cousin marriage?

Question

Ok... So I needed an opinion about what you guys think about cousin marriages? I am 16 at th moment and my parents want me engaged to my cousin, that I don't even know? I never talked to him, never met him, and he doesn't even know what I look like. My parents were talking about all this stuff since from when I was about 3. I even had gotten an engagement ring. Need advice what should I do?

I've heard that he is 21 years old. I am 16.

I have never MET the guy....I am a U.S. Citizen....I HAVE NEVER MET THE GUY, have never gone to Pakistan.

THEY JUST MEAN GETTING ENGAGE AT 16 AND GETTING MARRIED LATER AFTER I FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.

Answer 1

your permission is necessary

Answer 2

I think arranged marriages to someone you don't know is an archaic and barbaric practice that went out with the 19th century, and you must refuse. As a USA citizen, nobody can make you marry anybody you don't want to, or that you don't know. This may cause a rift between you and your parents, but that is better than a lifetime of misery married to a stranger. The fact that he is your cousin has nothing to do with it, but, as an excuse, you can say that it is illegal for cousins to marry in your state - which it is in many states.

Answer 3

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

There really is no such thing as "engagement" in Islam. That is a purely cultural practice. Even if you are "engaged" you are still not allowed to be alone with him because you are not mahram. There is only not married and married, nothing between the two. Now, there have been instances where a couple marries but does not live together or consummate the marriage for a time, and this is okay if both parties agree, but in your case it would be of no benefit for you.

Your parents are simply trying to arrange a marriage for you according to your culture. You should decline to be engaged, and if marriage is not an option for you for several years, instead focus on your studies and let this young man get on with his life. It is not fair for him to have to wait several years to marry just because YOU are too young.

When you are ready to marry, you should seek the input of your parents, because they really want the best for you, but you must tell them firmly you want to know about and meet your prospective groom. First, you will want to know if he is religious, if he respects women, what is views are on women working, where he wants to live, all the vital details that people usually "forget" to ask. Also, you can spend time together with a chaperone in order to get to know one another. What if you meet a man and you find he just totally does not interest you? Maybe he has no sense of humor or treats you like a child. There should be a modicum of phyical attraction - Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him - once asked a man if he had seen the woman he was proposing marriage to. He was told no, and he told the man to go and look. You don't want to marry someone and be with him for the rest of your life if you truly have nothing in common.

Now, as I say this I recognize that you will be fighting a hard, hard battle to go against the culture of your parents. If you stick to the religion, the Qur'an and Sunnah, and don't let them make yo feel guilty about not being interested in this man at this time, inshAllah when you are ready to marry Allah will provide you with a good pious husband who will be your friend and partner as well. It may be a cousin, or it may be someone from another family or country. Just fear Allah and realize that even if you displease your parents in this, YOU are the one that will be waking up next to your husband every day, and you should get to know a potential spouse before marriage to avoid sadness and lifelong regret. May Allah give you strength.

Fi Aman Allah,

Nancy Umm Abdel Hamid

Answer 4

Remind your family that according to Islam no woman can be forced into a marriage (or engagement). If you do not want to marry your cousin, they should not pressure you. Pressuring you will only cause you to resent them, them to resent you, and you possibly suffering through an unhappy marriage.

Islam may not allow "dating" in the sense of the word that most Americans use it, but it does allow potential husbands and wives to meet and get to know each other! Having people marry sight unseen is a cultural tradition, not an Islamic requirement.

Answer 5

Sister, Islam has given you the full right to refuse the proposal if you are not satisfied BUT your parents are your guardians and they will always think good for you. You must see your cousin, may be he is good at his character, may be he is a good practicing muslim and May be he is better in respecting women. For now you know nothing about your cousin. I would suggest you to calm down and with the presence of a mahram talk to him over the phone. This way you will get some idea about him. The way you are thinking about him, the same way He must be thinking about you. Even you are new and strange to him, he never met you right? So who knows later on He might refuse the proposal. So just Pray to Allah for your betterment and what ever is in favor of you, shall be the decision. Take some time. Talk to your parents, don’t disobey them. ~! you 16 right now, and they are not getting you married right now, so u still have time to think. Think positively and think from your mind. Don’t listen to what others may say like your friends, because sometimes friends discourage one. So you better think from your mind, feel from heart, and try to take the wise decision and follow what I have written above.
May Allah protect you- ameen~!

Answer 6

Don't make a decision until you meet him and get to know him.

EDIT: PEOPLE THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO KNOW.
The SCIENTIFIC FACTS SHOW THAT marrying between first cousins is little different than two complete strangers marrying. The difference between chances of a birth defect only increase 1% from that of any other random couple.
Now I personally would discourage marrying a cousin only because of the potential for causing problems in the family in case of fighting between the spouses or divorce.
IF, IF, IF there has been continual cousin marrying in a line of a family then the birth defect chances rise a bit more depending on that families genetics (i.e. your parents were cousins, their parents were cousins or double cousins etc).

And to those who say it is illegal in western countries. Another fact is that it is only U.S.A. (and not even all of U.S.) and Canada that don't allow it. There are states within the US that DO allow it. Europeans countries allow it along with the rest of the world as they have made themselves aware of the scientific truths and facts.

Answer 7

Remember islam gives us women the right to choose whom we wish to marry. This does not mean to go out and start dating but for both you and your paretns to get toegther and see who will be a match for you.... In my opinion it's best if you try and tlak to your parents about your cousin, if you wish say that you would liek to get to know him before you decide whether or not you would like a life time commitment with him. To do this you will need to have a third person present.
It's wrong for parents to arrange a marriage without the children even knowing about it or before they even understand whats happening. This very common in Pakistani's.

Answer 8

You are too young to make this decision at this age no matter how mature you think you are. Assuming you will get married when you are 18, that’s two years from now and you will change a whole lot and grow up a lot within these two years. You’re at an age in which you are forming your thoughts and points of views. You cannot make such decision now.

Answer 9

this is what i think like it or not, you need to take charge of your own life, what in the hell... are you going to lay in the same bed with a man you have never never seen. you aren't 3 you can choose what kinds of ice cream you like, as i have said before, in my country you can get killed for marrying into your family. it is against Islam for your parents to FORCE yu to marry this man when you not approve. if you want it go for it, if you dont your running out of time. in Islam it is allowed but not mandatory, not let your culture take over what you really want in life.

Answer 10

Don't forget that you have the right and responsibility to choose a husband, you don't have to accept whatever your parents chose for you when you were three. It will be a disappointment if you decline him, especially if they've been waiting for such a long time. So don't be surprised if they get upset. However, again, the final decision rests on you.

Read over these, decide, and use them to explain your decision to your parents... They might not like that you go against their judgement, but remind them that Allah gave you these rights for a reason. Insha'Allah they will understand and I will keep you in my duaa's.
http://www.themuslimwoman.com/herrights/womensrights.htm
http://www.islamfortoday.com/women.htm
http://al-islam.org/al-tawhid/women_behishti/
http://www.islamtomorrow.com/women/rights.asp
http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/355/

Answer 11

What ever you do, don't leave the U.S. If you go to Pakistan then you can be forced to marry him. Since you are a U.S. citizen you can get help from the state if they try to take you out of the country. You do have rights as long as you are in the U.S. You can refuse to marry him. You may make your family very angry at you, but that is preferable to marrying a complete stranger and ruining any chance you may have for happiness. Don't let them corner you into doing anything that you don't want to do.