn to deal with his anger in more constructive ways.

You sound very smart for your age considering you realised that his being abused as a child has a big part to do in this situatuin.

You need to talk to him, and a school councellor for yourself as well, then they will guide you.

Good luck