I just ended a relationship of 20 years and the empathizer in me can't get over the guilt at the hurt he's feeling.
2007-12-27 03:31:36 · 16 answers · asked by djjroberts 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
20 YEARS... WOW BABES THATS ALOT...
REMEMBER THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON HUN...
PERSONALLY EVEN THOUGH I MAY GET ALOT OF NEGATIVE COMMENTS TOWARDS THIS BUT WHEN I ENDED A RELATIONSHIP SEVERAL YEARS BACK AND FELT GUILT, I'D ACTUALLY THK OF THE REASON WHY I DID IT... NOT ONLY THAT I'D FILL MY HEAD UP WITH ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS IN THE RELATIONSHIP....
THAT CAUSED ME NOT TO FEEL SO BAD.
2007-12-27 03:41:19 · answer #1 · answered by LaDiiE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best way is to be totally cold but not mean. As well as stay as far away and talk as little as possible during this delicate time. The reason being is that it is hard yes... and its ture there is nothing you can do to help. But any influence you may have during this time will do two of these negative things... The first and most obvious is the fact you could be leading her on, even by the most boring of conversations she could read a whole world into the smallest comment. The second reason, has to do with addiction and those chemicals, The less contact the easier she will have at adapting. Hope this helps...
2007-12-27 11:45:06 · answer #2 · answered by justin l 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you knew that it would hurt and you broke up anyway, why are you feeling guilty? It didn`t work out for you and you left so you should be happy.
After 20 years, you finally felt you had to break up. It was a reason you thought good and because he is hurting you feel that you should be too.
There is not any way to minimize the hurt.
No matter how or when or why you broke up, short of coming back, he will be feeling hurt, embarassment, foolish, mad, like it is his fault, like it is your fault, sad, etc until it is all played out and he finally decides he has had enough and wants to get his life in gear or gives up and just lives what life he has. Let him grieve and get over it.
2007-12-27 11:46:47 · answer #3 · answered by Blessed 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really, really tough, but one thing I've found, is that generally speaking it's easier for both parties just to walk away completely, or almost completely.
I was with someone for six years, and we spent so much time together, we went through SO much together... while we were together, we had and lost a child, one of my best friends and her mom died... we had some utterly amazing times together and we went through the lowest of lows. But in the end it just didn't work out for us.
For the first couple months after, we tried to hang out, tried to chat, tried to be cool, but it just didn't work... there was too much hurt. So finally I just drifted away from her, and when I did and I stopped focusing on her, on what she was doing now, on how she was doing now, and back on my life, it got a lot easier... same for her.
We chat once every few months or so and it's okay, but otherwise that's it. If they're still in your life, the doorway to the pain that made the relationship end is still open, my friend. You can only close it when they're not standing in it anymore.
2007-12-27 11:41:27 · answer #4 · answered by Mysterious Racer P 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's taken me over 2 years to get over my divorce. I still am sad, but, in the end, I am also happy because I've got my health back and friends who are supportive. Just make sure he doesn't try to send you on a guilt trip every time you see him. That is his way of getting revenge.
2007-12-27 11:43:00 · answer #5 · answered by PuttPutt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Focus on the fact that by ending it, you did the right thing. A lot of people will be so overcome by that guilt that they try to keep a bad relationship alive. You did the right thing by being honest. It's only natural that you're sad, too, but remind yourself that you have now freed him to go on to find someone who will truly make him happy.
2007-12-27 11:36:13 · answer #6 · answered by sarah jane 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It will take some time. 20 years is a long relationship, and there was bound to be pain inflicted, intentional or not. Take your time, talk to people you are close to or a counselor.
Good Luck!
2007-12-27 11:35:50 · answer #7 · answered by takemymulligan 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All you can do is be honest and direct without being cruel. Be kind in your dealings but don't lead him on. It's over and he will be ok after a while. You can't be the one he leans on now, he will have to rely on his friends and family to help him through. As long as you aren't mean or hostile or cruel in your dealings with him, that's all you can do.
2007-12-27 11:36:54 · answer #8 · answered by Jen M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey John,,,The best way to help is staying away. If the person calls you all the time. Don't be so accesible. Maybe a short trip. Or simply not being around them can help. Good luck.
2007-12-27 11:36:42 · answer #9 · answered by KingDavid 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes. You can minimize the hurt by just going away. Leave him alone to heal.
2007-12-27 11:38:19 · answer #10 · answered by amazingly intelligent 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