Do you find it difficult (as I do) to show compassion and sympathy to those who refuse to help themselves?

Question

I know someone with COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder) who will not quit smoking, and is therefore constantly ill with bronchitis and pneumonia.

I know of a person with severe arthritis in her legs, who is so crippled by her disease that only surgery will help. Her arthritis would be cured by surgery, completely gone, and she would have a normal life. Yet she refuses.

I find it exceedingly difficult to continue being sympathetic and compassionate to these people, (and others like them) and I find I am distancing myself from them. I may even be a little bitter, because their refusal to help themselves is affecting everyone around them negatively, yet they don't see it.

How do you continue to deal with people who just drag you down with them?

I am fully aware that I sound like a heartless, judgmental person, but I have my own serious health issues and just can't carry anyone else right now.

Adam's Rib...I have very active RA which affects every joint in my body, and for which I take chemo. This leaves me tired and nauseaus, unable to work. I am also crippled, some days requiring assistance to walk. I am a single parent, with children and a home to care for. I understand that arthritis cannot be cured, but a knee replacement would restore this person's mobility. I am not yet a candidate for surgery, but I'll jump on it when I finally can.

This person has good insurance, and the ability to pay for her meds.

As a life-long smoker, I understand just how difficult quitting smoking can be.

I am not talking about people who can't help themselves, I'm talking about those who refuse to.

(((((((Gorgeous)))))))

(((((((ELJ)))))))...I love the new avatar. You look so beautiful!

Answer 1

I am trying hard not to Judge here but yes, I do believe you are sounding cold hearted. You only think you know what you know. I have a better Understanding than you do. I have been on both sides of the desk. I do not smoke yet I do have COPD. I quit many years ago. I was diagnosed years after I quit.I have rheumatoid arthritis, surgery cannot help my arthritis.Surgery is a very risky thing to undergo and there is no guarantee! I also am an amputee,due to surgery that was suppose to help my knee, those surgeries destroyed my knee so they had to amputate my left leg above the knee. I am compassionate enough for others, so you don't need to be. I have worked in my life. I am not a stupid person. I am on disability. I worked so it is not coming out of your pocket. I would much rather be working again. I'll pray that person you know will be able to stop smoking. It is a very powerful addition. Some people can quit easier than others.
I'll pray that this person the strength to quit.
I'll pray for you most of all that you will receive the love that Jesus would have you show your fellow human beings.
((((((((((Red Queen))))))))))
Forgive me of my anger! I didn't even realize that was you! I know you care for your fellow man! You have R.A. like me and you stood up for me once. I also take Chemotherapy Medications for it. I sometimes get angry and open my mouth before I think.

Answer 2

Sometimes, but I try and walk a mile in their shoes.

I had a friend of mine whom was a very intelligent, sweet person with just one vice, he was an alcoholic. For the longest time he just wouldn't give it up.
I later found out it had to do with his emotional scars as when he was a child he was abounded time and time again my his mother, and left him for over-drinking man. He had deep psychology issues and was trying to drink out his pain. Now he is a recovering alcoholic and a proud member of AA.
Before that, I was getting frustrated with his seemingly 'careless' behaviour.

I was put into my place when I had the proper prospective.

My own father had a war injury. His whole shoulder was completely useless, he was always in pain. He said after the years he just became use to it. That's my dad! When he was older the doctors said when his other army doctors had made many mistakes when they first sowed his arm together. They wouldn't to 'fix it'. He didn't do it.- Some people that he was silly.
Someone who wouldn't help himself.

But it was because he couldn't afforded to take the two months bed rest he'd have to if he had the surgery.
He was the main provider in a large family. So he want on until he died with the pain in his shoulder for his family.

I was brought up in quite a few third world war torn counties.
My parents along with several other doctors/missionaries would set up medical and mental clinics. Small little tents actually.- that never had enough of anything.
For the newbie helpers that would arrive most would start acting like they were having a heart attack soon after.
Some people who could have helped themselves there refused, sometimes only coming for a just little food, to watch or dissway others who were looking for help. Eventually they learned there are many reasons people refuse the attention they need. Reasons to vast to go in to now. The best thing to do is walk a mile in their shoes, try and get them to understand, offer them help, do what you can, and then leave them alone. There are more people seeking help we need to rescue, until they can do it themselves.

There is a time to draw the line and then move on.
When and if they are ever willing, they know where to find you.

