Should we insist our three year old daughter say please and thank you?

Question

Our daughter refuses to say please and thank you. This is driving my wife crazy, and often leads to tears. It's such a little thing, but she won't say it!
Are we right to continue to demand she says please and thank you, or should we just forget about it until she is older and understands more?

Answer 1

I really think your forcing too hard and that's why she is refusing. You should NOT force her to say it. If you and your wife will just use please and thank you and good manners she will too. My children don't have to say it, I have never required them too, but they do sometimes, sometimes they don't. I only require them to talk to me with good manners.

I'm pretty shocked at some of your answers. It is ridiculous to force her to say this. She can feel your forcing, why have a struggle over this?! Pick your priorities, this should not be one! If she says "Give me my milk" then just say "you need to ask me, please, sweetheart, instead of telling me" A child saying "Can I have my milk?" is good manners! She shouldn't have to say please every time & be forced, it's just absurd.

I PROMISE you if you take the emphasis OFF this for a while and start saying it to her and each other, & in a few months start with "thank you" when you give her something ask her "can you say Thank you"? if she says it - then praise her, if not, then say nothing. Once you take the emphasis and the negitivity out of it-she will want to say "thank You" when you praise her for it.


good luck

Answer 2

This is a toughie. On the one hand, I think you're right to insist. On the other hand, if your little girl has drawn a line in the sand - and if she knows this really crazes you - simply insisting might make it worse.

You might try a sneak attack. Munro Leaf, the children's book author best known for "The Story of Ferdinand" (the bull who just wanted to smell the flowers - also a very cute read) wrote a series of books called "Manners Can Be Fun" and "How to Speak Politely." It's an old book, but I understand they've been updated in recent years. I still have my mom's well-worn copies.

If your girl likes storytime, you might introduce this book. It's gentle. And while my son would rather read about choo-choo trains or Knuffle bunny, he likes these well enough - and says please and thank you with little prompting.

Answer 3

Do you want her to be truthful or a liar?

If she is not thankful, then why would she say thank you?

Forcing children often backfires.

Modeling is the absolute best choice. My nieces and nephews have a hard time at 4, 6, 9 remembering common courtesies like please and thank you, but you never hear such from their parents in the course of everyday life.

To my kids, this is not a foreign concept because we model please and thank you all day long, day in and day out.

When a situation arises where please and thank you are appropriate for them we will prompt/remind but we do not force or punish.

At 3, a child could still be plain 'ole still trying to figure out what is going on or who this strange person is the parent's want them to talk to.

Model courtesy first.

Answer 4

I recently saw a television segment with Richard and Linda Eyre, bestselling authors on parenting. In this segment, they demonstrated how to teach preschool children respect. They recommended doing a role play with the child. That is, the child takes the place of the parent, and the parent takes the place of the child. Then you demonstrate the respectful behavior that you want the child to do. They say this kind of role play helps the child to get an idea about exactly what they are supposed to be doing.

I'm wondering if your daughter is getting something she wants by not saying please and thank you. For example, maybe you give her more attention when she doesn't say it, so she knows that as long as she doesn't say it, she'll have your attention, but after she says it, you stop.

Answer 5

I think that you should teach your child manners at a young age. Everytime my son wants something and points to is I'll say "Say Please" and when I give it to him I'll say "thank you" he is starting to learn. If you daughter isnt being rude or spoiled about taking things she may just be shy. Especially if there are other people around. But if she is being "bratty" I would get a little upset as well. I would tell your wife not to worry about it so much, unless it turns out to be a full blown temper tantrum type of deal.

(my son is a bit younger than your daughter I'm just saying its always a good thing to teach them manners as soon as you can)

Answer 6

3 year old daughters are a breed all their own. She knows she should say please and thank you but just to show individuality and independence, she doesn't. With my daughter, I tried to face issues head on (you do what I say or face punishment) but that turned out to be less effective than telling her that "sometimes the answer is no and you say OK" Try telling her that "It sounds rude to other people if she does not say what nice people say to each other and you want other people to think she is nice."

Hang in there and keep trying using different approaches. Girls get rutted in bad habits if you chose to ignore it. Good luck.

Answer 7

Yes keep demanding she says please and thank you, you need to make sure you make a point of saying it to her at the right times as well, if my 2 year old daughter has done something/given me something i say 'thank you very much' or 'thank you that was kind' to which she always replies 'your welcome mummy' People notice a child with good manners for all the right reasons, they also notice a child without any manners!
keep it up, she will respond eventually.
GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Courtesy is a learned behavior PLEASE stick with it. I teach manners in my class and I am appalled at the children who do not know or use their manners. Here is some tricks to make it better

When she does say thank you or please say Thank you for using your manners. Make sure everyone in the household is modeling the same behavior to everyone else. Encourage grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and caregivers to help encourage good manners too. She will right now it is probably a control issue.

Please tell you wife to relax it will get better and thank her for being a caring mother who cares enough about her daughter to teach her the best

Answer 9

At three years old she understands more than please and thank you. This is an attempt at a power struggle for her. It is imperative that you continue to demand this of her. Without teaching her this now and insisting on it, she will grow up to be a very disrespectful young lady.

Answer 10

No, you should absolutely keep with it. So many parents don't teach their children proper manners. Your daughter doesnt like it because you're asserting your authority and she doesn't like it. Stick with it, you're doing the right thing and it will pay off in the long run. It's a bit of a battle of the wills at the moment but she will get used to it. Good luck.