Do you think it's wrong to tell someone you'll lend them some money, when you know you really have no intent?

Question

One of my aunt's is ALWAYS asking me for to borrow money when she's in town. She is 53 and on a fixed income and rarely has any money left by the middle of month. I know she doesn't pay that much for rent. She doesn't have a car or any extra bills. Just her rent, life insurance and utilities. She's not an alcoholic but she likes to buy beer for her and her friends. She also dips snuff (similar to tobacco for those who don't know) so that eats up some of her money.

She is honestly the type of person who would give you the shirt off her back, but what bothers me is that she EXPECTS people to give her money when she needs it. She has two adult sons who go in and out of prison so she can't get anything from them. But her, along with others in my family, seem to think that because I am married without kids and we both have decent paying jobs, that I have money to lend. I am the first she calls EVERYTIME she wants a beer, box of snuff or some extra pocket money.

She calls me back to back to back and leaves a voicemail on my cell phone everytime she calls. She has always done this and it drives me crazy, to the point to where I refuse to answer my phone when she calls. I have been ignoring her since yesterday. Why doesn't she get the point and stop calling? I hate it when she comes to town because she is like a leech!

On Christmas day she asked if I had any money and I told her no, but I could give her some on Friday. I did that just to get her off my back for a few days. My husband doesn't like the way they EXPECT stuff from me -- even if she would give you the shirt off her back. He feels she should ask her other sisters, which they (including my mom) are all on fixed incomes with the exception of two.

For some reason she calls me all day long, back to back and leaves messages. I guess she thinks she's going to wear me down. I hate to just answer and tell her I don't have it (which is what I usually do).

Answer 1

I don't think it's necessarily wrong, I think you're having trouble just telling her no.

Give her back an excuse. Just tell her, sorry dear. I can't this month. I'm a little short myself. Do that a few times and she'll get the hint. And even if she continues to call, at least you still have your cash.

Answer 2

First of all, does she pay you back? 'Lending' is the wrong word if you never see the money.

Second, It is wrong to tell them you will lend or give the money though you dont intend to. This is the value in the short run. You are not looking at the longer run or the result of not actually having the intention of lending the money: a bitter Aunt promised money she is not going to get.

You may have a good strategy in mind. You should disappoint your Aunt but only under circumstances beyond your control: an unexpected repair bill, for example. This is an innocent lie that will instill a sense of unrealiability, sending the message that you are not the best source of funds.

There is a guilt factor either way. You will be lying about your money availability. It is not fair to you, however, that you must sacrifice your money for the recreation of another person. It is not like your Aunt will die not having a beer. Alot of people who dont have money do not appreciate this concept. The reason they dont have money is because they spend it and they feel you should be spending your money too. To have savings, to them, is blasphemy.

One final suggestion: a money lending budget. Tell your Aunt what you can afford to sacrifice before it starts costing you harm. Stress the word "HARM": you will be homeless or you wont be able to provide for your own family. This approach assumes you are an angel, which I believe just from reading how you are generous to her. Having this fixed budget sets boundaries for your aunt that she must consider so that you can 1) plan to help her out in time of need and 2) plan your own personal budget.

Answer 3

It is always wrong to give someone hope knowing you intend to smash that hope later. If you can't or don't want to then tell her either no up front or at the most tell her you cannot now and you will look into your own finances in a few days or a week to see if it may be possible but no promises.

As for your Aunt this is what you need to tell her: (First do not say you are sorry at any time - because you aren't and shouldn't be.) Auntie, I can't lend you money any more. My husband and I have plans and we're saving for them. The money I have lent in the past has come from what little money we keep so that we can go out together and every time I lend you money or buy your things my husband and I must reduce our quality of time together and quite frankly I'm just not willing to do that anymore. You have other means to get what you want so please start asking them. I am not lending any more money - to anyone.

If this hurts her feelings then she has no real care for you or your husband and only thinks of herself and Aunt or not, that's not the type of person you and your husband need in your lives. Get some back bone and nerve up and end it now or you'll be going through this until one of you dies or explodes in a fit which will end up being real hurtful for everyone.

Good luck but do it now.

