Tri-lingual in-laws leave me out of conversation. Is that rude? What should I do?

Question

My wife & her family of 5 all speak English, French, & Spanish. Their complete fluency is truly amazing and they are rightfully proud of it.

I, meanwhile, am your typical midwesterner with high school level Spanish. After 2 yrs of marriage, the multicultural thrill has worn off a bit and I find myself simply bored at the dinner table as they talk for hours in French (of which I know not a word). I've asked my wife if they can speak in English or at least Spanish for me, and she says it's "difficult" for a few reasons: (i) her mother is very proud of their linguistic prowess and wants her children to exercise their French, (ii) there is a certain "closeness" her family has when speaking in French (particularly mother-daughter 1-on-1), and (iii) she's asked but they haven't changed.

I find myself growing increasingly angry when they all laugh at the punch line while I stare at my plate. I love my wife dearly, but this distances me from her family.

Ideas on what I should do?

Answer 1

First off, the behavior displayed by the family, although they are proud of it, is bad manners.

In social gatherings, a good host/hostess would make sure all guests and family members are comfortable. The language thing obviously makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure they've noticed it, but still, they go on with their "tradition".

The good side of this is that you are exposed to 2 foreign languages. Next time, just pick up some words and use them for your own good. Its hard to keep a straight face and look interested in instances like this but best thing you could do is just learn then surprise them with your knowledge next time :)

Answer 2

I agree that children should learn the two other languages, yes it's true there's closenessin you speak your native language but defnetlty don't agree that they didn't speak english while you are there, they shouldn't even speak spanish because you're not fluent (right?)
at least they could speak French, but at least one of them shlould spoke with you, the father, then the brother, then your wife explaining to you why they're laughing. I would be affended my self, I would feel ignored, that's why I wouldn't do it to anyone else.
Rude yes it is but what can you do they are all adults, next time try to start a subject so you make a conversation. another advvice if you want learn french, just for you, at least you can understant and answer in english

Answer 3

Perhaps there could be an understanding that while you are sitting at the dinner table, the conversation should be in English; otherwise you will be left at the table feeling like a complete outsider to your family. During the other parts of the get together they can speak any language they wish. It is terrific for your children to learn all these languages.

Answer 4

yes it is rude.....especially if they are in your home. I would feel the same way you do. I would either secretly take French and surprise them all or not go to dinner at there houses. Your wife should be standing up for you not theres....sorry I really feel and husband and wife should stand strong together and not side with there families. Your wife could also translate for you so you can feel a part of the conversation. She could also reply in english when there talking....all in all I would take the french class and shock the table.

Answer 5

e have to put up with a lot of things. At work, in stores, at church and school. Any public place. But we do not have to take abuse and rudeness from others in our own home. A conversation with your husband is needed. You sound like someone who wants to keep the peace at any cost. Even more important is what is behind your sister-in-law's behavior. There must be some underlying issues. You mentioned your beliefs. Could this be th root of the problem? Explore it and see.

Answer 6

I was in that situation too. I now wonder why they didn't try to teach me. I hope your not the punch line.
Perhaps you could ask them for help learning the language. And if that doesn't work. Find someone who will. Then at least you can say you're doing your part but then they will have to do there's. Also, a note. Where you live is the language that should lead. "When in Rome" is just a thought.

Answer 7

If French is their most comfortable language, I can certainly understand why they would want to use that language to speak to each other. I am very proficient in a language other than my native language, but I would still much rather use my native language when I'm trying to be comfortable.

Perhaps the thing to do is to simply get up and leave the conversation.

Answer 8

I agree with Chloe-ja -- yep, they are rude as hell, but what are you going to do? Try to put a positive spin on it if at all possible. There are a lot of very lovely Francophone places in the world, to which you will enjoy your trip more if you have French, even a little. Your movement toward them may make them friendlier, and they conceivably could help you learn the language. It is certainly a pain in the butt to learn another language, but it does have its rewards, if, IMO, you can just put aside your (fully justified) resentment. Good luck.

Answer 9

Learn the language. Take it as a challenge and isn't it good that you learn a new language that is useful to you? Buy books, CDs etc that teaches French. You are lucky you have your in-laws to practice on while you are learning it. I for instance don't want to learn French because no one in my family or in-laws' family speak French, so I see no point in learning it. In your case, you have a very good reason to learn it. Enjoy!

Answer 10

Ask you wife to teach you French. Or take a French class. If you take a French class don't let them know it for a while. Who knows what you might find out by staying quiet. The rest sounds like bullshyt to me. Your wife should be on your side with this and tell her parents how uncomfortable it is for you. She should understand that you feel left out. It would make me feel like they are hiding something. It would make me feel like my wife was not on the same page with me and that she didn't care about my feelings and neither does her parents. To me' There disrespecting you in your own house. I would have already blew my stack.