Should i tell my fiancee about gay past?

Question

Sorry to anyone whos already seen this.. i just posted it in the marriages and divorce section but thought it would be wise to post here aswell.

Im 25 years old (male) and engaged to my fianceee who iv been with for around two years but as we get closer to the big day theres something thats really bothering me
Baisically between the ages of 14-17 when i was at boarding school i fooled around (for want of a better word) with one of the guys i shared a room with. Since then nothing like this has ever happened but iv never told anybody about this and so much of me wants to get it off my shoulders and tell her to start married life honestly and everything but on the other hand so much of me dosent want to say any anything for fear of what her reaction might be. Do you think that i should say anything or is it something we could go for the rest of our lives without her ever needing to know?
Thanks in advance

Answer 1

I would tell her...that's you and she must be willing to accept someone completely if she's going to marry them. You should be marrying someone you can tell anything/everything to...if you don't tell her she may find out some other way and then you kick yourself thinking I should've just told her--the bottomline is TRUST that she loves & accepts you enough to completely accept your--past--present & future. :) Good luck!

EDIT: It amazes me how many people aren't telling you to be honest. Geez.... Be the better person here-an honest one!!

**kcbranaghsgirl's: I believe one of the purposes of Y! Answers is to get opinions/help on how one should handle a tough situation they're dealing with ~ that's **exactly** what I was doing, we're all entitled to have differences of opinions--hence the reason we're in a free country however to attack someone because their opinion is different then your own is (to be frank) flat out ignorant. Respect other peoples opinions--you just may learning something.

Answer 2

First you should consider something--Do you believe that a marriage is for ever or just something in life that u might have at one pt and not at other?

If it's the 1st one, then yes you must tell her b4 wedding so she won't feel cheated or anything after marriage and hold you against it. most often, it's the feeling of lack of trust that hurts someone instead of what that truth is. If you don't feel comfortable enough to tell her you most intimate secret, then I wonder if you are really ready to marry her if at all have hte responsibility of a marriage. Please take this as an advise, and take marriage more seriously and tell her b4 wedding. She might take some time to recover from shock but if she loves you then she will definitely forgive u and take you back into her life.

If you believe the 2nd thing, then all the means take ur time in telling her and end up somewhere in ur life w/a few kids and divoriced wife and maybe a new gf and wonder if you really should've told ur wife b4 wedding/not.

What ever you do, I hope you think it through and take the right decision of your life instead of right decision at that moment! Good luck!

Answer 3

I had a "gay past" too, was with women for 16 years, but I was upfront with my husband about it right off the bat, and he was fine...he understands that love comes in different forms. I'm kind of surprised you haven't gotten into the subject of past sexual experiences yet. If you don't tell her, it could haunt you and interfere with your intimacy. No major details needed, just start a conversation about past lovers, and let her know although you don't feel a pull toward men now, you experimented with a guy during high school. I assume you've been HIV tested? Do you know the other guy's history?

Answer 4

This is a real toughie because I don't know how open the two of you are about your pasts in general. She might be the kind of girl who doesn't want to hear about previous girls you've 'interacted' with - let alone boys! ;-)

But if the two of you generally talk about everything and have shared lots of details about your exes, then I think you should be fine to tell her. It's in the past and even if you still found guys attractive, it's part of who you are. It also depends whether she is generally fine with homosexuality; as if she isn't, it would probably be better not to tell her.

When you do tell her, I wouldn't make a big deal of it. The best way to tell her would be to go out for drinks together or something and get chatting about your pasts. Get her to open up to you about her past and see if you feel comfortable telling her about yours.

Don't force yourself to tell her and don't feel that you have to tell her before you get married, either. People continue to find out all kinds of things about each other after they get married - that's part of the excitement of a long-term relationship. If you do tell her, wait for a natural opportunity. You did nothing wrong - it was just a teenage exploration. I'm sure she's thought about girls at some point in her life.

Good luck with your wedding and the rest of your life with your future wife! :-)

xx Emmie

Answer 5

It's generally unwise to tell a fiancée your entire sexual history in agonizing detail - whether it's your history with women or a man. You absolutely need to disclose the following: 1. any STDs/ STIs you have; 2. any children you may have fathered; 3. anything that you think would keep you from honoring your wedding vows or any promises you have personally made to her.

I don't think any of these conditions apply in your case - this sounds like part of your distant past.

The last thing I will say is this: if this really bothers you (and it kinda sounds like it does) and you don't think that you will be able to keep your trap shut about it for the rest of your life (literally!), then it's much better to tell her BEFORE the wedding than it would be to tell her AFTER. She doesn't need to know this, but if you're going to hit her with this info, do it before she's signed on the dotted line. For what it's worth, unless she's a big-time Bible-thumper, I doubt this would bother her. The kind of experimenting you described is not as uncommon as you might think.

Good luck to you.

BTW, Bride-2-Be, please spare us your sanctimonius attitude. What's right for you isn't necessarily right for everyone.

EDIT: Pardon me, B2B, but I'm not the one clucking at other peoples' answers. I am, however, clucking at YOUR holier-than-thou attitude - for which I make no apologies.

Answer 6

I would tell her. I would want to know if it was me. If my boyfriend told me this, I think I would be a wee bit concerned, and probably have a few questions, but I wouldn't end things or anything like that because I love him, and what happened is in the past and you can't change it even if you wanted to.

Answer 7

I think you are making a huge issue out of something that is totally normal, a lot of kids "fool around" with their friends, especially when they are young like that and I do not think this means you are gay, if you were then you would still be attracted to men. If you really feel that you must tell her then do, but I really do not think this means anything other than kids messing about, and I think that telling her you "used to be gay" is going to open a whole can of worms that you don't have to open. Forgive yourself and move on, you have done what most kids have done, and nothing more.

Answer 8

This is something I would absolutely want to know about my husband. It would not change the way I feel about him in the least, but I would want the information and I would want to be sure that any necessary testing is done (HIV, STD those can sit dormant for years, so even if you havent had any symptoms you may be carrying a virus and you DO need to be tested)

You should tell her, this is a major part of your past and she desrves to know. Think of it in terms of your future, what happens if you infect her with something or God forbid your children with something, that would be the absolute worst thing you could do and she would never forgive you for it and you would never forgive yourself because it was something that was completely preventable.

Answer 9

You should tell your wife to be be careful how you say it. Ask yourself were you gay or experimenting. Did you really want to have men or just letting curiosity get the better. I would tell your fiancee that when younger what you did maybe ask her did she ever find herself attracted to girls when younger. Explain how the lads messed about. Hope all goes well with you and let us know how things work out. All the best

Answer 10

Honesty is policy in a marriage. It's a part of your past but your future wife deserves to know the truth.
She needs to know everything about you so she can know who she's marrying.. you wouldn't want her finding out about these skeletons in your closet years later and then your marriage becomes ruined.
Open up to her.. if she loves you she will accept what has happened and move on from there.