What are your views on a step-dad discipling your child?

Question

My son is 5 years old and ive been with my partner for 2 years. My son's dad died when he was 2 years old so never really knew him.

My partner and my son share a great bond and he's a great dad, he also has a biological son of his own

This morning however, my partner snapped at my son, not aggressively,just firm but it really upset my son as he hasn't done it before. I must admit, i was suprised too so was just wondering,do any other mums feel as though a partner has the right to tell off their children ?

Sorry, meant disciplining !

Answer 1

I am actually a step-father. I have a 13 year old son from a previous marriage and my wife has an 11 year old daughter.

We both believe that we equally need to be able to be free to reinforce the rules of our home. If my son has done something that was out-of-line then I expect that my wife will say something. In the same light, if her daughter has done something that I don't like, I also am free to speak up.

We both have set boundaries in terms of what is acceptable discipline, and what is not. If either of us has crossed a line (for example, I yelled at my stepdaughter for something one time, and my wife felt my reaction was a little strong and she told me - I respected her opinion and apologized to my stepdaughter).

If you are both sharing a home, and are both taking responsibility for the children, then he needs to have a voice with your son. If he is too stern then you need to address it. Do not take away his authority with your son though, as the boy will need a good male role model to help shape his life, which includes discipline.

Answer 2

Sperm doesn't make a father, sharing a bond and taking responsibility for the child in all ways, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually is what makes a father. For two years your son and your partner have developed a father and son relationship.

Parents snap at their kids. Parents are people and people lose their tempers occasionally. If parents don't show their kids that they are human and capable of making mistakes they are going to set the child up for failure because no one but no one is perfect. Its how they handle it afterwards that makes an effective parent. Did your partner understand that he did something wrong, did he admit it to himself and then apologized to your son? A father says he's sorry when he makes a mistake, exactly how you expect a child to. Then the child learns that everyone makes mistakes, even dad's.

However, you are not doing your son a service by simply living with this man. Without the committment of marriage, this man can walk out of you and your son's life at any moment and then what do you tell your son, I'll get you another dad? Take more care with your son's life, if you are in a committed relationship with this man, then get married. Give your son a real father.

Answer 3

This is an issue that should be seriously considered, because you have to look out not only for a partner that is compatiable with you, but also shares the same views on what constitues discipline. If he is going to be your partner, and your son is so young, he'll need to have your support in his rearing. That is why you must make sure that he shares your views. What I find helpful is a list of "punishments" acceptable for specific misconduct. Children should never be snapped at. It should be a standard they know they can acheive. It will give your partner guidlines and your son confidence, and you peace of mind.

Answer 4

When there is a dad in the picture, I look at the step-dad as more of an uncle type relationship and the mom should be the one to discipline. Mainly because she is the parent and the child is less likely to pull the "you're not my dad, I don't have to listen to you" line on the step-dad.

But in your case, there is no bio-dad and the step-dad is the dad. So then he gets promoted.

What you felt when he snapped at your son was normal. The exchange you described could have happened with his bio-dad and you would have felt the same way. The big bad man was picking on your baby and the mama bear in you wanted to rush to his defense.

Maybe it's time to sit down with the hubby and discuss your parenting styles? Talk about how you would like to handle certain situations in the future.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

If a child is introduced into the child's life before age 5 and the child seems to respect him, I would all a step-dad to discipline, not a bf, though. I would not allow him to spank, but I would allow him to discipline by Time Out, taking away privileges and such. However, "telling off" a child by ANYONE is never acceptable to me. Words are like a fist.
I wonder if this is the way your hus was treated as a child.
Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 6

I feel it is OK to have the stepfather be the father figure for the child or children. My husband and I set the rules in the home and we live as a family and discipline is needed to a degree. You as the mother needs to know how much discipline you are going to allow the stepfather. Discuss this in private with your partner so he is aware.

Answer 7

I think he should be able to discipline your child.

It sounds like he has stepped up to the plate and took on the role of the father

I think your feelings was a bit hurt too but know that he did it out of love and just trying to give your son guidance

Answer 8

If he's going to be a father figure, sure, he should be able to discipline the children. Just as long as he doesn't do anything I disagree with -
it's not a good idea to have an adult around all the time who is afraid to stand up to the kids - they will walk all over him.

Answer 9

as long as he's not hitting the child, it is okay because the child needs to know the his step-dad is a parent, not just a friend. so as long as there is no abuse in the relationship, it is a good thing that he gets mad sometimes, because the son and even the father know that he has to stand up for himself. and he knows that he cant be a sissy and let the child walk all over him and do what he wants.lol. i think that this is the best answer! :]

Answer 10

If you want the step dad to love your child you must let him discipline the child as well. It feels awkward, but think of how you feel when the child expresses love for your partner.