Serious family issues, what should I do?

Question

My mom and I just had a really bad falling out. I told her that I don't like it when she lavishes too much attention on me and that I can't deal with the emotional baggage she dumps on me. She started crying and screaming and talking about how she wanted to die because she had a bad day at work and now everyone at home was being mean to her. I told her I love her and care about her but sometimes she does things that are just outrageous and I can't deal with it, so I end up avoiding her. I told her that I didn't know how to show that I loved her because everytime I do she just dumps more burdens on me. She is too needy and never gets out of the house, and I suggested she go try a new hobby and meet some people. She wouldn't stop crying and acting like I was being disrespectful and mean. She kept saying "You don't love me, I can't feel it" and "How do I know when to talk to you and when not to?"

She just has no boundaries and tells me things that I as her daughter just can't handle. This relationship is seriously unhealthy.

Someone I know has asked me to move in with them, and I've seriously thought about it, but the problem is they want me to pay rent and I just can't afford to. I don't know what to do now.

What can I say to get my mother to understand how I feel?

Should I move out and try to cough up rent?

I'm eighteen now

Answer 1

You're going to have to sit down with her and talk to her straight up, one on one. Set the boundaries for the talk before it begins - tell her you have things you need to say and she needs to just listen to you and try to understand and not get offended or jump to conclusions about what you say. Tell her she can ask you questions or say what she wants when you are done talking, but ONLY WHEN YOU ARE DONE TALKING - now is her time to listen, not talk. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you know she needs someone to talk to, and that you're willing to listen to her, but that some things she tells you are NOT for a mother to tell a daughter. Let her know that it really hurts you and gets you down when she says things like that you don't love her - you do love her, you wouldn't listen to her and be there for her otherwise. It sounds like she probably wants you to listen to her, but she doesn't listen to you too much...let her know that she's got to be there for you just as you are there for her - SHE is the mother and YOU are the daughter, not the other way around! Let her know you will be there for her, but that the things she says are affecting you, as well, and are causing you a great deal of psychological distress.

Most important of all..you MUST let her know that these things are negatively affecting her relationship with you, to the point that you feel you must get away from her. Let her know you are considering moving out of the house.

Hopefully...hopefully she'll care, and she'll listen to what you have to say. If she doesn't...then you'll have to take up your friend on the offer of moving in with them. You can't continue to stay in this situation. You MUST take care of yourself.

Good luck, I will be praying for you.

Answer 2

I don't know how old you are, so I can't tell you if you should consider moving out or not.

What I do suggest is getting a family counselor. Even if your mom won't go at first, go yourself. That person can help guide you in the right direction and help you to deal with this. Hopefully, mom will eventually go too and be able to vent her frustrations appropriately.

God bless.

Answer 3

I believe in the almighty God. I know that you love your mom or you wouldn't be on here for a resolution. Are you a religious person? I want you to go down in prayer for your mom. Also, do you have a church home? There should be counselors there that can be of assistance. What things does your mom like to to do? Try to get into some fun activites with your mom? Most important thing to do, is listen. Communicate back and forth and feel each other out to get a better perspective of your thoughts. As far as moving, it's really expensive out here and I hope you have a good paying job. Do you have a good relationship with the person you're planning to move in with? You don't want to fall into the same situation you're in right now. My point is, you only have one mother and see what you can do to help her. I wish you luck. God Bless and let the Lord run your life.

Answer 4

Are there any other family members that know the situation or to whom you can explain it to that can help? If she won't seek counseling herself......she needs some encouragement from other family members. You know as well as I that she needs to act like your mother....not a friend from work or school. SHE needs to take responsibility for herself and not burden you with her problems. Now.....if SHE won't go for counseling.....maybe YOU could talk to a professional to see what they think you can do to help the situation and to get out from under her thumb. Maybe someone that specializes in family issues?? You may have to call around to see who you could possibly afford. The way she feels now....I'm sure if you told her of the offer you got to move in with someone else she'd say go ahead and then it would backfire because you couldn't really afford to move out.

I wish you luck with this situation and hopefully you can find someone to talk to.

Answer 5

Dont move out! Take your mom out pack a lunch and take her to the park out in the air and in a low calm voice ask her what is going on becuase it sounds like she is depressed and ask her if she wants that you would go to therapy with her it sounds like something is going on in her life and the only way of expressing it is through yelling and crying also try to get home before she does from school or were ever you are and clean the house up do her laundry offer to cook dinner and offer to do her nails and hair just to help relax her hopefully this helps God bless remember all things are possible with chirst our savior.

Answer 6

Truely you are all she has. You are going to have a growing up experience and the load is not going to be light.
You move out and i would be afraid of what would happen.
She wants the attention she shows to you.
Paste a smile on your face and use the judgment showing in your cry for help.
I would not run away it would solve nothing.
I will say a prayer for you.

Answer 7

Your mother is having a hard time letting go of her little girl. She feels like shes losing her baby, But she just needs to realize that your growing up. Just reassure her that you'll always be her daughter and that she'll never lose you. just talk to her about how your growing up and you don't all of this extra attention.

Answer 8

There's nothing you can say to change her. You made your point, and it sounds like you made it well, the rest is up to her. It sounds like she's incredibly manipulative. You'll have to deal with it until you move out, and even then, my guess is she'll make your life miserable by dumping on you over the phone.

Answer 9

I have the same types of fights with my mom. Be as nice to her as you can. Avoid her as often as possible. When you see someone less, you appreciate them more.

Answer 10

let me guess, your mother tells you things like......."you're my best friend" yada yada yada?

um, sad thing is-- you probably are. and you're right, it is unhealthy and unfortunately alot of parents, mostly mothers make that mistake. you seem to be well within your right to ask for space.

i bet she's a single mother, and you're the oldest. i suggest you speak to one of your mother's siblings or even her mother/father. unfortunately, she wont respond well to constructive criticism coming from her child, perhaps if an objective 3rd party speaks to her, she will respond to it.