What should I do about his insecurities of college/marriage? please help?

Question

I am in highschool, engaged to the most amazing guy ever. I love him and I know he loves me to but, he wants to get married really soon, and i want to wait till im 21. He wants to get married before i start college because he thinks i will find someone else. I have tried over and over to talk to him about it but he just wont budge and I wont budge. My grandma got married secretly when she was 16 and it didnt work out *i dont know why it didnt which scares me because whenever anyone gets married they always think it will work right? but then it doesnt* I also want to wait because I want to at least have an associates degree *so i can hopefully get a job before I can potentially get pregnant* and to be able to afford a place of our own. I feel like this is the right decision to wait for awhile.... but hes just so insecure! his dad was inlove too when he was our age and engaged but the girl cheated on him... why does my boyfriend have to be so afraid i will do the same? what should I do?

Thanks everyone! I talked it out with him... it was just one of those bad days i guess lol.

Answer 1

He is extremely insecure and that won't change when you are married. In fact, it can turn into an unhealthy jealousy situation. Don't settle, stick to your plan to marry after you get your degree. That may mean canceling the engagement and moving on. No, it isn't easy to walk away from someone you love, but better now than later when bitterness sets in. I don't know him, but he already sounds controlling. Be careful.

Answer 2

You're doing the right thing by waiting. I just graduated college and am getting married in March and it's so much better to wait until college is over. Tell your boyfriend that he can either wait or break up. He is probably right though. You are probably going to meet someone else. High school is a small world and you think you are ready for things like marriage but you're now. You may think he's the most amazing guy ever but wouldn't the most amazing guy ever back off and not put so much pressure on you? Marriage should never be used to hold someone into a relationship for fear of them finding someone else because if he's afraid you'll find someone else then he probably has some doubt that he's right for you. Or you might still end up meeting some other guy and find out that your current boyfriend isn't for you but if you're married then you're stuck married to the wrong person. Basically, don't marry this guy now. If you're with him after college then that's great but odds are you won't be. That's just the way it goes. You will both do a lot of changing in the next few years and by the end of college you may not even recognize each other. Stand your ground and tell him you should wait. It's the best thing and down the road you'll be glad you did.

Answer 3

You sound like a very mature young lady, and you are right to want to wait. You are only in high school and you have your whole lives ahead of you. Everything is going to go so fast, so why rush growing up?

Your boyfriend is scared he might lose you, so he thinks that by getting married that he'll be able to keep you. Trouble is, people grow up a lot in college. I am not at all the person I was when I was your age and college had a lot to do with that.

You need to go to college and get a degree so that you can have a real career, marriage, and family. You guys are both going to change a lot in the next few years. If you can make it through that, you'll be able to make it through anything and be all the better for it. However, if you guys do change too much and find that you aren't going to be able to make it work, you can say your goodbyes without a messy divorce.

I am glad you are sticking to your guns, and I honestly hope you don't give in. Just tell your boyfriend that you love him, but that you are thinking about the big picture--which includes you with a college degree before a marriage certificate. If he truly is the man for you, he'll wait.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Don't marry him. He thinks that if you are married, he will feel more secure- but he won't, he will just have a new set of insecurities.

Honestly, I think you should end your relationship. You're not in the same place right now, and honestly, you're too young to have to be making these types of compromises. There's a lot of life out there- go find someone who will respect your choices and want to raise you up, not keep you down.

I am sure you love him right now, but try to picture yourself with him ten years from now, or twenty, or even thirty. Do you want to still be reassuring him when you're 46? Probably not. And please, don't stay with him just because you think he'll be devastated-- I can promise you that people always bounce back from this kind of thing. Put yourself first, that's what being a teenager is all about.

Good luck.

Answer 5

He sounds very overbearing and insecure. You should think about whether he's really the great guy you think he is. He may not be.

However, if you really want to the keep the relationship going after college starts, you could suggest promise rings. My boyfriend and I are in college now, and got promise rings before we left. It is a nice symbol of how committed you are to each other, and it has the added benefit of potentially keeping guys from hitting on you (assuming you wear the ring on your left ring finger) because they think you are married or engaged. It's kind of a "off-limits" sign. This could ease your boyfriend's fears.

Of course, it does sound like he has serious fears that neither promise rings nor marriage could help with, and it's true that you experience new things and meet new people in college that might make you change your mind about being with him. Just be careful. Definitely don't get married now, your thoughts about going to college first are definitely founded.

Answer 6

You should go to college first then get married after graduation - in fact you may want to wait until your career is underway.. Set your own life up first before you share it with someone else, otherwise there will be unnecessary compromises that will follow you throughout your life. As for his insecurities, he may actually be right. You both may very well grow apart, which only means it wasn't meant to be anyway. Think about it - you are both teens now, you will both change when you get to be 30, 40 etc.. If you don't change the same way, a divorce will be the eventual result. Wait to get married until you are well into your 20s.

Answer 7

You need to tell you bf that marriage makes no difference if you really wanted to cheat married or not, that would happen. You'll just be saving your self money and time right now, because if it doesn't work out you don't have to waste money on the divorce, and you'd save marriage costs too if you didn't get married. You need to reassure him that you love him very much and marriage makes no difference you'll still be in college alone, and still have the same risks as if you weren't married. He's not gonna be glue to you body, and a piece of paper can't protect you from other men, Your love for him will protect you form other men.

Answer 8

You're in high school. Stand your ground and tell this over-bearing boyfriend that you aren't getting married until AFTER college. If he's afraid you're going to find someone else, that's a major red flag. He has doubts about your relationship. Getting married doesn't make doubts go away.

Honestly, dump this a$$. Why is he obsessed with getting married at 18 anyway? If you truly love someone, you wait until the circumstances are in both of your favors before marrying.

Do yourself a favor and go to college. Become a strong, self-sufficient women. Don't worry about having babies now. You are too young, enjoy your youth.

Answer 9

well, you are not his slave so marriage should be decided by both, obviously if 1 member in a relationship doesn't agree about marriage date it will most likely not happen that date. Also, tell him to suck it up. Why can't he wait, is he dying? Are you waiting to have sex after you get married, maybe he wants sex? lol kinda silly but you never know. Also, if he thinks you will find someone else, tell him what makes him think this can't happen if they are married. Unless he prevents you from attending college or leave your house at all for the rest of your life, than he can be reassured that you wont find some1 else. You are young and its highly unlikely he is the one (but not impossible).

I think i was in your shoes at one point, i am young as well but in college, when i was in hs i was in a relationship with a girl whom i was nuts for but i went to college and i fell for another, while i still cared for gf. Eventually i broke up with her and she wasn't all that upset, because she wanted me to be happy and it wasn't to be with her. so yea, just date do w/ u want but i wouldn't suggest getting married so young, you will regret it when you are 30, 40, 50, 60.

Answer 10

Sounds like you just need to rid yourself of him. You're way too young to even be engaged in the first place. Dump him and enjoy yourself, enjoy the remainder of your high school years and your college years and when the time is right, you'll find someone much better than him.