Is the concept of etiquette a bit shallow?

Question

I mean, why should people be expected to conform to some unwritten standard instead of being themselves for fear of offending someone's sensibilites? I can see how we shouldn't do some things for concern of others, like not being disgusting to people at dinner because it could put them off their appetite, but what freaking difference does it make if someone is wearing pajamas in public (some of the responses to that question are quite sad)? It is not hurting anyone and you do not know their circumstances - what if that is all they have to wear? And what if someone is making a scene in a store or restaruant? Again, you do not know the person - perhaps they were having a very rough day, perhaps they have autism, perhaps they have OCD and become upset if their rituals are disturbed? Why must we be soooo judgemental??

Answer 1

I'm wondering if perhaps you have misunderstood what etiquette is all about. At its fundamental level, etiquette is about respect, especially showing respect for others. I think that showing compassion for people who are having a hard day or suffering from an illness would certainly fall under the principles of etiquette. Of course etiquette says that it's more appropriate to wear a suit to a funeral than pajamas, but etiquette also says that if a person comes to a funeral in pajamas, the other people at the funeral should treat that person kindly and not in a way that would make that person stand out or make him/her feel uncomfortable in any way.

Answer 2

Etiquette isn't about shallow rules. Etiquette was invented to try and make people comfortable by outlining standards that people could agree one... Even table manners which some people see as pointless make sense. If you don't have a specific order in which to set the table (for instance, the different types of forks from left to right in the order in which you eat), people might be confused and not know which one to use with each course. This would make them feel conspicuous or stupid - knowing that you start on the outside and work your way in, no matter which utensils are there, makes everyone able to eat a meal without hassle.

Etiquette has become something archaic that people see as fussy or unnecessary, but I really think that if you look at any common etiquette and think about it, you'll see that it stems form the desire to keep from putting people on the spot. Another example: you wait to be offered drinks or food at someone's home - you don't ask. What if they don't happen to have any? It would put them on the spot. It's all about having the ball in the court of the person at a disadvantage.

If you can name any etiquette that I can't explain the route of, or reason for, I'll be very impressed.

PS - I really didn't mean that to sound so convoluted... I really just mean what I said: I've thought about etiquette & politness a lot, and whether it's justified.

Answer 3

You raise some interesting and very valid points.

People do have a tendency to be judgemental, but it is often more out of relief ("I'm so glad it's not MY kid having a meltdown in Aisle 3") than anything else!

But etiquette shouldn't be a bout some set of unwritten rules designed to make life harder for us.

It's been said many times that good manners are simply the ability to make others feel comfortable, and all etiquette should ever be is the road map to that result.

If you wish to feel more comfortable at a function, or want to honour your guests, or would like to know how to proceed through uncharted territory in the tricky modern social world, etiquette is a useful tool to help you achieve those ends.

But like anything else ~ etiquette is a good servant and a poor master. If your life will be ruined because you don't have the 'right' fish fork ... time to re-evaluate!

The examples you give are very good in point of this.

What if someone wears their pyjamas in public? Etiquette says, not your business ~ unless they are obviously distressed, when etiquette says you should contact someone who can help them.

But seriously ~ do you think it's OK for someone to abuse someone else for any of the reasons you have listed? So what if someone is autistic, having a bad day or OCD ~ they still don't have a right to visit their wrath on you, all that does is make sure you have a bad day too! How you handle it, is another thing ...

In the meanwhile, etiquette is not about being judgemental, it's about where we draw the lines for ourselves.

Cheers :-)

Answer 4

The purpose of etiquette is to make people feel more comfortable not less comfortable.
If someone shows up for a wedding wearing dirty jeans and a ripped tee shirt when everyone else is wearing suits, the under dressed person is going to feel foolish, not everyone else. Etiquette saves us these types of embarrassments. It's not about being judgmental.

It reminds me of a time when my family was out to eat and my sister told my dad how bad his manners were because he was a messy eater and though he laughed it off it obviously hurt his feelings a bit. When he went to the restroom I pointed out to her that while his manners might not be the best, in this particular situation, hers were far worse. Etiquette was designed and remains popular because it is supposed to make people feel at ease. Those who use it as an excuse to look down upon others are missing the point.

As to why we conform to unwritten standards so as not to offend instead of being ourselves? I agree we should be free to be ourselves, but I also agree that my rights end at the tip of another person's nose. There are lots of things (like words) that don't personally offend me, but I know that they do offend others - deeply offend. So I don't say those words when I'm in public or around mixed company because I care enough about other people that I don't want to offend them. I find that I am able to express myself perfectly well without doing and saying things that are blatantly offensive to the majority of the world. Obviously, there will always be some bizarre thing that one person will have an issue with and I can't know about everything, so I might offend someone with something. But I want people to be respectful of me and so I try to be respectful of others by observing the generally accepted guidelines as far as what is considered offensive and etiquette and such things.

Answer 5

You seem judgmental yourself, right?? Etiquette is a way that people live together without fighting each other. It is a form of "law" but on the social level, and the only retribution for breaking these "laws" is through social or cultural pressure.

Cultures have standards, the lower class the culture, the lower the standards. That's the way it is. Look back through history, see what types made the most and biggest contributions to civilization. Learn from history so that mistakes aren't repeated.

Or, be a slob, live off the efforts of others, take pride in non-producing aspects of your own culture. It IS up to you. As long as it is legal, then you can do it. You can wear jammies to your own funeral as far as I care, but don't expect ME to say that you are cultured and showing your individuality to it's best by just being a slovenly lazy, non-contributing member of society.
Look at who is wearing PJ's, it usually reflects the rest of their nature as well, as does nearly everything else we do in our lives and our contributions to the society we wish to not only preserve but to enrich.

Answer 6

It is a matter of respect, it shows that you respect yourself enough not to run around in pjs, and it shows that you respect other people, too, by not doing something weird. For instance, your 60+ year old great aunty is taking you to a nice lunch at your favorite restaurant, and then going to give you $100 to buy your own birthday present with. Would you show up in your pink "Hello Kitty " nightgown? I hope not, if I was your aunty, I'd leave you at your doorstep, and go give the $100 to some poor kid who needed it.
Most manners help us cope with unknown situations, with strangers. We know to offer a hand for a shake, otherwise we would be standing there looking at someone with nothing to do but stare. "Hello, I'm Rivers, how do you do?' is an ice breaker, a way to get to know someone, a way for them to get to know you. There is a reason for most manners, they come to us because people, over time, have discovered the best way to do things, and have shared them. Manners prevent total chaos in a society.

Answer 7

No, on the contrary.

The idea of etiquette is based on consideration and compassion; the fact that we are over 6 billion people on this little planet and we are all equal.

Without such concepts as etiquette and political correctness we would live in a "dog eat dog" anarchy, which would make Nazi-Germany look kind and compassionate.

Wearing pajamas in public has not much to do with etiquette. In fact, it's good etiquette not to cause the pajamas-bearer any discomfort for his/her choice of outfit - as long as the pajamas covers his/her private parts and thus he/she is not causing any discomfort to his/her environment.;-)

Answer 8

Etiquette is a way of showing respect to yourself as well as people around you.

What is so hard to understand about respect??

Answer 9

And the world is still spinning after your rant, and wearing pajamas in public is still trashy and wrong.

Answer 10

I agree with you 100%
Infact, tomorrow I am going to wear my bath robe all day!
And-- if anyone says anything, I will say "hey go **** your self" and I will open my robe to flip them the one eyed Willy.
hehe.. I'm kidding.. Theres nothing wrong with PJ's