church vs marriage?

Question

I am married to a pastor. We have been married almost a year now. The problem is due to me being very emotional and him not being willing to deal with issues that are affecting our marriage (ex-wife for example) we have had such a tough time trying to get this marriage on the right track. Due to past hurts and failures, that happened before I met him, He has become so detached, indifferent and synical that I could scream. Yet inspite of the fact that our marriage is rocky to say the least, he continues to put the bulk of his effort/interest into the church and Pastoring. Then he expects me to sit there, be quiet, be pretty and be a wife. I love my husband but I believe that our most important calling/obligation right now is to our marriage and the covenant we made before God. Is it wrong of me to feel like he should take a year off from Pastoring to devote some quality effort into our marriage? I feel like nothing or noone else should take priority over our marriage, except God.

Answer 1

I don't have a good answer to your question, but your situation explains why the Catholic Church doesn't allow their Priests to get married.

Answer 2

You husband could have been a salesman or a doctor or engineer, and the story would be pretty much the same. It's not the church that's ignoring your needs, it's your husband. Any man can give more to his job than to his home, often because he can see the fruits of his labors more easily there. Sales are up, or the patient healed, or the bridge built. But marriages don't have the same tangible success indicators. You two need to spend time (as you said) working on your marriage, and maybe that starts just by having some goals. I'm not sure what those would be, but maybe a counselor could help you.

Your situation is definitely more difficult than the doctor, salesman or engineer though, because your husband is a pastor. By the nature of his job, people think he should be available to meet their needs 24/7. Even Jesus didn't work those hours! He didn't heal everyone, and when he was tired he went off by himself to rest and pray. Being a pastor's wife is a high calling. I have great respect for those I know who accept it gracefully. I also know some who have suffered from the loneliness...pastors are gone from home a lot. Between office time, pastoral visits, writing sermons, meetings with church leaders and committees, and showing up at every possible church activity, I don't know when they ever see their families.

Yes, the ex-wife is a complication also, but you two need to spend some time understanding each other. He needs to know your needs, and you need to accept that his job is not like others, and that he feels called to it. But if he also wants a wife, he needs to commit himself also to you. Best of luck! Stay in prayer, God is not against your marriage.

Answer 3

My parents went through the same thing. My dad was always focused on the church: growing the church, tending the church, making sure other marriages got counseling, studying. He and my mother have not had an intimate relationship in well over 10 years now - after 40 years in the ministry. Dad is retired, and, at a time that should be the prime of their life, my dad is totally closed off from the family. He has no idea how to relate to the rest of us, as family, rather than as a part of his 'flock'.

Plus, several of us kids are completely jaded when it comes to religion. We've seen too much to believe that organized religion is a good thing. Of four children, one attends church regularly, two identify as Christians but don't practice, and I don't identify as a traditional Christian at all and attend a Unitarian Universalist congregation.

Honestly, I think that, for many pastors, the idea of celibacy is a good one. If someone is going to be that wrapped up in any career, they should consider what it will do to a family BEFORE they have a family. Now that it's done, you're going to have to insist on counseling, and find a way to make real time (not an hour here and there) for each other. If he can't take a full year off, then he should take a few days each week, scheduling them as personal time. If your finances can handle it, ask the church to cut his hours to part-time, and hire another part-time minister (or lay pastor)to take up some of the slack. Make sure any deacons/elders are doing the jobs they are supposed to, like visiting the sick and managing the day-to-day issues of the church building.

Feel free to e-mail if you need more, or just want to talk. I almost married a pastor, but he decided not to follow that route, so I married a photographer (same guy). We are now divorced, but at least it wasn't over religion. Good luck to you, and my thoughts are with you.

Answer 4

Sister, Your Husband should take the rest of his life off as a pastor, Because any person that claims to be in the ministry can not be divorce & remarried, Yes he can still be a Christian, But not a minister As an example 1st. Timothy 3:1-16 He must be the husband of one living wife, even if he was the innocent person in his divorce, He still can not be in the true ministry, If he continues as a minister he will fail at the end, Because Christ will have only One Wife so shall his ministers, I know many may say well He got saved after his divorce, that is good, It don't make any difference if he had 10 wives & gets saved, Yes he can be saved, But no he can not be a minster, there is qualifications for a minister to meet, So it would pay him to step down as a minister & just be a Christain, Now if his wife is dead he is free to marry someone else only in the Lord & he can be a minister. Show your husband this answer & tell him to really study the scriptures, I have a brother in the same situation, I told him that he can be as saved as anyone else But to be in the ministry, NO, He did not listern to me, so what he done was tried to over-ruled the scriptures.

