Help , is this it for our marriage ?

Question

My wife and I of over 16 years , have been going to counseling.
She says it was a build up over the years and now has developed a hatred to me. We have 2 young sons ( 9& 13) and she says "they'll be okay" , ( they may be or not ), I can not bear the thought of not being with them
I have done everything to try to make things better , but she can not live like this! She says she is tired of being mean to me , I told her she does not have to be , she says she can't help it. She does not want to go in the same car to councelling , she does not really want to go , cause she will cry the whole time. She does love the kids , but not me . I have several questions here but mostly confused , and advice is appreciated , additionally if we do get divorced , there will be only debt , and probably no more decent house for our boys , why can't she change her mind ?
I have never cheated , always provided , and never abused her.

Answer 1

Let her go, if it's meant to be u'll find ur way back to each other! As much as it will hurt, u don't want her to be there if she's not happy!

Answer 2

I think your wife is wrong. Your sons will not be 'okay' if yall divorce. You are right for wanting to stay with them. Especially now in this very crucial time in their lives. Adolescence is the most difficult part of a person's life. Your boys need you and she to be there.

Perhaps through the counselor you and your wife can work out an agreement where your shared goal is not a perfect marriage, but rather is a healthy environment for your boys.

Being a good parent means modeling adult behavior. That includes constructive problem solving. Running away from problems (like your wife is trying to do) teaches your boys the wrong message.

Maybe this means you keep separate bedrooms but still live in the same house. Maybe this means she gets a job and starts earning her own way. Maybe she takes a painting class so she can have a new creative outlet.

I don't know what issues she has; but look for an agreement can be worked out that all parties can live with for a while. Make peace while the boys are finishing their growing up. Then revisit the relationship and see if there is anything there to save. Best of luck

Answer 3

I hope it's not the end for your marriage, Thats sad. Although there have been times that I have ready to bail myself, there is still a love and appreciation there for his hard work and loyalty to our family we have been married for only half that ammount of time, and there are times i'm scared of it going in that direction not because of cheating or not being a good provider but because of his selfishness, I spend most of my time with our 3 children by my self he's there sometimes, but i feel very alone still sometimes I wonder if your working so hard to provide had maybe left her in the same situation. You know, maybe the sadness and lonliness has led to anger and resentment because most men go and do what ever they want..... but the wifes have to bear most of the responsibility with the children even though mine will not admit that. Maybe 16 years of little things has caught up with you. That might be hard to pick apart. Does she ever say why she hates you so bad? Is she depressed? Is there maybe something you have overlooked? I'm sure you have probably told her over the years you would change, but she probably does not want to believe that anymore. I'm afraid your at the action stage now, You'll probably have to show some you have changed instead of just talking now. If there is any hope. Sorry. I wish you two luck.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, it takes two to repair a marriage. Even though you may want it to work with all your heart, nothing will come of it if she doesn't want to. If you are 100% that you have exhausted all resources and she really and TRULY doesn't want your marriage to work, then it may be the time to at least separate. I'm a firm believer that you need to try with all your might to make a marriage work before divorcing, but some couples don't have any other place to go.

Sit down with her and ask her if she really and honestly wants this marriage to end. Tell her how you feel. Open up completely. If she simply won't budge on wanting to fix things, discuss the possibilities.

You love your boys, I know. Divorce and separation is not easy in the least for anyone, but if that is the only way to go, start preparing yourselves and your boys for it. Think thoroughly about how the arrangements will be. Would you split custody? Who keeps the house? Is your wife willing to have a relationship with you in that you can spend holidays together not as a couple, but as a mother and father to your children? I know some divorced couples that still come together during special times for their children. Most of them are friends.

I wish you the best of luck... try not to give up yet until you've exhausted ALL of your resources. Isn't the counselor doing anything for you? Is she or he telling you what to do or what?

Answer 5

This does not have to be the end of your marriage, but some things will have to change. First, whatever caused her change of heart must be explored. She can do this with any competent therapist for the most part. Second, you will have to have Patience. It takes time to sort things out. It takes time to break old habits. She must have patience too. You both have to be honest and willing to change, compromise, and generally willing to make the effort. As for the children, let them know that it's a problem between you and your wife. Don't try to enlist their sympathy and support. It's not their problem and they don't need to choose sides. As for the assets, they'll be gone soon if you can't work something out. Perhaps you could fix up the garage or a room with a separate entrance so you can both live at your current residence without keeping up the tension. Be practical, but don't say that to your wife. You and she can make adjustments and try to work things out. Ask her to consider what adjustments can be made while you're working things out so that your kids won't suffer for mistakes their parents made. You might also find out where you went wrong, but that's based on what she expected when you married.

