How do I get my new husband to help more around the house? We have been together for 8 years (married 4mo.) and it has always been me doing the housework. We both work full time & he gets home before me by 3 hours. Every night I come home to a sink full of dishes, laundry and no dinner. Sometimes he is asleep on the couch!! I get home at 6, do the dishes and cook dinner EVERY night and I don't sit down till 8 or 9. I understand he is tired, but so am I! I feel like I should not have to ask, that we should both carry the housework evenly. I am starting to get annoyed and taken for granted.
2007-12-27 05:35:35 · 50 answers · asked by RED CHIC 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Listen, don't pay attention to the people saying to cut off sex or threaten to kick him out. The fact is, you've conditioned him to be this way by doing it for the last 8 years...
But you've only been married for 4 months, so you don't want to start off by playing games with sex being taken away. You have to tell him. Tell him that you don't feel like you should have to tell him this, but you understand he is not a mind reader. Say what you said to us here.
He gets home 3 hours before you, he could at LEAST wash the dishes so you can cook when you get home. If you have the clothes separated, he can throw them in the wash, wash the dishes, then throw them in the dryer when the dishes are done. When you get home you will cook and do the folding of the laundry. Let him know that you aren't trying to be a slave driver, but you don't want the short end of the stick...
Say something like you are trying to start the marriage off on the right foot and you don't want to make assumptions and expectations of him without him knowing how you are feeling. AFTER THAT, if he still doesn't do it , he knows how you feel and is just not doing it, knowing he is wrong.
There is nothing wrong with compromise... Make him think he came up with the idea... Say something like, instead of expecting you to do the dishes, cook and wash the laundry before I get home, how about we split it, so it doesn't all fall on you...I can do this this and this, and you can do this this and this... See? It makes it seem like you're taking a load off of him, but it's all for you... I hope you can work through it!
Good luck!
2007-12-27 06:00:11 · answer #1 · answered by krikit96 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well if you've been doing this for eight years, don't expect him to have a revelation the next day and do the laundry. If you want to change the way things are, you have to sit down with him and tell him that you are feeling overworked and don't think you can keep up doing all the housework. Try not to phrase it as an accusation, but rather you just sharing how you feel. Then ask him what he thinks is fair. Also point out that you don't want him to do all the work, just enough that you can feel like you don't have to do everything.
One warning, however. If it has been this way for years, even if your husband is willing, it will likely take some time to break bad habits. Try and be patient and reward him with kind words when he does help out rather than nag if he forgets, one gentle reminder should be enough.
2007-12-27 05:44:42 · answer #2 · answered by Maitiu O 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the married life!!
I have three children - ages 2.5 and 14 ( yes twins ). I run a home daycare where the ages of children range from 6 months to 4 yrs old. I am not a babysitter - the only time I am sitting is at lunch. I have a schedule for them that we stick to and none of it consists of them being alone. Therefore my household work gets done at the end of my day.
I do the laundry - cook / clean the entire house - shopping etc. And I pick up all the little annoying messes they make every 5 minutes. My husband has 2 days off every other 2 or 3 and he does pretty much nothing on those days. I do not get a day off - ever
If it is a huge deal to you, you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Ask him to help even if it is a little bit. I have learned to pick my battles over the years, I have lived with my husband for almost 8 years and while 90% of the time he does nothing around the house - when he realizes I am losing it because I cannot keep up then he decides to help " a little "
Communication is key - if you cannot talk to your husband about something as little as this - then you have huge problems with your marriage :(
2007-12-27 05:43:03 · answer #3 · answered by chasetwins05 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to feel annoyed and taken for granted! I have the same problem and if weren't for raising children together I would move and get my own place! We have discussed this many many times but things do not change. Since he has never done everything himself completely having to do with the work that goes into maintaining a house he thinks that doing a load of laundry once a month or loading the dishwasher once in a great while is enough. He just doesn't want to do it and really has by his actions refused to do it. He should really just be honest and tell me NO I will NOT do housework unless you NAG me so that we both feel bad!
Yes, I will also be looking for others answers to this great question.
2007-12-27 05:45:18 · answer #4 · answered by Libby 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a husband who works full time (and travels) and we have 2 kids, so there is plenty going on besides housework, but I do help out quite a bit around the house.
The way that we do it is, we made a list of all of the housework and we assigned them all based on who either liked to do it or disliked it the least.
We ended up with my doing all of the strenuous tasks (mopping, lawn work, car maintenance, washing the dogs, trash take out, bathing the kids) and she does the more frequent tasks (laundry, dishes, ironing) since I'm not always around.
I think that if you show him a list of all that it is that you do, it may open his eyes to how lazy he's been without you saying it and he should WANT to pitch in and help.
Good luck and hope you get some time on the couch too!
2007-12-27 05:43:18 · answer #5 · answered by brandonjhoff 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's been 8 years - I'm sure you've tried the silent treatment and being nice - he's learned to outlast you.
You are going to have to go ballistic.
Make it a deal breaker. Blah, blah, blah, tired is not an excuse - do you really think you'd be able to use that if you got home 3 hours before him?
Be very specific with exactly what you want done - or you will leave because life is too short for this. He may back slide once or twice later - just to see if he can outlast you again and go back to his old lazy ways - so be prepared to throw a fit at the very first sign of this.
2007-12-27 05:44:01 · answer #6 · answered by Stan W 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, then you should talk to him. Do not take it for granted that He is a mind reader. Ask him to help with the housework. If he refuses, then start doing your own laundry and don't do his. Cook yourself a meal and don't cook for him. Basically do for yourself until he understands that it is going to take two people to do the work. Do speak to him first and tell him how you feel though. You can't expect him to know if you don't tell him. I mean, come on... you have been together a long time... you should be able to talk to him about this issue. (Especially if you are becoming resentful- that needs to be resolved or the marriage won't work)
2007-12-27 05:41:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him about it in a serious, calm manner. Explain that you are a little overwhelmed and you need some help. Then when he does help, make sure to praise him and tell him what a good job he did (yeah, just like a kid). Try not to nag. With my husband, I give him a choice so he thinks he's making the decision rather than me telling him to do something. I'll say you can fold to laundry or do the dishes. It usually works. He may not get up and do it the second I want him to, but eventually he does.
2007-12-27 05:41:51 · answer #8 · answered by PhantomRN 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him and ask him to help while you 2 chat. My husband and I talk while we do dishes or other work. Make it couple time but don't make a big deal out of it with him.
Also sometimes if you really look [call around] some cleaning ladies can come in and help that will cut it way down. Some are pretty cheap!
Also use disposable dishes, get some stuff you can warm up and serve for dinner. If anything is said say"your tired" and maybe he will start helping out for his regular dinners again :)
2007-12-27 05:39:59 · answer #9 · answered by Ann 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My husband and i use to do housework together but now all he does is sit and watch tv or is on the computer constanly. He has not done any house work for a long time. The only time he cleaned since we moved and was unpacked is when maintenance came over to fix something
i need help with this question too
good luck
2007-12-27 05:39:20 · answer #10 · answered by jamieloves31 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