Should I forgive this person?

Question

Ok. This is very complicated. The person I am trying to forgive is my "Father". I met my dad when I was 11 yrs. old. Previous to that all I knew about him was his name and that he was a liar. Everything was going well until I turned 15 he made a promise that he would come visit me and he did not keep the promise so I got mad and I stopped talking to him. Months went by before I forgave him. I told him that I didnt like when ppl lied to me. So he agreed to not make promises he wasnt going to keep. I few months went by and I was going to graduate from School and there were many things to pay such as prom, and various senior activities and my mom could not pay the expenses herself so we all made an agreement and he said that he would pay for Half of the expenses. He got a copy and my mom got a copy of the expenses. However my graduation day came and went and I did not recieve any money from him. He would not visit or even call to see how we were doing. until six months after my graduation

I know being mad at a parent is wrong but I know if I forgive him Im going to be hurt again. I dont know wut to do. I dont talk to him but I am uncomfortable when he comes and visits. What do I do? Better yet what would you do?

After I graduated one of his Daughters (my half sister) came to live with my sister that was when he began to call and see how she was doing he started to visit again. Problems came along and she was forced to go back home and then he said that he was only coming to be with her and that he thought she needed to see a familiar face. I know being mad at a parent is wrong but I know if I forgive him Im going to be hurt again. Plus he not only lied he also said he was visiting his other daughter not me. I dont know wut to do. I dont talk to him but I am uncomfortable when he comes and visits. What do I do? Better yet what would you do?

Answer 1

I think you should forgive him.

In my experience, it is possible to forgive and not forget. I just think that from now on, you cannot let yourself expect anything from him. If he says he is going to do something, assume that he isn't. That way you don't get your hopes up.

Not forgiving is like eating rat poison, hoping the rat will die.

Answer 2

OK, 1st of all just where did you get the idea that it was wrong to be angry at a parent?
In this situation, I think you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry with him.

I am sorry that your father has turned out to be little more than a sperm donor for you. Fortunately for you you are a smart young lady, & you are learning that this man just can't be counted on for anything except to disappoint, so from now on I hope that you don't put your trust in him any further.

There are many valuable life lessons that a responsible father can teach his daughter. The lesson that no man is to be trusted is the very worst lesson, & I am afraid that this may be the only thing he has shown you.
It would have been better if he could have been there for you as an example of what a good man is.
He could have shown you that by preparing yourself with a good education, and a solid career, that you don't really ever NEED a man in your life. Rather than needing a man, you can build your own life, & be secure with a man who you will SHARE it with.
With that knowlege you are less likely to make a bad choice in a future partner. So take your time & choose wisely so you don't end up with a man you need. Instead you will end up with a good man, the man you DESERVE!

Answer 3

Ii have had the same type relationship with my father. I am now 34 years old and i think I've spent a total of 6 and 1/2(being generous) years with my dad. that will include sporadic visits and calls. the best thing that you can do for yourself, your mom, and your dad is not to expect anything from him. I am a African American male, and it is increasingly vital to my ethnic group to have a strong male presence in our lives and no one should or can fit that bill like your own father. I even gave him a way out by telling him that what happened in my childhood( before age 18) was not an issue but he still hasn't risen to manhood yet. So, if they don't want to fit that bill, in my opinion it's their loss. Like you,my mom has always been there for me and so has my stepfather whom i affectionately call "daddy".

What you do owe your father is respect as your father and an elder, so continue to give that to him, but ask nothing in return, if he gives without being asked accept it but, don't hold requirements for him because, you set yourself up to be let down and the cycle will continue. It is sad to say but i don't believe what my biological father tells me, so i don't ask him anything and what we do discuss i filter. I've learned what to believe and what not too. It's a sad commentary but it is what it is. He may mean well, but one thing that I've grown to look at is the relationships that the perpetrator (dad) may have had with their father or mother. In a lot of cases, the relationship that they have with their kids will resemble that which they had with their parent. So it is up to someone to break the cycle. What i am trying to do is give my boys what i did not have.

a biological father who is there. i wrote this under my wifes name so please excuse me. Ruqi is my wife.

