Biggest mistake of my life?

Question

As posted before, I hit my wife when she questioned me after a night out with some of my colleagues over a week ago. I am a dentist, practice owner ...educated, a professional. I am not some thug out on the street that takes pleasure in abusing his spouse. I feel horrible. I did right away. I don't have much time with my business and patients, and I wanted to resolve this on my own so our 2 children didn't get involved. I am having a very difficult time convincing my wife to trust me. She has moved back home from her sisters finally, but things are so different and she seems so distant. What can I do?

Yes, I am christian... and I am not a bad person.

Answer 1

There is no way to actively convince her to trust you beyond your evidenced commitment to her and regret over that incident; on the other hand, if she is serious about working things out, she needs to find some sort of resolution to her feelings, as there will be no repairing the relationship until she does. It sounds like you two should go to couple's counseling to work on your relationship; this will show commitment on behalf of both of you, and also provide you both when an impartial mediator. Good luck!

Answer 2

STOP crucifying yourself,get a grip (not round her neck either)Try explaining to your wife,if you can not explain the feelings you felt when she did not trust you,then try asking her if she trusts you more or less now and if the answer is less,then ask her why she didnt trust you before you hit her,theres something going on in her head (other than your fist).....Your story either does not add up or she has a good reason for not trusting you in the first place......does she suspect your playing away ? do you play away,are you hitting her through frustration or guilt or because you cant face the truth or do you feel she cant hear the truth when you tell it.As frustratingly annoying as women can be when they make little or no sense,they do not or should not become a punch bag,feeling guilty or regretting it afterward is just not enough.............I am not saying i have not come very close,i had a girlfriend that thought it ok to throw a full bottle of vodka at my head,so i grabbed her by the throat and spun her round and layed her on the sofa and whilst she was down,i calmly walked out and went to a friends home,i got him to call round to find out if she was ok,but she did not ask if my cracked head was ! So i never returned.....................That is .......it takes two to feel for each other,one party alone can not resolve this,it will take time and honesty. Even if you want councelling it will take both of you to be TOTALLY HONEST (whether christian or not !)

Answer 3

What can you do? You hit her!
She is never going to forget it...EVER!
Will the pain and mental torture stop for her?
Remains to be seen.
What does a thug in the street have to do with you being a scum bag who hits his wife?
I've known some thugs that treat women like queens.
She seems different and distant...this is a strange concept for you? You abuse her trust and confidence in you, not only as her husband, but as a man and you are confussed why she does not trust you?
I was a little hesitant to use the word man....as you most certainly are not. No real man would hit his wife...She should take everything you have making you feel weak and inadequate...then maybe you will beign to understand how defenseless and empty she probably feels.
Shame on you....therapy will not help you...you are an animal.
If this is a true scenario and you being a christain and claiming to be a good person is just part and parcel of all my previous commments blasting the jesus ideal and the obvious confusion it creates in people. No Jew would hit his wife...Never.

Answer 4

Well, for starters, you need to do all of the things everyone else has recommended here, such as anger management or some form of couseling, etc. You don't need to be a thug out on the street to abuse your spouse. People of all classes do this. If it is important to you to fix this and make sure it never happens again, then you need to make time for it.

You also need to question your motives as to why you would do anything. If it is all just to get her back, then you might as well forget it, because once she comes home, you will have accomplished your goal and it WILL happen again, somewhere, sometime in the future because you will not continue to get help. What I see in a lot of the answers here is about trying to make her feel safe and be patient and basically focus on getting her to believe you won't do it again, and that is just manipulating her into coming back home. You have to get past the real issues that caused it and break this cycle. If your motive is to truly make sure that you never do this to anyone again, then it has to be done regardless of whether she comes home or not. If it isn't her, it will be someone else. Coming back home is her decision and hers alone and you cannot do anything to make things go your way.

You also need to question yourself as to why it happened in the first place. There is more to this story than what you are telling. For instance, why did you get so defensive over her questioning? Were you drunk when it happened? Was there abuse in your home growing up? This may be the first time you ever hit your wife, but did you verbally or emotionally abuse her before? Did you ever hit any other woman in your life? This is way more complicated than just "I'm educated, therefore I cannot be an abuser, but I hit my wife once."

Take it from someone who was abused by her husband--me. We are back together but it was after a very long separation and it wasn't until he truly got help for himself that it happened. He had to be ready to go on with his life knowing that he was no longer an abuser with or without me before we could have any chance.

Answer 5

I would suggest initiating on your own some counseling with a christian therapist who specializes in "anger management." Are you from a home where physical actions were the way your dad dealt with issues, or was this a one time thing where you simply lost your cool and lashed out-literally?

Either way, I would investigate the WHYS of your behavior and be very upfront with your wife about the fact that you need and want to get help so that this does NOT occur again.

I admire your willingness to humble yourself before others and admit you have been wrong. That is a good start to emotional healing and you will find it will help your wife if you will ask for her forgiveness as well.

God bless you. It may take some time for her to trust you again. You might involve her in the counseling so that you can both learn more effective ways of communication that will help curb the anger trigger.

www.graceteacher.com

Answer 6

Talk gently and patiently to her, explain that you really seriously regret having lost your temper, and you feel sufficiently bad about it that you are confident it will never happen again. You may want to talk about anger management specifically, ask what she thinks is the right way to handle such a situation, and dialog seriously, quietly, patiently, lovingly. Be sure to tell her that you really do love her, that having her out of the house at her sister's made you realize how much you need her, you're afraid you've been taking her for granted. And then explain exactly what went on during the night out with colleagues and why you didn't want to be questioned about it. Be completely honest, as it's the only way she'll be able to start trusting you again.

Believe me, being hit is even more shocking than having you confess a sexual escapade. It raises fear as much as anger, and is confusing in the extreme. Also, women get much contradictory advice from other women as to how to handle it.

Answer 7

As a Christian, you need to sincerely repent (perhaps publicly at church if others are aware of it), and privately to your wife. If your kids are old enough to understand what happened, you should also talk to them. You should look into some individual counseling and/or anger management, and possibly some couples/family counseling if your wife agrees. Had you been drinking and/or using any drugs the night you hit your wife? If so, you should definitely also look into AA or NA. Most importantly, pray...alone and with your wife.

Don't expect change overnight. If I were your wife, I would be reluctant to trust you again. It will take a lot of time and patience on everyone's part for you and your wife to reach the place in your marriage you were before the incident. God bless.

Answer 8

Good question.

I am just some thug out on the street but In 40 years of marriage this is something that I have never done. I will admit I felt like doing it a couple of times but I didn't..

I'm not sure that being a dentist,or an educated professional precludes the possibility of doing something idiotic.

I would suggest groveling, and apologizing profusely. I'm sure you told her that you were sorry, but now you need to make her believe it.

Love and blessings Don

Answer 9

As a woman who has been hit the only thing I can say is it will take time. Stop saying you are sorry it does not help but make sure she knows you have not forgotten. Try looking into some help it will go along way in showing how you feel.And it does not matter if you are god abiding or not do you think your wife is sitting there saying "but he believes in god"?

What ever you do NEVER hit her again!!!!!! If you even think about it leave the house walk it off because you do it again and she more then likely wont come back

Answer 10

I think all you can do is keep trying hard to make it up to her, for as long as it takes. To be hit by your spouse would take a while to get over I would think. If you really love her, you need to establish trust again. A night out with colleagues? How late are you talking? I think she may have had every right to question you about it.