How Should Insensitive Mom Accept Gift She Doesn't Like From Own Daughter?

Question

Background: Our 79 year old Mom does not like my 42 year old sister's MIL who is an artist. Sis's two boys are 20 and 24 years old. MIL is an artist and our Mother has always criticized her work. MIL painted portraits of Sis & Family. Sis loved them so bought & framed prints and gave to our parents for XMas.

Mom's response? In a dead, monotone voice: "We got your gift". It was clear she didn't like them and it really hurt Sis's feelings and she is so upset.

Mom has been called out numerous times for the hurtful, callous, insensitive things she says and does. By now she should know better. I'm fit to be tied over this. I told her that she hurt Sis's feelings deeply and she could at least have PRETENDED to like the gift. She should display the portraits even if SHE doesn't like them. It's her daughter, grandchildren, and son-in-law!

How should one respond to a gift they don't like, espec. from family?

Any other suggestions or comments appreciated.

Thanks!

Answer 1

The appropriate way to respond to a gift is with gratitude, even if you don't like it. There is SOMETHING about the gift that you can appreciate, whether it's just the good intentions of the giver. Then you can pass on the gift to someone who would appreciate it more, or do with it as you like.

Answer 2

Not everyone respects or appreciates home-made gifts, be it from an artist or anyone else. There may be issues you are not aware of, which precluded the response. Your sister may have been better off keeping the portraits for herself, and displaying them in her own house.

Gifts are for the recipient to do with as they choose--whether it's displaying the gift, or disposing of it. The giver should never tell the recipient what to do with any gift--that is imposing, and disrespectful to the recipient.

This is not to state that rude comments are acceptable, following the rule that if there's nothing nice to say, to simply say nothing at all.

We all have family members who are callous; sometimes they're misunderstood, don't have anyone to talk to, or have succumbed to being bitter.

Even though it takes effort (a whole lot, many times), I've generally been able to steer my own mother to laughter, and not necessarily at someone else's expense. Without that effort, I might have only the memories of a callous, bitter, woman who regrets her life.

Answer 3

Honestly, I think you need to do something big to make her realize what she is doing is wrong and hurtful. What a nice gift of your mother in law to give! And certainly what a great thing to give to your mother to show how much she loves the family she helped to create. Your mother sounds like a total jerk for doing that. How mean! Go over to her house with your sister and proclaim that you are taking the picture back and hanging it in your house or her house because you like it. If she comes over make sure you and your family members talk about how much you love the portrait. If she doesn't respond to that at all, I wouldn't even bother getting or giving her gifts anymore. She is 79, does she really need gifts anyway? I give my grandma some saltshakers or a book, she gives me money. We don't make a big deal out of it. But if I did something as WONDERFUL as painting a loving picture of my family for her, she would be very happy and appreciative (and she is 82). Age is not an excuse for rudeness. My adivce might sound harsh, but SHE is being harsh towards you and your sister and your family. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Answer 4

I agree that your mother was insensitive and rude. However, #1 - she is 79 and not likely to change. This is not the first time she has responded callously to a gift, nor will it be the last. #2 - I disagree that she should hang the artwork. She should have gratefully accepted the portrait and then done what she wanted with it. I wouldn't hang artwork I don't like in my house, even if it was a picture of people I love! Don't expect your mother to change and don't have a heart attack worrying about her insensitivity. It's not your fault OR your problem.

Answer 5

Why would your sister even give her this gift, knowing that she wouldn't like it? Honestly, she sounds pretty insensitive too. You can't force someone to like something if they don't. When you buy someone a gift that you know they won't like, why would you expect a positive response?

Your mother COULD have been more diplomatic about this situation, but I wouldn't be surprised if I heard that SHE had HER feelings hurt by recieving this gift, and I think it is totally out of line to expect her to hang these pictures in HER home when she doesn't care for the artwork OR the artist.

Answer 6

Sounds like my 87 year old grandma. If I was in your shoes, I would ask her why she didn't like the gift. Since it is the thought that counts, it sounds like she is unappreciative.

My mom bought my grandma a new TV this year as an Xmas gift- my grandma wanted nothing to do it. She threw a HUGE fit when it was just my sister and I in the room with her and said that we should take it back. So sometimes I think the rudeness just comes from being old- from all the old folks I've seen, you're either a sweet old person that everyone adores or you are just a frigid old, um well sorry for the word, but bi0tch! Seriously though. People at that age are definitely set in their ways and I'm learning to just let it be. If he/she (meaning my grandma) dislikes something, let he/him. Take it like a grain of salt and let it pass. Then after she passes away, have the prints/artwork buried with her.

Answer 7

The proper response to a gift is to acknowledge the degree of love the giver included. Your mother is a jerk, you already knew that, and you can't make her act like a loving human.
She's old, your whole family will be conflicted when she dies, and this is the issue you might as well start dealing with. There will be relief, guilt, etc., so don't beat yourself up thinking that another few years with you would have taught her to be kind. She sounds like a hate-filled old biddy. Sorry.

Answer 8

To analyze. Your mother doesn't like the gift because it was painted by your mother in law, even if her daughter and her family is in the portrait.
So if your mother keeps it, the gift will be reminded of her daughter's mother in law, so that's why she snapped the way she did.
But it was still impolite the way your mother behaved. Since the gift was for her, she will have to decide what to do with it.
Once you give a gift to someone it is out of your hands. What they do with it, might hurt the giver if the giver finds out.

Answer 9

Your sis is the insensitive one. She knew full well your mother doesn't like her MIL's art, so why give her something painted by her? Isn't she being pushy or spiteful. She has no one to blame for your mother's response other than herself. The golden rule of gift giving is: GIVE A GIFT THE RECEIVER WILL LOVE, NOT WHAT YOU LOVE THE RECEIVER TO HAVE.

Answer 10

i would let her keep it, your brothers girlfriend is probably trying to make a motion to get closer to you, get to know the family. she cant wear the necklace anymore and thought it would be a nice gesture to give it to a little girl who could, so it can continue to be enjoyed. thank her and see if she wants to meet you sometime. if they do break up, i dont see a reason why you would have to give it back if they break up unless she specifically asks for it, a gift is a gift, its no longer hers, its your daughters.