Answer 5

Sounds like while he might love you, he loves the image his marriage is giving him, more than he is enjoying the marriage. This is tough because of the 'church' and your sort of 'duty' to be the first lady and an example.

It might be a good idea to bring up that you and he should seek counsel if he is not willing to put the kind of work into this marriage that he is in the kingdom of God. The very things he preaches, he is not living up to. He can't keep asking you (without actually asking) to pretend that all is well on the homefront when he is not devoting the same kind of zeal to your marriage.
I hope this was helpful in some way, and while I have never been in this particular situation, I do know what it is like to be in a marriage that I am struggling to make work all by myself.
Blessings to the both of you.

Answer 6

My dear. For marriage to work, the two of you must work your differences out.

You both need to put your minds and effort in solving those problems TOGETHER. I understand that as a pastor, he must tend to the flock (congregation), but he has a responsibility towards you, just like you have the same responsibility towards him.

If you take a year off from pastoring, he may take it as if you are not supportive of him.

The EX's place is not between the two of you. So whatever problems there are in which she is affecting your marriage must be dealt with swiftly and to the root. Putting passions and jealousy (if any) aside.

Before you both sit to disccuss your problems, PRAY, GIVE THANKS, and then Speak. After speaking, then PRAY, and SING PRAISES to your Lord.

Prayer is powerful. You know that. Trust your Lord. You know he won't let you down.

Answer 7

It takes a special person to be a pastor and a pastor's wife. He needs to learn to balance his marriage and his church. I know of many marriages that have failed because a pastor gave 100% to the church and had nothing left over for wife and children. I don't think God wants your marriage to fail, but your husband has to realize that he needs to devote more time to you. You are justified in your feelings.

Answer 8

I am going to answer from my mothers point of view.since I am not a Christian,but I was brought up in a Christian and pagan home.
1:your husband's first priority is the church,you are being selfish.
2:You are not truly married in the eyes of god since he has an X.Till death do you part or did you leave that out of the marriage ceremony.
That's my Christan mothers point of view.Mine is you sound like you are insecure in your relationship,you need to come more involved in the church by helping others.That will bring you closer.Asking him to take off from something that is his responsibility and something he believes and he is called to do is not fair at all.

Many blessings.

Answer 9

You make many good points. In many "churchs" there is a heirarchy, and thus someone "above" that you could counsel with. Most folks can't afford to take a year off. you are certainly right that it is hard to balance priorities. He does have a job, although a somewhat peculiar one, and one cannot recommend that he neglect the duties he is being paid to perform. Are there elders or deaconesses that could get together for a bible study about these things? (our duty to family etc.) Have you read LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman.? The whole thing hinges on communication. Somehow it isn't happening.... can you help it to happen? If it doesn't happen, you are toast, as they say.

Answer 10

Why don't you get the 6 part teaching from a wise and mature Pastor called Making Marriage Work and get a commitment from your husband to set aside some time each week to listen to and discuss together each of the segments? Both the Pastor and his wife share insights about what a man and a woman are looking for in a good marriage.

http://www.enduringtruth.org/store/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=771776

Making Marriage Work (6 part series)SKU 771776

#771 Shutting the Door to Divorce: Practical encouragement toward rejecting the values of today’s divorce-prone culture; examining the limited Biblical grounds for divorce (based on 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 and other Scriptures)...

#772 Affection & Attractiveness In Marriage: The importance of being teammates rather than adversaries in marriage; understanding a wife’s desire for affection; understanding a husband’s desire for his wife to remain physically attractive (based on 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 and other Scriptures)...

#773 Communication & Respect In Marriage: Understanding a wife’s desire for good verbal communication; understanding a husband’s desire to be respected (based on 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 and other Scriptures)...

#774 Priorities For Healthy Marriages: Encouraging husbands to excel in fatherhood, financial responsibility, and faith; encouraging wives to prioritize their husbands above children, personal endeavors, and career (based on 1 Corinthians. 7:32-34 and other Scriptures)...

#775 Partnership & Sexual Fulfillment In Marriage: Practical ways husbands can prioritize their wives above all other human relationships; encouraging wives to be sexually available to their husbands (based on 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and other Scriptures)...

#776 Three Commitments For Healthy Marriages: Encouragement for all married persons to make commitments to personal growth and maturity, to pleasing their spouses, and to pleasing God by living up to their marriage vows (based on various Scriptures)

Answer 11

Do you have an outside source of income which would make it practical for him to take a year off. What does the Bible say about the obligations of marriage? Have you made it clear to him just how unhappy you are. I do not mean the usual 'he should know" I mean unambiguously. Have you talked about counseling?
You might wish to post this question over in family and relationships. You might get better references.