Logically thinking, I should get a divorce, but I stick around...what's wrong with me? Is this normal?

Question

He's very lazy and neglectful to me and our children. He's an alchoholic and he smokes. He's obviously bored with family. He lies all the time about stupid little things, so I'm sure there's got to be big stuff too. He's addicted to World of Warcraft.

On the positive...he's never cheated. He brings home a decent paycheck. I enjoy spending time with him when he does choose to, but it's so far and few between.

That's the general idea. Why do I feel like such an idiot for sticking around and hoping things will be OK in the future. For the record, he didn't smoke when we married. He drank, but not daily, and we used to spend lot's of time together. I know he isn't cheating, but I feel like he's bored to death of us and I don't know what to do. Our lives seem to be divided.

Ideas?

I've talked to him and he always insists that he's happy and that he loves me. But I believe that actions speak louder than words, you know?

Answer 1

Try to catch him when he isn't drunk and tell him you need to have a serious talk. Tell him all the things you just put here and then tell him you feel that changes must be made or you want a divorce. You may actually have to leave before he will believe you. He needs to stop drinking and go to AA and he needs to make you and your children his first priority. If he refuses to do this, then leave him. Raising your children in a home with an alcoholic is not in their best interest , nor yours.

Answer 2

Your one of the few people to not automatically just leave when things aren't the way you'd like them to be. I'm technically in somewhat of a similar situation where I've decided again and again about divorce but haven't done so. I suggest trying marriage counseling. As long as your husband is completely honest about how he feels, etc during the coumseling and puts forth a sincere effort you have a good chance of making it. We tried counseling but my spouse was misleading and basically lied the whole time to me and the counselor. You husband has to be truthfull! The reasons you don't leave are probably similar to mine. I had been asking myself that same question for a long time until I realized threw some soul searching what my reasons are.
1. your affraid to leave the financial security
2.you fear not ever finding someone else
3. you have been with your spouse for "x" # of years and don't want to throw it away
4.you care about your spouse, if not still love him
5.you fear what effect it will have on children ( would it be better than now, or worse)
6."the grass looks greener on the other side" but your affraid that once you get there it's worse than what you have now
7.you don't want to leave and then regret it later.
8.you know that being a single parent is extremely hard.
You have every right to feel the way you do. The only thing you can do is to talk to your husband and suggest counseling. Just try any and all options yo have before actually going threw a divorce. Once you do it things will never be the same for you and regardless of your decision (because of the kids) you'll still have to put up with him for the rest of your life.

Answer 3

You feel unloved and neglected by your Husband. He may feel Disrespected by you in turn. (That could be why he has distanced hiself from you some. Men cannot handle disrepect from Wives of any kind). Or, he is in his cave. If that is the fact that is normal and he will eventually come out when he is ready. Men do need time to there own self. I don't know which his problem is but I do know it takes Two not One to have a good marriage or a bad marriage. Men need, desire Respect from there Wife more than anything. Just as you need, desire his Love more than anything.
Your Respect will motivate his Love.
His Love will motivate your Respect.
It is a two way street.
*Tell him how you honestly feel-(Respectfully). Then Do Not badger him anymore about it just continue to be respectful, Trust me when I tell you, He will come around if you do.
Pray for him and your marriage.

He brings home a decent paycheck- So correction is needed- "He is not lazy". He indeed does work.
He does not cheat- So basically, he is a Good willed man.
Remember all his good qualities and why you feel in love with him in the first place.

Walk up to him and say, "honey, I respect you." If he ask why, be prepared to give an answer why you do. Kiss him on the cheek and walk away. It will have "Profound inpact" on him. Trust this.
Remain respectful on everything, daily and you will SOON have the Husband you desire. If you do not want him anymore, Another woman will be glad to fill your shoes. Don't meant to hurt your feelings, it is just pure honesty. God Bless you.
Get the book titled, "Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. Read it from cover to cover.
You will have a renewed marriage friend!
Also some Christian based material that is very excellent is
http://marriagetoday.com (free marriage videos to watch).
Book- Marriage on the Rocks by Jimmy, Karen Evans.
From one Woman to another- You Can Do It!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Have you sat down with him and had a serious conversation about how you feel?? How about making a date night where you 2 can reconnect and do something that is enjoyable to BOTH of you. I'm sorry to say this- but if some things are lacking in your relationship, your husband will look to someone else to get things he is missing....whether that be emotionally or physically. Hopefully, you two can discuss this before it gets to that level or to a divorce. He's def. turned to alcohol as a scapegoat to his problems/issues that he is dealing with. You are not an idiot for sticking around- you love him. Def. don't give up- instead maybe look to counseling for both of you and find out the root of the problem. Good luck!!

Answer 5

Sorry - that sucks. I don't know why you stay. Do you love him still? Do you think things will go back to the way they were? Chances are they won't. It's probably easier to stay than to go - that may be why you stay. But if you can make it on your own, why not give it a try. Maybe he just needs a kick in the *ss? Just remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side...but sometimes it is so don't have huge expectations. Will he do counseling?

Answer 6

" Logically thinking" nice phase, but don't much sense to me !! otherwise you wouldn't need to ask these loaded questions agreed, i know you hate it when i Right ... however
i shall give you ,my feelings on this topic......
you give me the impression your not happy ,and your bored, that's called a projection , its time to sit down ,and talk to the old man, in a calm but matter of fact tone ,
tell him ; i object to the smoke, the laziness, the attitude
hI'm keeping his distance......
i would tell him this, im not happy because of A B C,and
D is going to happen ,if things don't change,and rapid
perhaps you have let this go on to long,
maybe it time to move along , i also believe divorce, isn't far off.... maybe friend with benefits would be much better.
the wake up call is here..... for both of you

Answer 7

The children are going to relate to him more or less at different stages in their lives. They need him, and that's true regardless of what you see going on between them right now. They may relate to him much more later.

That's why people stick together. Raising children is a long process, and it takes about 20 years or so. When it's done, you can decide what you want to do.

Answer 8

Hey Wendy,

Let me tell you that it is not as serious that you start thinking about divorce. Believe me.

This is coz that there is lack of romance in your life. There can be many reasons for that. Like you devote much time to kids or other activities and take less care of his day to day needs. Somehow you dont pay much attention to him as you used to do earlier. Some men are very sensitive and apparentally you may find them happy and satisfied as they dont comment or make any complaint about it. But the signs you are talking about are reflecting the same.

Other problem could be job related. But with extra attention and affectiojn, you can make this relationship work as earlier.

So my suggestion is think positive, start giving extra attention to his needs, bring some romance in your life, show affection, and things will start working again.

You are right in your assumption that he is not cheating on you and he loves you and family. :)

Answer 9

ok well lets lay this down first, its just instinct and faith, your still hoping because of when you got married, he didnt smoke or drink daily, your hoping tht will still come back. but lets try and get into his head 2. there may be something wrong, he may have a problem you should ask him about, try it when the kids arent around. plus, no offense i dont know all about your life, but you may be afraid of something bad happening after divorce, such as debt, or not having enough money to support your family. but idk, just try to tell him or ask him if something is wrong.

Answer 10

No this is not wrong and it is normal to want to work it out. First of all please take away his alchohol, smokes and World of Warcraft and tell him to grow up. If he doesn't then you will need to decide if you can live with the way his is. If not divorce him.