Answer 4

Personnally I wouldnt forgive him. Other people may say that os to harsh but they dont know what you really went through. Yeah of course people are going to say forgive him because he is your father but if he lied to you once and then again I wouldnt forgive him. I dont like being lied too espesially if its a promise. if the person really meant it then try to keep it. ill understand if he didnt have the money but at leadt get in contact with you. Its not hard to pick up the telly. You know he will keep lying to you and your lying to yourself if you think he wont lie to you again and im not cold hearted. But It is ultimately up to you if you want to get hurt again. I know lies are little things but they can personally hurt someone.

Answer 5

Well here are you options (obviously I know)
Forgive him. Then of course you have to realize that he is probably going to keep letting you down over and over. You are going to have to forgive him again and again and again for as long as he is in your life and he will most likely be a constant disappointment.
Not forgive him. In this case you are making the choice to not allow him to be a part of your life. This is a very tough choice as, although he abandoned you and is not very trustworthy, he is your father. It may be your best choice as it is difficult to handle a parent that is not a very positive part of your life.

I have seen both happen to friends of mine and neither one is totally happy with their situation. It is really up to you and you need to ask yourself if you want to allow your father to be a part of your life. Personally I would tell him that he obviously doesn't want to be a part of my life (my whole life) so I don't want him in my life at all. I have seen a relationship like this with my friend and his father, where he is still a part of his life (when it is convenient for him anyways) and it has caused my friend major problems in his life. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 6

personally i think he wants a daughter without the responsabilities he should of did the thing by you and you mum and paid half of the costs.if it was dad who was doing this i really dont think i would ever talk to him again until he grew up and started taking some of the responsability and for him to stop the lying being a kid theres nothing worse than being lied to again and again goo luck mate

Answer 7

wow,,i wish i could chat with you,,cause trust me i have been where you are..my dad is the same way,,he talks to and visits my sister all the time and would not call me at all..he has made promises that he has not kept.he left my mom when my sister was 2 and i was 4,and never paid a dime of his child support for us,or ever attempted to help us in any way growing up...and i grew to feel very bitter and angry at him over it,,so much in fact that after calling and asking for help the last time and being told that he couldn't do it because of his new wife,i turned my back on him and hadn't spoken to him in over 2 yrs. until last week...see,he is now having alot of medical and emotional problems,i have a 12 yr old sister there with him that i barely know,she and i try to keep in touch thru e-mail but that's not enough,,and i also have an 11 yr old daughter and i am expecting a baby boy in March..and as my daughter and i were doing christmas cards she fixed his up and told me,"mommy i'm gonna fix the envelope just from me because if he see's it's from you he may throw it away." that broke my heart,,i have barely no relationship with my dad,or my little sister,,and my babies would have had no relationship with any of them,and that broke my heart..so,i decided to drop him a long e-mail and i spilled my heart out to him,about how he had hurt me,but also how i still loved him and didn't want my children to spend their lives not knowing him.and he shocked me a few days ago by calling me,and appologizing to me for it all..and now we are working on our relationship,,i even got a christmas gift from him,,1st one in over 3 yrs....i'm not telling you to trust him and let him so far back in that he will hurt you again,,absolutely not,,but you need to tell him how you feel,,and clear the air..and i wouldn't push him completely out of my life if i were you..i know he hurt you honey,,but he was chosen to be your dad for a reason,and you should do all you can to mend fences with him before something happens to one of you to where you can't...sorry this is so long,,but this hits home to me...i know it's hard,,but trust me,,it will be much harder if you push him away forever..i hope this helps you.....good luck....

Answer 8

forgiveness is within yourself..you have to take your personal experience and feelings into consideration before making that choice. im sorry he hurt you by lieing and forgiving that is really hard to do..but resentment is a curved blade if you hold that with you for so long eventually itll hurt you too. forgiving him for what hes done doesnt mean you have to trust him again..its up to you to find the inner strength to give him forgiveness..and its up to him to earn your trust again. it could take some time but hang in there. best of luck!

Answer 9

I think even if too hard to forgive your dad...still he is your dad..and maybe there are many reasons that breaking those promises that he made..And you should have conversation with your dad..trying to make things clear..

I hope it helps...

Answer 10

Forgive him.
Leave him alone.