How do I (a non-parent) tell my friend that her bad parenting is harming her child?

Question

My friend hits, spanks and yells at her 5-year-old (among other equally bad disciplinary techniques), trying to deal with a child who's continually angry, throws massive temper tantrums and is out of control most of the time, both at home and at school. Unbelievably, this parent thinks she's dealing with a bad child. She can't see that she's set up this vicious circle herself with her poor parenting skills and the child is only reacting in kind.

My problem is, as a non-parent, I have no credibility to point out her lack of parenting skills or even suggest she get help for herself first and I'd certainly get no thanks for telling her what's perfectly plain to see from an outsider's point of view!

I feel badly for the poor child who's caught in this trap with a parent who hasn't a clue, but I also feel sorry for my friend that her great hopes for motherhood are being lost in a daily battle of her own ignorant creation.

Any wisdom here would be greatly appreciated.

- Sharon.

Answer 1

unfortunately there's very little you can do, beyond (i) being a calm model when you're around the child; (ii) being a support for your friend so she's more calm herself; and (iii) perhaps passing on the occasional tip about a free seminar or whatever for "difficult to manage kids", from which she may pick up some pointers if she chooses to go. if she's complaining to you about a problem you may also mention that you have another friend who deals with it such and such a way....

Answer 2

A couple things...First, this is a very delicate area as you are not a parent and therefore, many parents will not value your opinion as much. Is the child in school yet? A private meeting with the teacher or guidance counselor could help BUT you have to be careful not to paint your friend as an "abuser" if you don't feel that is the case. If you do....then you owe it to the child to speak to someone about the child's needs.

As a parent and also as a preschool teacher, I can testify that discipline is a very indivdual and touchy area to cover.

A second possibility is try to find an outlet for both the mom and the child so they have down time from each other and can "recharge". Offer to watch the child and give mom a breaktime, or...find a sitter and go the the movies or the mall or something with the mom. Is this a single parent situation? That adds to the stress. Remember, it's the innocent child who needs the protecting so make sure their needs come first when you decide what to do.

Answer 3

I do believe that it's hard to take advice from a non-parent because most parents believe you can't understand what they're going through until you've had a kid of your own.

As a friend though, I would recommend maybe writing down some ideas for disciplining the child that might be better suited towards rectifying the child's behavior rather than making it worse. Sit down and talk it over with her and see what she thinks.

At this point she may be willing to take any advice she can get. There are no perfect parents, and even those who seem to do the right thing can end up with bad kids.

So just try to be a good friend, and hopefully she will take your advice (good advice that is).

Good luck!

Answer 4

If you have some advice that you think would do her some good (what she should be doing, not just what she's doing wrong), then you could start like "I read an article the other day that reminded me of you and son, and it said...." (it would be even better if you could find such and article and give it to her). Otherwise, you're right, you have little credibility as a non-parent, and also, you would be risking your friendship if she reacts defensively to your criticism, as most people do.

My friend of 21 years raises her kids very differently than I do mine. It bothers me, but I've never said anything about it. Luckily we're only together a few times a year.

Answer 5

Do you know her family or spiritual advisor? You could mention to them that you're concerned and would appreciate it if they would take a closer interest. If the child is already in school, you could also mention something to the teacher.

Another option is to get some good books about early childhood development, and talk to your friend about them, using the excuse that you yourself were interested in learning because you spend so much time around her child.

She's lucky to have such a caring friend.

Answer 6

I have no problem with spanking as long as it is not done in a rage of anger.I do have problems with the parent yelling and cussing the kids and verbally abusing them.
Sounds like she needs some counseling though.Explain this to some people who have raised good children who are adults, and have them visit your friend with you some and maybe they can give her some pointers.

Answer 7

Anyone hitting a child should be reported to CPS. Also, you can call the child's school.

It's not a crime to be a jerk to a child, but anything beyond light spanking can eventually escalate to full physical abuse.

If you're a real friend, you will speak up to her and give her a chance to change first.

Answer 8

You handle it by not directly interfering. If the mother is doing something that would warrant a visit from CPS, then you make an anonymous report and have someone sent over to the house.