Ideas on what to say to my dramatic mother?

Question

Background info: I live in Chicago. Mom is in Phoenix. I have 1 full time job and one part time job. I am in school part time. My marriage is in a really rocky place right now.

Proceeding...mom sent me an email today. I have no idea what the eff to say in return. To sum it up, she says that she's sent me a million texts (in reality...3) and phone calls (about 4) in the past week and because I haven't responded she is very upset. The fact that I didn't send her a birthday or Xmas gift left her feeling "humiliated" and "distraught" (I have 3 dollars in my bank account...my husband hasn't paid a bill in 2 months, and I'm BROKE). She wants to know if I want her to leave me alone and just go away (oh c'mon).

Well I pulled a double shift on Christmas. And I work 12 hour days EVERY day. Today is my first half day in 3 weeks.

I'm terribly frustrated and hurt that she isn't more understanding. Any ideas on what to tell her? I don't want to respond while angry, so I needed ideas

To the first answerer...the thought of sending a simple email saying

"Your sh*t got sent to Abu Dahbi. My bad."

sent me into a fit of bawling laughter. Thanks muchacho. :-D

By the way...

YES I should have sent her at least a card or letter. I just kept putting it off...when I get home I'm always terribly exhausted and I just want toeat and watch TV. I do feel bad about skipping Xmas this year, but it just slipped right through my fingers.

Answer 1

Wow....are you sure we're not sisters? lol. I hope she's not always like this. It's really good that you're giving yourself time. There's no rush, despite her prodding. When you no longer feel irritated, call her up and tell her what you just told Yahoo Answers. If she can't handle that, let it go. It's her problem now, not yours. Be nice, but stand up to her. That kind of persistence is akin to emotional battery. Maybe it's an internal insecurity, or the way she was raised...my mom can be very similar so I sympathize. In the end though, try to keep in touch with her as much as possible. She sounds needy, and even so, she's still your mom. :-)

My ex grandma-in-law is worse than your mom (routinely calls the cops and 911 if someone doesn't pick up the phone, even though we literally lived 2 miles away and had extremely busy days!). She called nearly every day and it was always a 30 minute long conversation. VERY irritating when you have stuff to do. Anyway, I say that because the best way I found to keep her happy (and eventually eliminate the 911 calls to our house) was to pick up the damn phone every time. If I was busy, I told her so, even if I had to interrupt her mid-sentence. She just wanted to know someone was there. It was always a lot better when I could plan a visit with her--for some reason if we had something planned the phone calls would stop. If we had nothing planned she called all the darn time. Go figure. Maybe your mom is similar. Good luck!

Answer 2

Puzzle Box...

You're in a difficult place on a variety of fronts, to be sure. Some of what you are experiencing is her just being a mom who is far away from her daughter and may be feeling lonely. It could be other things as well. There's no way to know without having a conversation with her.

You do not say whether your mother is fully aware of your situation (your job, your marriage, your bank account, etc.) If she isn't, now would be a good time to tell her. If she is, then she may be way too wrapped up in her own "stuff" to be more understanding.

You also do not say how your relationship is with her overall. Is she always this way with you? Are you and she able to carry on a civil and respectful conversation at other times?

Taking a step back so that you do not respond to her in anger is a wise and thoughtful thing to do. If you think you can have a conversation with her that will not spin out of control (remember, there's not much you can do about how she might react, but you also have half the control), I would suggest giving her a call in response to the e-mail, rather than write an e-mail back.

Take a few deep breaths to start, literally. They work wonders. Stay focused on remaining calm and not getting reactive. Tell her that you are sorry for her disappointment over not having sent her a birthday or Christmas gift. If you could have sent her a card and didn't, acknowledge that and again tell her that you are sorry.

Ask her, as non-judgmentally as you can, if she is aware of your situation. If she says "no", ask her if you can talk about it, and explain that it may help give some context. You might even ask her for advice on how to handle certain situations you are facing (only you can judge whether this would be a good idea).

If she says "yes, I am aware of your situation", ask her to tell you what she knows. If she is accurate in her description, ask her if it makes sense to her that you might have difficulty getting gifts for her. Explain that this does not mean that you don't love her, and that it was not your intent to humiliate or distress her.

Tell her that it saddens you when things get like this between you, and that you are willing to work on keeping in touch. Ask her to tell you exactly what would be helpful for her to hear and receive from you that would convince her that you love her and that you do not want her to "leave you alone." See what she says. If you can accommodate her, then do so. Do NOT promise to do something she asks of you unless you are willing to follow through. If you are unwilling to accommodate her request, then tell her what you CAN do and ask her how that sounds to her.

The key here is to maintain your center at all times, to listen empathically, to be kind in your tone and your words. If you feel yourself losing control, take another deep breath or two. If you know enough to pause before you respond, I believe you are kind and sensitive enough to make it through this conversation in a way that is helpful to both of you.

I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Darlin',
Sending a quick note would have taken a lot less time than the question above took to write. If people want to keep in touch they will - if they don't, well, the number of excuses not to can certainly be never ending. So.... the real reason you haven't written... is because you don't want to share where you're at currently - work-wise, marriage/relationship-wise, who-knows-what-else-wise.... and that's okay. Just let her know that you're okay and will keep in better touch when you can. She doesn't need to know everything you're going through, but a simple sorry would probably work wonders. And just BTW, if I had been unable to contact my daughter who lives half a country away for more than a week and I had tried several modes of contact, I'd be worried (and pissed) too.

She can't be understanding if all she's getting is silence.

Answer 4

Why can't you tell her the truth about why she didn't get a xmas gift. Be honest. It's really the only excuse you have at this point. If you can't say it to her (because your too angry) explain in an emial. You can delete and re-type on emails. Then in a few days give her a call. When thngs have calmed down.
After all she is your mother she has a right to know whats going on in your life.

Answer 5

I'm guessing we know more about your situations then she does. Share with her some of the things that are going on in your life and tell her you really need her support right now even if you can't always answer her messages immediately. Apologize for not sending a card because even a quick letter drafted at lunch would have been enough.

Answer 6

Boy does this sound familar....I have 2 of them. My mom and my sister. Anyway, what I do is talk to her and pacifiy the situation. Not when you are angry though. You have 2 choices really. 1 you can say something and fight and she will be even more dramatic. My mom loves to throw at me "I carried you under my heart for 9 month..." or 2 you pacify and playcate and move on. But do try to explain to your mom what is going on ahe may act this way b/c she doesn't understand or realize what you are dealing with right now.

Anyway that is what I would do.

Answer 7

If you have a good relationship with your mom up till now... how about "Hey mom, I've been extremely busy! I'm working ALL the time, I've had classes, and finals to study for, things aren't so good with ( insert hubby's name here), I'm broke...Sorry I missed Christmas, but I'm not really feeling the holiday spirit this year"

Answer 8

i know exactly how you feel... minus the husband part, my life is a clone of yours. i typically just call back and say hey i've been really busy sorry... and then let her go on about whatever she wants to talk about. if shes just gonna ***** at you then bite the bullet and just agree with whatever she says. if she wants to actually talk about something just give her that half hour of attention she needs so desperately.

Answer 9

Send her a mom card with a personal note in it. They always fall for that and it doesn't cost much.

Answer 10

tell her the chrismas gift you sent her went
to the wrong address