Someone help, my mother in law is an overbearing witch?

Question

At dinner at my grandparent's house last night (my mother in law was invited) I let it slip that I didn't want anyone at the hospital when I go into labor, and my husband and I would be calling people after the baby is born. Dorothy, my husbands mom, started arguing with me about it. She said that it's her grandchild and she'll be there if she wants to be. When I objected, she told my husband to call her after I've been given pain medication and she'll show up whether I want her to or not. I think that since it's my labor, I should be able to be as comfortable as possible. I can't do tht with my whole family hovering over me during contractions. I want my husband there with me and that's it. How do I get her to listen and respect my decision? I have a feeling that if I let her have her way on this instead of doing what I want, she'll try to take over when the baby's born. She lives 10 minutes away and I don't want to see her in our house every day while we try to get to know our child.

It's not that I don't want her involved at all in the baby's life, or that I don't think she deserves to see her grandchild at the hospital. In my opinion, childbirth is a personal experience between 3 people - the baby and it's parents. She's more than welcome to stop in after the birth, but this is just the way I want it - no one will be told until afterward, not just her. We're not having a party at the hospital while I'm in labor, and refusing to invite her. We've never really gotten along anyway (we used to live in the same house) but now that we're going to have a family I think she needs to understand our boundaries. It just ticked me off that she said that to my husband, to go behind my back when he knows what I want. If it comes to a choice between the two of us, I'm not sure I'd win, so I guess that's saying a lot. Well, any advice on what to say to her would be appreciated, I'd like her to willingly accept my choice rather than decieve her. But I will if I have to.

Answer 1

Set your boundaries now for all that you are going to want and not want from her from now until the baby is well grown and you and your husband have bonded with the baby. If she does show up at the hospital after you have informed the hospital staff and your husband call in a nurse and let the nurse know that you do not want her there and if she is going to be there she needs to wait in the waiting room until your husband goes out to get her. You will not look like a b**** if you do that in front of your husband and mother in law and staff. They will understand and ask her to leave and if she throws a fit more than likely they will ask her to leave the entire hospital not just the delivery room. Before the baby comes set up boundaries for her. Inform her that you don't mind if she wants to come help and see the baby but set a limit like "for the first week you may come every other day for only an hour at a time". If she gets upset let her know that if she over steps her boundaries the only time she will see that baby is when her son brings the baby to her home to see her and that will not be for awhile. Explain to her that this is a very special time for you and the baby to bond and you know how to care for a baby and do not need her there to teach you how to feed and change your babies diapers. Make sure to over emphasize how much you apreciate her offering to help so much. Hope that all works out well for you and your new family.

Answer 2

Let the hospital staff know that no one is allowed in the room while you're in labor except your husband. They won't mind being the bad guy. (Check to make sure they even allow anyone to visit you during labor. At the hospital I'm delivering at, you're only allowed two people during labor and delivery. You're not allowed any extra visitors even during labor).
What does your husband say about all this? Is he planning on calling her?
You're right - it's your labor and you should be as comfortable as possible, and obviously having her there isn't going to help. Yes, it's her grandchild. But it's not about her. You're the one who carried the baby for nine months and you're the one going through labor, so you deserve to have things the way you want them. She had her time when she had her own kids.
If you have to come up with some sort of compromise, tell her she can come and sit in the waiting room, and when you and the baby are ready you'll let her know.

Answer 3

WI MOM is right but I would also try to make sure that your husband is not going to call her behind your back. If he does this you have more problems then her. Does he agree with you? You are the only one that matters here. You are the one that is going to be in labor and having a baby. He is to be there to support you and to do everything possible to keep you happy and comfortable. That includes keeping his mother away from you. My mother in law tried the same thing, my husband told her that no one but him was going to be there. I did not even have to say it. Set the boundaries now or you will be forever fighting over them with her. Your husband should be more supportive.

Answer 4

Your mother in law is like mine they drive you to the point of wanting to pick up a bat to knock some sense into her.

After she told your husband to call her, right then and there he should have told her no I will call after the baby is born like my wife just told you. That would have been the end of the conversation and you would not be upset. He said nothing.
Also, is there really a point to her sitting in the waiting room possible all night? I think your way is more considerate. I would just make sure your husband calls after wards and tell the charge nurse only he is to be in the room no other family if they show up.

Answer 5

Wow. That is a tough mother in law. I think that you are definitly right to decide to set up the boundries there. Originally with my labor (I was attempting to go natural) I thought I would have wanted my family there ect. But since I did most my laboring and delivery in the middle of the night it was just my husband and I. And I really actually liked that. It was so much more calm- didnt have my parents commenting that I should just get an epideral or comparing birth stories. It was really really nice just have my husband in there- much more intimate and calm.

Answer 6

Missing in this is what your husband did/said. If I were him I'd simply do nothing and so honor your wishes.
You both have to be a team and support eachother especially with inlaws and moreso with kids. Be fair,firm and above all unified. Never let any of them see a break in that union, kids especially, will try and drive a steel wedge of guilt into the gap.
With grandparents living that close, it will be rough, but then you knew that going in. Heck, if they won't leave you alone change the locks afterall, its your home and family not theirs.
Honestly, If I saw that my wife had domineering parents we'd move... far away.

Answer 7

This is a tough one because it is your mother-in-law. I think you should sit her down, have your husband there and just explain why you don't want anyone else in the delivery room. Make sure you do tell her that your not trying to put her out of your childs life. Best of luck!!

Answer 8

I know what you mean ..the same problem happened with my mother in law.

And i understand the privacy you want ..it is normal..and she needs to understand that.

You need to let the hospital staff know that you do not want any one else in there apart from your husband.

She can wait in the waiting room if she really wants to..but in the delivery process NO..and its a NO ..and i think you have every right to choose who will be present and that time and who wont.

My mother in law lives 10 mins away from me too..and for the first few weeks it was as if she was living with us..she was always over..and trying to take over everything..my husband had to tell her that we needed a break from her.. she took offence from it..but it was the truth..i couldnt even get to nap because she was there..whenever my son wanted to sleep..she'd start crying saying that she comes over..and i put the baby to sleep because i dont want her seeing him ..LIKE HELLO my son was like 2 weeks old..all he did was sleep and eat. she expected him to stay awake the whole time because she was there..which i didnt let that happen..because my son was more important to me and my husband.

You need to put stand up for what you want..so that she knows she wont be able to get her away whenever she wants..even if she tries. Its hard..but do not let her get to you! and hopefully the annoying things she says and does that gets you angry..hopefully that wont cause any problems between you and your husband.. i also hope your husband stands by you..by saying that i mean..he wont give in to what his mother says..you need to have a good converstation with him to make sure he wont call her last minute just to make her happy.

I hope it all works out for you..and congratulations =]

Answer 9

You don't have to have her in the delivery room, but there's no legal way to keep her out of the waiting room.

It sounds to me like you need to compromise, she can't come into the delivery room, but she can be in the waiting room. Just tell the doctors/nurses who's allowed in the room and they'll see to it that she's kept out.

There's no problem here... you don't have to justify your decision to her. All you have to say is, "I've made decision and it's final" and then drop it. If she brings it up again you repeat, "I've made my decision and it's final" and drop it again. You repeat this until she gets the point.

Answer 10

Settle down.
All you need to do is inform the hospital staff at check in that NO ONE is allowed into your room during labor. The staff does the rest.

Don't bother arguing with her. Just take care of it with the staff.