How do I know if my husband and I need marriage counseling?

Question

I am a 47 year old female and have been married to the same man for almost 21 years. It seems that lately he is easily agitated, has no patience for our 2 boys (ages 15 and 11) and critiques everything we say and/or do. He tends to "bark" orders at us instead of calmly communicating. He has a bit of OCD (changes clothes 2 or 3x before leaving the house), goes back into the house several times for no reason before leaving, constantly sniffles, etc...He seems to only want to do what he wants to do and makes us all feel guilty if we differ from his interests. I don't know if this a mid-life crisis issue but it's becoming more and more difficult to be around him. When he drinks alcohol, he can't seem to know when to stop and usually ends up ridiculously drunk and does the stupidest things. When I try to discuss with him he instantaneously gets agitated and claims that I want to start a fight which is NOT the case. Please help...it's getting harder and harder by the day...

Answer 1

It sounds to me like you suspect drug use?(constantly sniffles). If he has gone through this sudden change I'd say he needs some help from something. try talking to him about what's going on and tell him how his recent behavior has you and your kids concerned. you may want to seek counseling on your own before involving him.

Answer 2

anybody that manipulaive and disrespectful torwards the mother of their child in there presence can also turn violent. With that in mind you have to keep your daughter as your best intrest. The last thing you want to do is anger someone that can be violent and tempermental. By all means, if you think you should leave, then leave, but you need to think about an exit plan that he won't see coming. For one, dont argue with him, play him at his own game, become the perfect wife. Go to counseling with him and actually participate, that way he can't use that against you. Start seperating some money to help you make it without him, and make sure he dosent have access to it or know about it. Then one day, take off work early have the papers drawn up and on the table and your things already moved out before he gets home. Be adamant about having him sign the divorce papers, take your daughter and scadaddle. In the mean time start documenting his disrespectful acts in front of your daughter, even get family members that you can trust to sign affidatas that witness these acts. It can help during custody. Also if your daughter has already witnessed some of his acts you may want to signher up for child counseling too. It can only help.

Answer 3

After reading what you said, this reminds me of quite a few people I've studied. Is there a possibility that he is doing drugs, perhaps Crystal meth?

Crystal meth users become very agitated with the slightest things; they constantly have to be neat, clean, and have things in order; such as vacuuming in the middle of the night or constantly organizing things; they typically have intense OCD.

They are constantly sniffing through their nose (breathing in), and not to mention lose a ton of weight and develop poor skin.

Accompanying the drugs is typically excessive alcohol use.

The best thing to do is to sit down with him when he's relaxed and calm, perhaps when the kids aren't in the same room and talk to him. Tell him you want things to be "good" again. Don't accuse him of anything, because it will just get him angry. Just be cautious and watch out for your safety. If he begins to get physically violent, it's time to have someone else or other people intervene.

Answer 4

It might be a good idea for you to talk to his doctor, tell him these things, and see if the doc feels there may be an organic or physical cause for what is happening. If you can get your husband in for a complete physical and interview with the doctor, you can either know it or rule out a physical cause.

I say this because you used the word "lately" - meaning that these things have not been longstanding traits. His symptoms, appearing like this rather suddenly, might indicate something physically amiss with him, and emotional problems build gradually rather than quickly like this.

You've been married to him 21 years, you have children, and you have the right to insist on this. Surely he will recognize his responsibility to get his health checked for his family's welfare and peace of mind.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You don't need marraige counseling-enless you or your husband can't communicate.
If you guys can sit down and talk-then u should do just that.
But since u two have been married so long, well maybe he's just getting tired of the barriers. It seems so if he's losing more patience and such.
On the negative side, marriage is all about barriers, and sins, and set backs, and rules...where's the real freedom? Where's your real control over you?

Answer 6

If this is a rapid and recent change that is markedly different from normal behavior and he is around your age, he definitely needs to see a doctor. This sounds like the behavior that a man I was dating began to display recently. He changed over a two month period into a man I did not recognize. Going from a lively, fun-loving and polite man to a snapping and snarling egomaniac. I confronted him and he claimed it was depression and that he had had episodes before. That may be so, but I now believe he may have a form of bipolar disorder.
Whatever it is, your husband needs help. Run don't walk to his medical doctor for advice, drag him if you have to.

Answer 7

I've been sober for a number of years, but I am a hardcore alcoholic/drug abuser at heart.
You typically can't reason with a practicing problem alcoholic/drug abuser, they are in an altered state. They care more about the alcohol/drug than anything else...it's a fact.
I had to be intervened on, maybe you husband needs an intervention as well.

Your kids are the priority here, not your husband.

Answer 8

Sometimes the worst time to communicate with someone is when they are drinking. Then again, they could always use that as an excuse to drink cause you have differences. If yo are getting frustrated and it is having an effect on your kids, it's time for counseling. If he doesn't want to participate, that only goes to show how much he loves you.

Answer 9

are you sure that he isn't sniffing cocaine, this is how my husband acted after his high, before he got a chance to get some more that day, also jumpy and nervous, they sell home drug tests at most drug stores and walmart, they use urine, a complete profile that will tell you what they are using how much, when it started, and a regular time line is a hair follicle test, i don't know how much it is but it will tell you alot, as hair grows at a pretty standard rate every month, oh and to answer your original question, i think you already know the answer to that, if you ever question if conseling is needed usually it is

Answer 10

Its time for help but he wont go for it.You can try a diffrent step and let him do most of the talking and just listen.He is at the right age for the change so you might just have to ride it out for a while.You can talk to a counsel your self but I wouldnt tell him.Good luck.