College first or kids first?

Question

I'm 23 and am planning on going to college two years from now. (I'm moving and I want to get resident tuition so I'm waiting a year before I enroll). Anyway, my husband wants to wait until I graduate before we start a family but I plan on getting a doctorate (Psychology-- and yes I can-- I don't need the rubbish saying it's hard and I won't be able to-- that's not the question) and I'll be at least 35 before I do. I think that's a little late to have children and besides-- it's gonna be hard to try and NOT have a kid during the 10 years I'm in school. Anyone have a similar dilemma? I want to have a family and a career that pays well but I don't want to work for a company-- which is why I'd be a Psychologist and set my own hours. Is it possible to juggle everything all at once: my marriage, school, a career, kids? Serious answers please.

Answer 1

You are asking a very intelligent question. I used to feel differently about this, but now that I'm older, I've changed my tune. I think that you should have a child, now, while you are waiting to get started on college. You are young, healthy and strong, and you will be juggling work and a baby, instead of work, school (for a decade) and a baby.

Health-wise, everyone is different, but having a baby is a major physical undertaking, and caring for a newborn is exhausting, under the best of circumstances. You will recover so much faster now, then you will in your late 30's.

There is also the factor no one likes to discuss, but nevertheless is a huge aspect - will you be able to have a baby? Lots of young women swing through their 20's, thinking they will start having a family in their 30's, only to discover that they can't, for various reasons. Then, they either have to begin the expensive and difficult insemination process, or try to adopt, with their biological clock ticking all the while.

You don't know what is going to happen with your husband - you two may not even be together, by the time you are finished with your doctorate. I'm sorry to say that, but there is at least a 50% chance that you may divorce. So, then what? You let him decide when you were going to have children, you didn't have any, you are divorced and you have to find another guy who wants children, except now you are 35...

Do it, now. If you had a baby next year, he or she would be 10 or 11 by the time you earned your doctorate. You sound very determined, and you won't let anything stop you getting your education. You need to impress that upon your husband. I question how into children any guy is, who wants to wait a decade or longer of marriage, before even starting a family.

If you decide to have another child, you could either do so quickly after your first, and get all the struggle out of the way sooner rather than later, or you could wait until you have your doctorate and got your business set up. You would still be young enough, and your first would be a big help as a proud older sibling, and would be old enough to do bottles and changes. The age difference doesn't have to be a big deal.
Siblings are fantastic at working out their own relationships.

You have a plan and great determination. You can have a child (or more) and be successful. If you know you want them, my advice is don't wait.

Answer 2

College hands down. How do expect to support a family if you do not have a career you should always be educated just in case your guy don't stick around or something else happens. I think you need to start college NOW do not wait the 2 yrs get started now and then have a kid near the end of your education. It is great that you want this big career but do think you'll even have the time to do both once you have a professional career.

Remember you don't have to have kids just because you got married many married folks are living happy lives with no kids.

Answer 3

Anything is possible. It's just a matter of what you are willing to do to achieve your goals. A lot of people go to school, and have a family, so it is doable. But, it will take discipline on both you and your spouse.
Why wait 2 years before starting school? Take 1 or 2 classes a semester. So, you pay out of state tuition for a few classes, at least you'll have some of the basic stuff out of the way.


Good luck

Answer 4

Personal opinion only...wait. My wife and I had our son when I was 39. Of course it is possible to juggle all of that stuff earlier on, people do it all the time. But I for one, loved the fact that my career was already going. I did not ever have to worry about where the money was coming from for diapers, milk, sitters, etc. It is so much better to be able to buy little things at the store, when you want to, rather than having to hang on to that money for a need for the child. I remember a lot of my friends struggling to make ends meet while in college, providing for kids and family. Of course, now, their kids are almost out of the house and they are enjoying more freedom. But my son is my life, and I venture to say, I am more free.

Answer 5

We have similar stories... I am 26 now and had almost the same plans three years ago, but I have decided to get my MBA instead, I also wanted to have kids but with school I know it would be too much. I am waiting for when I am done with school and be then I will have almost ten years experience in my career with my MBA

Although I am not one to tell people how they should make their choices I think waiting is a better idea, then you can enjoy school and then enjoy your children because you will have more time for both.

Answer 6

You could always get your bachelor's first and then have children while you work on your graduate degrees. I had two babies while doing graduate work. Graduate school is a lot more flexible and not as difficult as undergraduate work. If your husband is supportive you can do it. I also kept my job during graduate school. It was a good experience because I learned to multi-task.

If you really want children then I wouldn't wait until you are 35. I know people who waited and bitterly regret it because they can't have children now. Good luck.

Answer 7

You don't have kids go to college. If you had kids I would recommend your kids come first because that is the decision you made then college second. No kids your smart you will have all the time to study, and don't have kids while you go to school, its just too much work. Get those good grades girl and have fun while your at it. I am sorry I didn't even think about your hubby ask him to wait lots of people are having kids later.

Answer 8

Most people will tell you from experience that it is difficult to juggle all that you will try to do. It is duable but very hard to do. Kids get sick, you get sick, you put a lot of stress in your marriage when you have all those responsibilities. 35 isn't too old to have a child. Many women are having kids even later. I had my first child when I was 35 and I don't regret it one bit.

Answer 9

First of all, you're wanting serious answers on this site? Be ready for all the bluntness you can handle, this crowd doesn't know the meaning of the word, SUBTLE. LOL

If I were you, I would go after the undergraduate degree first before you think about having a child because a child will change your priorities in a heartbeat.

Also, speak to your husband about this, after all, he's the determining factor and he sounds like he's got it going on with his plan, you finishing school, he sounds on top of his game.

Answer 10

look.. i live in the middle east.. i know a lot of girls here with similar ambitions.. and they managed to raise their kids while they did their thesis as well..

The most important factor is your husband support.. on the financial level by working hard to support his family.. and by sharing you in the house shores..

remember that having a baby requires full time work with him/her in the first year at least.. so just manage to pause your work 2 times -if you intend to raise 2 children-

it will be hard.. but it will enrich your life and give it meaning.. i mean being married for a long time without kids is not healthy.. kids will bring different kind of meaning in life to you.. bring different theme of romance in your marriage.. and by 35 your kids will be already in school and you can start your career with good focus..

maybe you are just afraid of this challenge.. so you have to discuss it clearly with your husband and make it clear to him what you really want.. and i think he will understand..