I caught my husband on a site where people can find, basically, prostitutes. I have caught him before but he always claims it is just out of curiousity. When I confronted him this time he told me that he needed to sleep woth other women. He explained that he is a man and men are meant to "spread their seed". I am devistated. We have only been married 2 years and he mentioned this when we first started dating 7 years ago. I made him very aware that I would not accept that. He is claiming that he loves me but cannot be with just me anymore. He said it is affecting his mental state as he feels trapped living a life that is not meant for him. I do not know what to do. Do I pack his stuff and say goodbye? I am heartbroken. I love him so much. Is there anyone else out there that has faced this? He said that he wants to do this civilly and always wants to be here for me. What is that for? If he doesn't want me, if I am not enough, then why would he still want me in his life? I am lost.
2007-12-27 08:21:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He wants to have his cake (you) and sample all the other deserts out there too! I can't say I blame him for wanting that, but it is up to you to take action because he will take any inaction as permission.
If he is miserable in the current situation then you will end up being miserable also. He wants you there to fall back on as his home base. If you can accept that then you better be prepared for some big changes.
I sense that you are NOT willing to go along with that even if you do love him. Therefore, only one solution is available to you. End the marriage and both of you can move on to relationships that suit you.
Good luck!
2007-12-27 08:56:28 · answer #1 · answered by steveheremd 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious he's not going to change, which is what you want. So what would be the point of staying with him. If you stay, you are basically saying it's okay and I'll settle for this. But you won't. If you stay, you basically forgive and forget, however, you will never forget and it will always be in the back of your mind. So even if your relationship does get a little better, you will always be thinking the worse, which will eventually destruct your marriage.
I would say give him a taste of his own medicine but as a woman I doubt you'd be able to be as heartless as a man. I would at least act like i'm going out with someone else and if he says anything just be like, "well we're in an open relationship, so what's the problem?" He'll probably be like "open relationship, since when?" Well then you just have to let him know, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." You should even drop his own line, "I need to spread my seeds, right?" You should do this only if you are up to play a little bit of games to see if you alter his way of being. I would also start putting up like chat blogs up just for him to see and as soon as you see him coming, closing them as if it were a secret. There are many games you can play to put your man on check. Or you can do the best thing to do, is leave him. He'll only realize what he had when it's gone. But by that time, it will be too late. Decisions yours. Can you afford to leave him? I would.
2007-12-27 08:51:28 · answer #2 · answered by Rica 82 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Though some people may try to tell you otherwise, he may very well still feel love for you. I think men (and I am a man) compartmentalize their feelings more than women, in general. It seems easier for men to separate emotional closeness from lust than it is for women. He may feel one way toward these other women, but something totally different towards you. That does not, by the way, reflect on you at all. It doesn't mean that you are unattractive or not good enough. Some people have a taste for self-destruction or depravity. That may be the case with him. If he wants to leave, then let him leave. He will probably find that the life he craves leaves him feeling hollow and regretful of the pain he has caused others, but it is a lesson he will have to learn himself. As for you leaving him, I'm in no position to judge people, so I won't put him down or say anyone deserves better than anyone else, but I will say that you deserve to be happy. And from what you have said, it does not sound like you could be happy with the kind of arrangement he wants.
2007-12-27 08:47:56 · answer #3 · answered by burdenofdreams 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I can't and don't want to imagine what that must feel like. I know I would be devastated if my boyfriend ever said that to me. Again, I am so sorry!
It feels weird giving this advice to someone I don't know, but based on your question I would say this marriage is over. Even though you love him and want to be with him, he has already checked out. A marriage takes two people and both people have to be completely committed and willing to work. He has already made it clear he isn't as serious about this marriage as you are. If he was, he would never even think to sleep with other women. It would be totally unfair to YOU to stay in this marriage and let him sleep with other women. I don't know if you have children or not, but I think a divorce is in order. Before you do anything though, contact a lawyer. Find out what your options and rights are before you do anything. That way you can decide if you want the house, cars, custody of any children you may have and so on. Personally, I think you should kick him out and keep your house/apartment. Just my opinion though.
My heart goes out to you sweetie. Your heart must be in a million pieces right now. Just remember, you deserve better then this. You deserve someone who loves you and only you. Someone who will be loyal and committed to you and your relationship. As much as you love him, he just isn't that person.
