my parents split up 5 years ago, and pretty much hate each other. i live with my mom, but she always complains about how much she's mad at my dad or what he does wrong whenever it's time to visit him. i don't want to be mean but it bothers me that she says those things. It just sticks with me and makes me uncomfortable. she thinks it's normal and funny, but to me it just hurts because i love both my parents and it is hard when she keeps saying things like that. Is there any way I can fix this? should i just suck it up or should i tell her? i don't know how to go about it.
2007-12-28 14:06:57 · 28 answers · asked by trees are great 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Wow lots of feedback... seems like i have to bite the bullet and say something
2007-12-28 14:22:23 · update #1
I am 27 years old, my parents split when I was 17. Whenever I would call one of them the conversation seemed to alway turn into some type of complaint/rant about one another. Eventually I told them that I love both of them, and they may have ill feelings towards eachother but I no longer wanted to hear it. Eventually is began to go away, and 10 years later my dad lets one slip, but I just remind him about or rule.
Talk to them, explain to them it's hurting you, and they may descontinue the talk when your around.
2007-12-28 14:12:15 · answer #1 · answered by BigDaddy 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You should tell her that you would appreciate it if she would keep her negative comments about your dad to herself. Tell her you love them both and don't like feeling pressured to take sides (even if she says that's not what she's doing, that is exactly what she is doing). It's a known fact that parents are not supposed to do this to their children.
Now, I am a grown up from a broken family where my mom did the exact same thing. I'm 29 years old, to be exact. I'm not close to either of my parents as I have a lot of resentment and guilt. My mom spent so much time trash talking my dad, that I started to believe what she was saying...and my dad was tired of being turned into the "evil" man, so he backed off and wasn't around as much (and I really don't blame him...she was horrible). It feels like their divorce was my divorce...it was ugly and involved all of us (my brothers included). I don't think any of us has recovered and it's a defining point in my life. Now I live thousands of miles away and maybe see family once every two or so years.
Your mom needs to know that she could lose your companionship and affection if she keeps trying so hard to turn you against your dad. It's going to come back and bite her. She might be telling you all the bad things your dad has done...but you are going to come to resent her as much as him because she was the cause of it.
2007-12-28 22:17:16 · answer #2 · answered by Lunasea 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She is hurt, and she wants you to be on her side whether she will admit it or not. You need to tell her that you can not tolerate her slamming your father around you all the time. It makes you feel bad, and she needs to know that. If she continues to do it even after you have spoken to her on the subject, maybe you should consider going to live with your Dad. I assume that you are old enough to make that decision for yourself, or you would not be using this forum to discuss the issue. If she laughs at you when you bring up the subject, then she doesn't respect your feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes when parents get divorced the bitterness makes them so selfish. She may not be hurting you on purpose, but she is being selfish non the less.
2007-12-28 22:59:58 · answer #3 · answered by AB 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't have to endure those comments. It's very hurtful for children to hear parents say bad things about the other parent. Don't yell at her, but tell her calmly that it's very hurtful, and you wish that she wouldn't do it, and that in fact, psychologists say that such comments end up backfiring and making the child angry at the speaker. Every time she says something you don't like, just repeat that. Eventually, she'll stop.
2007-12-28 22:11:10 · answer #4 · answered by Q 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's really sad that parents try to hurt the other parent through the children.
Try to turn a deaf ear to your mom's rants. Leave the room... Maybe even tell your mom, " Mom I love you and always will, I understand you may have issues with dad but; dad is my dad and I love him too."
2007-12-28 22:10:53 · answer #5 · answered by ♥♥The Queen Has Spoken♥♥ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit her down and let her know that you are sincere and let her know how you feel. This may or may not change things... all you can do is try. She also could be a little jealous when you go to see him. So keep her feelings in mind too and let her know that you understand how she feels about it, but she needs to know that your getting hurt in the process too. I was fortunate to have a very loving family and im sorry your going through this. Hope this helps.
2007-12-28 22:11:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell your Mom how you feel.
When she starts on one of her rants say something like
"Mom, It hurts me when you say mean things about my Dad. He is the only Father I have and I love him. I can't change what happened between the two of you that caused the divorce or what he does that upsets you. But please don't talk that way about him to me. It hurts me too much."
Keep your words centered on how she makes *you* feel.
You will have to do this repeatedly as she has developed a habit of complaining to you and this is the way you can help her break tjos habit.
2007-12-28 22:20:08 · answer #7 · answered by nolainkansas 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That would bother me too! just let her know how you feel, just tell her what you said on your comment, that you feel uncomftorble with her saying stuff bout your dad and that if she hates him thats between him and her not you, just tell her dat you love your dad as much as you love her and you would be hurt if he said such things bout her too. sit down with her and just be mature and honest about your feelings, have a conversation with her about it, it sure will help
if your mom is hurt becus of the divorce she shouldnt apply that on you, cuz you are the child and your dad will be your dad forever no matter what and so will your mom so dont just take the insults if its hurting you.
2007-12-28 22:11:55 · answer #8 · answered by mave 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell her how her comments make you feel and why......just like you did in your question.
Divorced parents can be bitter towards each other, and its a shame she shows this in front of you. She may be jealous of the time you spend with your father, or just has a hard time sharing you. Whatever her reasons, she should keep her personal opinions of him to herself.
Just be honest with her. Don't yell, keep your cool, and explain your feelings to her.
2007-12-28 22:14:00 · answer #9 · answered by GracieM 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be nice and tell her "Mom, I know you dislike/ mad at my father. But he IS still MY DADDY. When you say terrible things about him it hurts me too because I still love him. I understand if you are still upset about the divorce, I am too. But he is still my dad!!! Please quit making rude comments about him in front of me. I know you may mean them in a joking manner, but it still hurts ME."
If she is a good mother she will realize what she is doing and apologize to you AND stop making comments.
It may take a while to wear completely off her mind but it will happen, I PROMISE!!
2007-12-28 22:12:53 · answer #10 · answered by Lolliebums 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