Answer 4

Well, you could approach this two ways. First, you can start an "Aunty Fund" jar in which you start putting all of your loose change and a one dollar bill in each day. When she asks you for some money you can empty this jar and give her what you have managed to save since the last visit. Or, two, you can just let your Aunty know that you have some bills that need to be met and until you know exactly where you stand with your income versus your outgo this month you will have to say no at this time. You don't have to make up any excuses, just put it simply and leave it at that. As a third alternative you could always make her a "gift" basket that has a six pack, a roll of her favorite snuff and a 20 dollar bill in it and that way she will have all that she needs (wants?) in one spot and you will not be out another 100 dollar bill! Either way, good luck with it, I know you are in a hard position with this family member!

Answer 5

She is your aunt, she's 53 and on fixed income.

I think you should explain to her that you don't want to hear from her whenever she needs something, but that you will contribute to her when you can. Also, help her work out a budget so she doesn't run out of money by the middle of the month.

If she needs to buy alcohol for her and her friends, and that's where a good portion of her income is going, then she IS an alcoholic! and it would be a good idea to have an intervention with other family members and herself, to point it out to her. There is a group, can't remember what it's called, but they teach you to drink responsibly rather than cold turkey. There's nothing wrong with alcohol in moderation, but there is something wrong with over indulgence and needing it daily or even weekly. That would probably be more appealing to her anyway, if she really likes the taste of beer. She also will need to leave the place she lives in, it sounds like she's in a low income place and many of the people that she has befriended also have addictions. Does she participate in any church? Would be great if she can join a church or get more involved in the one she belongs to, make different friends who are not depending on her to enable them in their addictions.

If she's calling you all the time as you explained to get money from you, then she is addicted to alcohol. She is an alcoholic, and can't live without it. She needs good counseling from a therapist, and on fixed income, her insurance will not cover a therapist, only social workers and lesser informed psychologists/counselors. A drug counselor may help her, but I'd prefer she goes to a therapist.

Good luck!

Answer 6

You should say no, and mean no. She's a user and abuser of people's kindness. Mistake number one...you lent her money in the first place. Mistake number two....see number one.
It will never end now. She sees you as weak. (although be it, you are just generous) Next time she wants money, tell her you've given all your extra this month to charity of your choice. There's people that need it more than she does.
Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you.....instead, lay one on her. Give her details of how your "extra" money helped some homeless person, or stray animal, or abused mother, or orphaned child. She'll get tired of hearing those stories real fast because the truth is.....she's not in any of those "needy" categories. And if it makes you feel better, actually donate 10% to a real needy cause. You will feel the weight of the world off your shoulder the next time she asks. Because you will be telling the truth!....and feel good about it!

Answer 7

I understand your frustration with your aunt. You did, however, promise to give her money on Friday. That's why she's calling over and over.

My advice/recommendation- give her some money (not much) and tell her that you will NOT be giving her any more money. She is not to ask or call. You will NOT answer the phone or lend her more money. You have expenses and they must be met.

She is accustomed to getting some pocket money whenever she asks, so it will take a while for her to learn to stop asking and perhaps budget her monies accordingly.

You have been very generous, but she is taking advantage of your good nature.

Answer 8

It would be so much better for her if you would be upfront and let her know that you don't have the money to give her. I've had to do that with some relatives. Sometimes I feel guilty because we have extra money but my husband is on disability and I work extra jobs to sublimate my teaching income. I am 52 and still work. There is plenty of little odd jobs out there she could do to supplement this income. Don't take from your family to enable someone to do something detremental to their health. Also, don't feel guilty about giving away what you have worked so hard to get.

Answer 9

Your aunt keeps asking you for money because you apparently give it to her. Lending suggests that it will be paid back. If she does pay you back, then she is apparently good for the loan. Otherwise, handing her the cash just enables her to keep asking. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries around yourself to prevent her from badgering you. You will need to be direct in telling her that you and your husband have decided to stop lending money to anyone, and stay with that same response every time she asks.

Answer 10

well i think you should just tell her.. 'no, i would love to help you, but we really don't have money to be giving out anymore.' i mean, you're significantly younger than her, trying to start a good life and maintain one for you and your husband,and she's just dragging you down with her bad habits. her bad habits are costing YOU and becoming an expense to YOU. that's just not fair sweetie. but good luck and dont feel bad, you are still a great person :)