My financee and I were talking the other day, and he said that he wanted to buy a gun. For no reason, whatsoever, he wanted one. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable, and that I don't want him to buy it. Plus I don't think it's necessary.
Today, he suprises me by saying that he bought it ($300) and he said that he was not asking for my permission.
First of all, he is in incredible DEBT. And lots of it. He's been complaining about it and it pisses me off that he did that and created more debt for himself...and eventually it would be my debt since we're planning to get married in Fall of 2008. I am the one planning to pay for most of the wedding. He is spending money like it grows from a tree.
Second, he totally went against what I strongly felt about guns. I told him that I don't even want to hear a word about what I buy from now on then. Or how much money he owes.
Has anyone ever dealt with this type of situation? I needed to get this off my chest!!
2007-12-28 19:26:48 · 17 answers · asked by Sandy 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I grew up in a family and my dad was a single parent and he always was buying guns. I don't mind them but I believe enough is enough when a guy buys one that means they have to buy out there local gun store (eventually) just so that they have every gun known to man. Now the gun is a good thing for protect to mean because it was cheap it was probably a shot gun or rifle which is still good protection just not easy to hide (if planning on having little ones.) When I started dating my fiance he wasn't into guns. His hobby was car stereo and home theater installs which also meant because someone else had it we had to have it times 6. Well he kept falling behind on his truck payment and kept putting it off to buy all of this car stero stuff along with putting me off. I am not a material girl i don't need the money but it is nice every once and a while go out on a date and have him pay for it without hearing now "I'm broke for the week" or "now I can't pay that bill" so I have and still am go through the same thing. The best thing you can do is:
A) talk about it (yes this means fight) he isn't going to want to hear it but he is going to have to hear it.
B) When you get married things that you are going to pay for put them in your name his debt and continueing debt stays in his name. Don't sign anything as a co-signer for him in anyway, shape or form.
C) This is going to be a huge strain on your relationship because I am the same way as you pay my bills one time, and try to control debt and manage money well. Now he has no concept of money nor will he ever. Try to meet in the middle or try a finanical planner, invite him over to the house to go over your debts with HIM and you together and maybe this will open his eyes.
I have tried everything and have gotten nowhere except yelled out that it isn't my business but there has to be an agreement (which we have established) about finances. Who pays what and what goes in who's name. Make things far. Even though he has a ton of debt still make him pay off his debt plus up coming bills he shouldn't get off the hook that easily. He has to understand he isn't making money to spend it faster than he makes it he has to be an adult and be responsable with his money because you are not going to be the one going down for his debt and stupidness when it comes to him not paying bills. Make sure you make it clear that it bothers you and that you want a compermise which doesn't include him telling you its not your business. You love him and you want to marry him so that makes it your business to know what he is doing and where his money is going because you are not going to work two jobs to support his spending habits. If anything he will have to get another job. Good Luck!
ps my fiance eventually came around to the idea of a compromise and thought it was a great idea. He still have a little spending money and we still put money away into savings plus go out on dates occassionally. Good Luck again!
2007-12-29 02:53:55 · answer #1 · answered by Starsky 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he has problems with money and you might want to think twice before marrying him. It will only get worse. I have a friend who married a man like that and HE blames her for all the money problems in the marriage when HE is the one out there spending. They have been unhappy since they got married because of HIS problem and she is thinking of leaving. If your fiance doesn't feel he needs your permission for a $300 gun then he will think the same way about more expensive items as well. The debt is HIS and it should stay that way. He knows you will bail him out of it, but I'm telling you from third person experience things will not get better once you marry him. Money problems seem to be the number one reason couples divorce these days and I would hate for you to be part of that statistic. Fact is if you want to stay with him and take the risk you won't be happy bailing him out all the time and he will take advantage of your money. If you still want to marry him you should both get councelling for debt and come up with a money plan/budget to control his spending. Other than that people rarely ever change so be VERY SURE you want to be with him "for richer or poorer". Good Luck!
2007-12-29 02:00:22 · answer #2 · answered by P 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Breath a sigh of relief because whatever debt he accrues in HIS name will not become YOURS after you marry. The only way it will be on your head is if you guys are on a credit card, or, some other type of credit account together. As far as the gun goes, well... I can understand your angle on it, but unfortunately the world we are living in deems necessary to have one at home. He can buy a lock for the trigger and maybe that will ease your mind. I would be more concerned with the fact that he didn't consider your feelings about the whole thing. Sounds like you two need a heart to heart.
2007-12-29 03:12:10 · answer #3 · answered by jessiekarma 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well now...is he buying a gun in a hurry because if we get a fire arm phobic democrat in the presidential office they may be a lot harder to come by? Just a thought...but if that is the reason, it's a good one...
Secondly, it sounds like you 2 don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. I can't even imagine trying to live like that. My fiance and I are on the same page on nearly everything, and the things we aren't we are discussing. Politics, gun rights, and finances really are large issues that you need to be working on. If he doesn't fit you right, move on. I know if my fiance ever tried to tell me I couldn't buy a gun (for only 300 dollars)...I'd kick him to the curb.
So sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself...and then with him.
2007-12-29 03:17:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi Sandy:
I hate to say this...but you may want to rethink getting married to him. Do some research.....money issues....not sex....is the #1 reason for divorce. It sounds like he is a free spender and not taking his debt seriously. Legally, once you are married, you will NOT be responsible for his debt prior to the marriage....but I still see lots of red flags! Be careful.
He is being totally unreasonable, as far as I'm concerned. And you have to pay for the wedding? NOT!
2007-12-29 02:07:09 · answer #5 · answered by iloveweddings 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
he has no respect for you. period. having a gun in the house is a big issue and for him to not take your feelings on it seriously and not care about them is a big red flag! he doesn't respect the issues with money, he needs to help you pay for the wedding, he needs to be paying off his debt, not spending the money on a gun that you obviously don't feel comfortable about. i would really think twice about marrying this guy. he does not sound like he will treat you any better in the marriage, only worse. he will not care what you think about anything because as he said about the gun, he is not asking your permission, he will do what he wants to with out caring what you think. do you want to live your life like that?
2007-12-29 00:21:56 · answer #6 · answered by nytengayle13 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Let's just say mine isn't in debt and still makes sure I won't get angry if he makes those purchases. He wou;d never go behind my back and do that to me, and we don't even live together. I think it's a big issue, that he went behind your back and also cut into the wedding funds. This is a definate red flag that he has no respect for your opinions.
2007-12-29 19:26:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd only be concerned because your fiance is already in debt.
Sit down and talk about his debts. Spending money like it grows on trees is a big red flag.
2007-12-29 17:10:40 · answer #8 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes my dear, I married a selfish spendthrift jackass who ended up a violent drunkard and lets not get started...
My suggestion is you can see with your own eyes what a drop kick this guy is already and he has not yet developed all the disregard and contempt for you that he will later.
Run! Run like mad from this unhealthy relationship. Break it off and seek someone who is right for you. You can marry this one and repent forever, or you can perhaps miss this one a while but save yourself heaps of heart ache...
Take to your scrapers and run like crazy.
Hand the idiot his ring back, you don't need anything to do with him and stay clear of him. Travel overseas, go see some of the world. It will help clear your head and prevent you from lunging back into the same situation too soon.
Best of luck.
Lisa
2007-12-28 20:23:45 · answer #9 · answered by Lisa 6 · 8⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to be angry. Please don't rush into this marriage. And remember once you tie the knot, your credit and his pretty much become one unit. If he is really in debt and you are not, he will be dragging you down credit wise and you may never recover. Marriage is not just about love and sex, it's also about money.
2007-12-29 00:10:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