Answer 3

I agree with you, it is frustrating. People do have to make up their minds to help themselves. If it upsets you, then I think you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself. I feel the same way about people in abusive relationships... if you keep going back to your abuser, then you pretty much deserve what you get. Those arguments about having nowhere to go, blah blah.... there are shelters, the police, and your family. The problem is, many victims are too ashamed to tell their family so continue to be abused. It's a sick cycle, but then I also believe that some people choose to be victims, and some people who choose not to have medical procedures that would help them like the attention they get from people feeling sorry for them. Perhaps not very kind to say, but I do believe it is true in some cases.

Answer 4

I think the important thing I keep in mind is that they are human and they are used to following the 'safe' pattern even if it is harming them and causing others distress. We're all like this to a very large extent. We could be going for that job that would be better for the family even if a tad frightening but we stay in that old job without challenging our potential. My mother had a heart attack two years ago (she's only 56) and she has smoked her most of her life very heavily and she continues to eat foods that are heavily processed even though she has managed to lose weight and keep it off through exercise. The important thing is that she knows that I would like her to quit smoking and clean up her diet but I recognize that when I am impatient with her then I should take a look at myself. Where in my life am I doing the same things, especially if it's irritating me so much? I do understand your frustration but we 'play it safe' to the point of killing ourselves spiritually, emotionally and physically. Courage is what is needed to change. Blessings

Answer 5

Yes, absolutely. And there is a world of difference in being compassionate and being an enabler. When I worked in a Baptist ministry center, we saw many people on a one-time only basis. They needed a little help getting on their feet, and never came back. But others would have been at the doorstep every day saying, "What have you got for me today?" (Emotionally as well as financially.) It felt so unChristian to say "Don't come back until you can show you're at least trying to help yourself." But my director helped me understand that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to "speak a word of truth" to them about taking responsibility.

Answer 6

I understand where you are coming from as I am having surgery next week and have two friends that have chronic health problems also. Sometimes it gets rough trying to balance my own welfare against theirs, when they refuse to make the kind of hard choices I have had to make and then get upset when I will not put their comfort above my health. I do keep trying to help them in the ways that I think are best, but they often think I am just being mean spirited and hard hearted.

Answer 7

As far as the smoking part go's I don't have much symphony for them if they refuse to quit.I think they could if they had more will power .
I have know several people who can not quit smoking. They claim they have tried and can't and I have known other people who have quit after 30 or more years. I knew this one lady who was a friend of my Mothers who had Lung Cancer and could not quit smoking. She asked another of her friends to wheel her out of her hospital bed out side so she could have a cigarette. She then was wheeled back into her hospital room to die, I pitied her.
As far as the arthritis go's surgery doesn't always help.

Answer 8

I almost have the same situation as you, my mother refused to help her self almost all of her life and depended it on others about anything and everything. I and sometimes my other siblings had to take care of things for her. I think the fact with her was that she likes to control people and demand things from others. perhaps the people that you know are like that. like to demand and control. I had enough of it and frankly I just gave up and now I am paying more attention to my needs and wants which by the way I neglected long time ago.

Answer 9

Perhaps the lady who needs the surgery cannot afford it. Who knows ? Perhaps the person with COPD knows they are already under a death sentence with extremely limited time. So?

Why do you feel pressured to feel sympathy for them? Just be kind. Be compassionate. It may be that some time from now.. you may be in dire need of compassion from someone else. In proverbs it is written what goes around comes around. Try harder to remember you are no more perfect than any of the rest of us.

Jesus even said it..what goes around comes around.. He said that for any of us to be forgiven we must learn to forgive.

Ah, I see you added that you have your own serious health issues. And so perhaps you are angry they cannot help YOU more ? Set aside yourself and be compassionate anyway. It all counts. Every thought you have..every word you say..every action you take and many you do not take. Just be kind. Maybe later no one will feel as though you are dragging them down.

Answer 10

A home is constructed for someone to dwell there.
With the construction of any new home there is always a written and verbal warranty.
If the one dwelling within this new home refuses to maintain it or use preventive maintenance to avoid problems, then it invalidates the warranty.
One must maintain a good working "relationship" with the one that originally constructed (or Created) the home. If this "relationship" is not maintained then at times it becomes a real challenge for the one living there to keep up with the decay of the property, on their own.
One must understand what the word "relationship", truly means.
The builder or contractor and the one living in the structure must always have a viable "relationship".

Everyone is responsible for themselves.
Everyone must understand what a true "relationship" is.

"Peace be always with you."