Answer 6

I was married for 10 years and together for 17. I fell out of love with my ex due to gambling issues, however people can fall out of love for no apparent reason (life and interests change). My three kids, under the age of 10 have done relatively well so far, given the circumstances. From my husband's point of view it was not good to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids; I came to the realization as well. He is still in love after being apart for a year and half, but we both know it is not longer in the cards for us. I hate to say it, but I think the time has come to end it. The house is a house; maybe she'll be able to stay...we lost ours and it was tough, but decent shelter and the necessities are all that matter. It's hard to be apart from the family, but it's also hard to stay in it and have the children witness it. You will be fine in the long run, I'm sure. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

I am suspicious of your wife - she does not want to go to counseling, because she will cry the whole time?!! Sounds very manipulative. A good counselor usually finds that there are two sides to every story - she, however, is not participating, and has basically already checked out. She could have said something long before; didn't have to let it get to this point. I think it is over, though. I'm sorry. But your kids will still be okay, at least they won't be living with a lie.

Answer 8

Stop whining and wringing your hands around her. It will drive her further away. The ones who want to leave can't handle that kind of stuff at all. you need to do something completely different.
Try these two forums instead. Both are about either saving yourself or/and trying to save your marriage on your own.

Your wife could very well have hit some kind of midlife crisis but doesn't realize it.l They rarely do. They just feel something is missing from their lives and decide it must be the marriage. the bottom two resources are the same website, but one is for an e-book and the second is the forums. Royce's forum is a good one to help you figure out what you should or shouldn't do to enable your wife's issues.
Good luck

Answer 9

There is a lot more to this story... that you're not telling us, or she's not telling you.

All I can say is... be honest, strong. Don't do/say stupid **** that you'll regret later. Try to keep a level head. Be prepared for any outcome.... You must be able to accept each of these outcomes.

Somewhere in this mess, there is a chance that your relationship will survive and evolve into something stronger...

But it won't happen without her contributing 50% of the effort.

If she doesn't love you anymore, if she thinks she never will... she is BSing herself. Love is a decision. And not loving is also a decision. She may hide behind "I don't love you anymore but I can't help it," in which case she's either manipulative, or not very introspective.

If in the end it's clear the marriage is done... if she has stopped loving you for good, you make her know that it's her *decision* and that she's not getting pity from you. But also that she's not getting any anger from you. No emotions from you, period. Cut off. But you be polite. That's my take.

You may consider printing this out and showing her all these responses...

Answer 10

I know that you are looking for "the" answer but, the two of you are the only ones that can do this! But, for the sake of it I will say that me and my husband went through a lot of stuff that I won't go into but, I felt that way! I just couldn't get past it and had to be away from him, I had no contact what so ever with him for 1 year!!! (we did not have children together, I had 2 girls and he had 1 girl, all from previous relationships) And I bumped into him one day right before x-mas and we talked and within 2 months me and my girls moved back in and it was almost like all that "baggage" was just gone or we didn't care anymore, whatever it was it worked for us and we are still together and very happy! Our relationship is totally different now, we realized that we both had faults and that we could look past them! Now that is a little harder with you having kids but maybe a little time apart will be good for you! Every relationship is different so it might not mean much but I wish the best for you and you family!! Hopefully she will learn how to get past things and love again!! Good Luck!!

Answer 11

Geesh, I feel terrible for your situation. I can only offer what I can, because I am a woman also. I know personally a lot of women hold inside all of the stuff that they got mad at you for through the years. It becomes a big sack of poison garbage in her stomach. She probably has been carrying it around a long time thinking that when the boys were old enough, she could leave. Her feelings didn't accumulate overnight, and it would take a long time to unbury all of them, but I might be possible if she'll get counseling with you. Let her go by herself for a while. Give her some space in her mind to work it out. I hope the best for both of you and your boys!