to move out. She has a boyfriend and their joined at the hip. The only thing forbid is not allowing her to have her boyfriend spend the night. They share this new car. Because of this we drive her to work everyday as her boyfriend needs the car for his job. My wife has no intention of having her move out and does not even support me with asking for $100.00 a month to help out with expenses. I believe if she can afford a new car payment she can certainly pay for some room and board. My wife thinks its mean of me to do this. She had an opportunity to go to college but turned it down to work at a pizza place. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
2007-12-26 09:38:08 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think the best would be just try to leave her alone since her mother (your wife) seems doesn't really care about the things that you care about. She's 19, she's responsible for all the decisions that she has made, you don't have to worry for her. As for the money wise, if you can help out, just be a bigger person to pay for this kid. If you really look at her as your daughter, you would understand why the car is important to her. I'm pretty sure the $26,000 breaks down to monthly payments wouldn't be a lot of money, so don't think that "if she can do this why she can't do that". Don't be offended, but you sound like you don't really like your (step)daughter much. If you try to use love to look at things, you may feel much better about the situation ;)
2007-12-26 09:48:37 · answer #1 · answered by Lucy 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
dude, she is only 18. give the girl a break. when she turns 20, then start in on the rent issues. (as far as her sharing her car with her boyfriend: bad idea. but i don't know them, so I can't say much on that matter. ) 18 is not grown. She is still a child. Yes, she needs to learn responsibility, but the car payment is a responsibility. She can also buy her own shampoo, soap, daily living items, etc. That is showing responsibility and is less money you have to pay. But give the rent itself a break. Tell her she needs to take car of her own needs herself (like shampoo, etc maybe her own laundry detergent, make her wash her own cloths, etc.) That is a good starting point. And then worry about rent and stuff in a year or so. Maybe by that time her boyfriend will have proposed or something and she'll move out.
2007-12-26 10:01:51 · answer #2 · answered by Pumpkin Pie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would say that $100 for rent is a good place to start. This is a great lesson in responsibility, if nothing else. I paid $100 /mo when I had to move back in after coming back from Alaska. This was 20 years ago, when $100 meant something and I already knew about paying rent!!!
Forcing her to move out is not an option; this will only cause a rift between you and the wife--however, asking her to pay a little rent is not unreasonable. Put it to your wife like this: Honey, what if something happens to us, what is the (daughter's name) going to do? How will she survive? Don't you think she should start learning the skills she is going to need to make it on her own? If not, she will end up in a dead end relationship reliant upon a man to provide for her...
Side note: Does she think pizza is a growth industry? Skipping college to make pizza's is not a very good career choice... I am sure you are on to that.
2007-12-26 09:51:55 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you treat her as though she was your daughter, you'd support her until she started spending the night with the bf, and then she needs to join him or get an apartment together. Otherwise, just start mentioning that birthday 21 is the magic number. Baby or 21.
Reconsidering college is a great idea. Offer additional help (if you can) and help her research schools and scholarships. If she's in a undergraduate program, she can stay during that time free of charge. She should be able to get a good job and move out shortly after graduating.
TX Mom
2007-12-26 10:06:14 · answer #4 · answered by TX Mom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lots of parents are in your shoes, they don't agree on how to get an adult child to make a break and develop responsiblity for their own life. You need to discuss your views and come to a compromise. Talk about it from a concerned parent point of view, rather than finding fault with your wife's ideas.
That said, your wife is an "enabler". She is allowing and even supporting your daughters life style. There is no reason to drive her to work, or not ask for assistance with household expenses, or chores.
A good way of dealing with this is to set a time limit on how long you let this set-up go on, your daughter is taking advantage of you and it could go on for ages. Tell your daughter that you love her and want her to grow up as a responsible adult, and since she doesn't want to go to school it is time to become more independent. Tell her that you will allow her to stay for X number of months while she decides what to do. During that time you expect her to give you X number of $$ weekly that you will save for her. You will then help her find an apartment and move so that she can begin her life. When she finds out you mean it, she may be more willing to consider going on to school.
2007-12-26 09:49:57 · answer #5 · answered by ScSpec 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It isn't appropriate to kick her out on her ear, in my opinion, but, if she doesn't have any plans, she needs to make some.
I would give her a time frame of 2 months to determine what she is going to do with her life, and since she is living with you and at your expense, she NEEDS to bring you (preferably in writing) a plan that shows how she intends to live.
You should make it clear to her that while you are willing to help her out in a limited fashion, it is time for her to make something of herself and that your time as her patrons is coming to an end.
Its time for her to grow up and take responsibility for herself.
Encourage her to reconsider college. Pizza is not a career.
PS. You never should have allowed her to purchase a $26,000 car while she is living in your home. If she stays, she has to sell it and get a nice little Saturn, because it is not appropriate that you should pay for her room and board so that she can drive around in a sporty little car... which her boyfriend is driving and... helping pay for... I hope?
2007-12-26 09:50:48 · answer #6 · answered by Jimee77 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if you take that money from her, put it into a savings account to give back to her later. (make it smaller perhaps, but you should do it just the same...as a training tool) if she's handling her pitious pizza paycheck well and paying for her car and toiletries...if she's a good person and her bf is a good person...there's no need to feel bad that you make her life easier than you had it.
lots of people go back to school to get an education when they know that they will retain the information theyre learning and appreciate the education. maybe she doesnt want to waste the cost of an education at this moment if they know they wont stick to it.
how well you know your kids/stepkids...you dont really once they become adults. if you've laid a good foundation...give them a bit of breathing room as long as theyre being good people. if theyre misbehaving...give them tons of space...like out the door. im certain you'll do the right thing.
2007-12-26 09:47:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
glad to see my kids not The only one.just kidding my daughter is doing basically the same thing and there is no way i will support her iv seen to many adult children that don't have a clue how to take care of them selves so if she is employed and living with me she needs to pay some kind of rent. and the boyfriend having the car stupid on her part and you have to give her a ride to work no way she is an adult that is still living as a child.u support her.you are on the rite track with her you just need to get you wife to understand she is only hurting her by letting her do this.
2007-12-26 09:47:09 · answer #8 · answered by freedom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-02 09:31:25 · answer #9 · answered by kovie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother told me at 12 that if I wanted those nicer things to get a job, I did. Then she took half my pay check every pay period until I moved out for rent. I hated her for it, but you know what? It taught me to be responsible with my money!
Tell you wife that her daughter needs to see that you two will not always be around to support her. Ask her if she plans on having her live with you both until your dead. Tell her that you can appreciate your step child living at home as long as she is contributing like a responsible adult. It's only reasonable to ask her to do this. How else will she be prepared for the real world?
Tell your wife your looking out for her best interests in this. If she doesn't get it togeather now she's going to flouder greatly out there!
2007-12-26 09:44:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