Love and hugs to you.
-Brit
2007-12-27 08:52:02 · answer #4 · answered by Positively Pink 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Scum bag! wtf! u need to dump his ***! that is a messed up definition he has of marriage. Hes immature for not being a man and excepting the responsibilities that come with marriage. He needs to change his mindset. Marriage is between 1 man and 1 women and if he does not realize that then he shouldnt be married and should have never been married in the first place. Does he hav a consience? how could he do and say that to you. Adultery is devastating... im so sorry for you. That "spread their seed" crap is bullshit. . .Are we animals? Yea well your a women and are supposed to have babies but that doesnt mean your gunna go get impregnated by as many men as possible and have a hundred babies. He feels trapped? so finding someone you truly love and spending the rest of your life with them makes him feel trapped? yea that sounds horrible. . . NOT! He is being so selfish! If he loved you he wouldnt be doing this...i dont understand how he could hurt you and break your heart if he loves you all because of sex! Im sry i am only 18 so maybe i dont know what im talking about but things like this make me scared to get married. Is sex really that great? All i hear about is adultery in marriages. He probobly wants you in his life for assurance. Nobody wants to die alone. He can be a single male hore for only so long.
2007-12-27 08:48:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pack him up and send him out. You have known this for 9 yrs and he hasn't changed. I don't really think you want to stay with a man who wants to sleep with other women whether he claims he loves you or not. That would be devastating on a daily basis. You aren't lost. You've been given a heads up at least about what he will be doing so you need to toss him and find someone who respects you and your vows.
2007-12-27 08:45:44 · answer #6 · answered by dawnb 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
While you do not mention whether children are involved - you NEED to go and talk to a GOOD lawyer.
It is very obvious that your husband has ZERO integrity and has not grown up ( he needs to sow his seed??????)
The honest truth , if you want the opinion of an old fart, is that the faster and further you get away from this man the better off you will be.
You need to get some serious counselling and find out WHY your self esteem can be SO very low that you would ever be attracted to someone who is such a loser in the first place.
It is mind boggling to me that he "mentioned this 7 years ago" and alarm bells never went off in your head?????
Good luck and God Bless You my dear ----- BTW you NEED to go to a Doctor and get tested for HIV to make sure you are okay.
2007-12-27 08:40:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear about this. How very sad..!
I think your husband is very selfish. He is telling you he loves you, but in truth he doesn't. What he is saying is that he wants you to let him do as he pleases, while you remain married- and faithful to him, of course. He is the one who gets to fool around in order to "feel happy" while you have to "grin and bear it".
This is NOT what a healthy marriage is about...and you know it. You are right in feeling sad since you love him; but I really think that you should consider leaving him and moving on with your life. You deserve a good, decent man you can trust...
Please understand you have done nothing wrong. HE is the one who has serious issues and who should go to therapy in order to find out why he feels he needs to go around sleeping with other women.
You will be in my prayers. Please consider asking your family for support and try to go to counseling, so you can deal with your feelings. Good luck!
2007-12-27 08:46:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly ask him why he's lost. What did he expect when he entered the relationship? All is not lost. Is your sex life all that YOU want it to be. Sometimes men are afraid to say what they think. Maybe try being someone else for him, dress differently, change your make up - dress up as a dominatrix, do something you normally wouldnt do. Sounds like he is bored and needs the sex to be spiced up. Sometimes a 3-some might help. What ever you do, you need to talk to a professional. Dont give up on 7 years, only the weak walk away. Stand up and fight for what you have and be sympathetic to his needs as he will respond to you if you show a level of understanding. Its a hard road but sometimes the hardest road is the only road to take. All the best to you, I hope you find the strength to get through it
2007-12-27 08:33:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sorry, but if he is serious about this then you should leave him. You deserve someone who is going to be faithful to you. It sounds like he is not taking your marriage very seriously. What a jerk using the "man" excuse! Not all men are like that. Most can be satisfied with one woman, it's called making a committment!! Obvioulsy he knows nothing about. If he truly loved you, you would be enough!
2007-12-27 08:36:46 · answer #10 · answered by faith 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