What do I do if my kid says her Step-Dad beats her?

Question

My daughter is 12 going on 18. She is starting to get a little rebellious as teenagers do (nothing crazy like boyfriends or partying yet - thank god)

My daughter said that she doesn't like Christopher, her step Dad, because he beats her. I think she may get spanked every now and then but I don't she is being beat.

I picked her up on Christmas day, and she was in tears. She was being mean to her 6 year old half brother and was punished. She talked back to him and was "beat" by him. I asked where and she showed me. I didn't see anything.

I am obviously concerned..... very concerned. But I also know how kids can exagerate things. I told my daughter that I would talk to her Mom about it.

I am not sure how to broach the subject with my ex-wife and not cause problems in our post-divorce reltionship. We get along civily, but the last thing that I want to do is get into some kind of custody fight.

I know someone will say call child protective services... but this cause alot more problems that help. IMO it should be used in extreme cases or as a last resort.

I don't even spank my kids personally. I am totally against that. But I don't necessary completely disagree with other people seeing this as ok.

Answer 1

talk to your ex and Christopher and say that your little girl said this and you dont expect it t be going on but you want to know if it is or not also looks like she might be a manipulator Cu's she is beating on her brother and might be doing this to get attention Cu's Christopher and mom said she couldnt do something or get something and knew this is going to get you to boil also if things still seem odd or the convo leads you to think there might be abuse call the department of children and familys and express your conserns

Answer 2

First, I wouldn't call CPS just yet. Second, I would talk to your daughter when she is calm and explain the seriousness of her accusations. This way she has the option of being more specific and less dramatic without feeling like you don't believe her. Third, I think 12 is too old to be spanking a girl, especially by her stepfather. Even a little smack is humiliating to a preteen.

Depending on how that conversation goes, I would certainly speak to Mom in a nonconfrontational manner and very soon. Mom may not be aware that her daughter is so upset or Mom may think your daughter is overreacting and may become defensive. 12 is a rough age for daughters and mothers in any situation. Throw in a little brother and a step parent and it makes things worse.

If it turns out your daughter is not exagerating, then you need to take it step further. Discuss the situation with your daughter and your ex wife and then based on that situation, she needs to discuss it with her new husband. (depending on his temper you may want to be there)

If it is serious, then you should consider taking your daughter in for awhile until you resolve these issues. You may have to get social services to intervine at some point but hopefully it won't come to that.

If you feel that anyone is in the least bit of danger i would report it immediately just to have a paper trail if nothing else. Also you can call a domestic violence hotline and get a counselor's opinion just for added measure. Know that they will probably advise you to report it.

Answer 3

To me this is unacceptable. 12 years old is alittle bit too old to have someone "beating" her. Where is this child's mother when all of this is going on. If I was her father, she would never go there again.....supervise the visits between the mother and your child. If CPS becomes involved, there will be big trouble and an investigation.

My daughters friend was just removed from her home this past week because she told the school that her mother was beating her. CPS was called, and well you know the rest.

Call a lawyer and find out what your options are, you are this child's father. No step parent would ever lay a hand on my child.
I have always heard that when children tell thoings of this nature, that they are usually true. Talk to that man......stand up for your daughter.

Answer 4

Regardless of how you feel this may complicate things b/t you and your ex, you need to speak up to her about it soon. Your daughter is obviously upset about something. If he is hurting her, then signs will show up, bruises, scratches, depression, anger, etc. However she may just be feeling a little attention deprived and this may be her way of acting out to receive it, especially if she doesn't like the step-dad. Let your daughter know the dangers and risk that come along with her lying about something this serious and if she still persist on saying he is beating, her then you need to step in. If the mother doesn;t help or figure out the truth, then seek counseling for her and maybe they can find the truth. Until then just keep a close eye on her as possible, and check for bruises and attitude/behavior changes that get worse. Good Luck and sorry this is happening to you.

Answer 5

Watch your kids. Write it down every time she says something. If you ever see anything take pictures and save it. Make sure you have the date of when you took the picture and when you saw marks. If she is really getting abuse then there is end up being marks. If she is also 'beating" her younger brother, doesn't that make you question where she is seeing it? They don't pick it up from nowhere. Once again just pay attention and don't ever underestimate what your daughter has to say about it. If nothing ends up showing maybe it was just for attention. There is a difference between 'beating' and spanking you child. I wish you luck!

Answer 6

as a child from a broken home and being an ex my self i understand the sensitivity of the situation and your concern
Simply set up a time to Talk to your ex and have it be alone to not put the step on defense. tell her what you heard and your concerns just how you posted the q.
don't be accusing just searching for explinations.
discuss punishment options
our agreement is that only the natural parent is to spank and handle serious discipline. that way the child can't play the families against each other(kids do that even as young as 4)
This way if there is a real prob it is more likely to be handeled smoothly or if its just a kid pissed that another man then daddy has authority over her it can be resolved quickly.

Answer 7

Your going to have to make a choice to call child services or talk to your ex wife and her new husband. There's no other option.
Sit your ex wife and her new husband down and talk about the allegations. Find out what's going on and see where you can go from there.
If you and your daughter don't see a difference then it may be better to get child services involved. After all... It's whatever is best for your daughter even if it involves a long drawn out mud slinging fight between the adults. Don't involve your daughter if you don't have to.

Answer 8

You need to have a sit down with the 4 of you...leave the step brother out. Tell them your feelings on spanking. SHe is a bit old for that anyway. If you are all there the truth will come out.
It may get heated but if you commence with the request that everyone remain calm, then sanity should prevail. You will find out whats realy been happening. If it is something bad than your daughter will know she can trust you with her safety. If she has been exagerating than that will get flushed out.

Answer 9

If you the biological father don't spank your kids then certainly the step dad shouldn't either. You should most definitely talk to your ex about this. As a parent you are to protect your children by any means necessary. Just because your daughter has an attitude doesn't mean she's a liar. Step dad could be hitting her and not leaving a mark. I'm mad for you. Go talk to your ex, and tell step dad to keep his damn hands off your kids!!!!!

Answer 10

Meet your ex for coffee at a neutral place and discuss the situation... get some clarification. Your daughter should be disciplined correctly, to keep her in line, but not abused either physically or verbally.

Spanking are reasonable for as long as that is what it takes to get a point across to a given kid. Some kids will correct themselves if you give them "the look" and some will respond to grounding, while some have to be spanked. I know several parents who had to spank 16-17 year-olds to get them to tow the line.

Next time your daughter says that she was beaten, you need to ask to see the bruises.

On one hand, it is common that step-parents & step-kids won't get along because there is that degree of separation. On the other hand, you need to know that there isn't some story-telling by a teenage drama-queen going on, and that there isn't any abuse.

Answer 11

have a sitdown with your wife, step-dad and your daughter. that way you can hear everyone's side and arrive at the truth yourself.

(mind you i have no kids)

however -the way i look at it - provided you don't take sides and people can keep their cool:

your daughter understands she won't be able to maniuplate you, cuz you will call her out.

step-dad understands that you are an active participant in your daughters life, and you take her welfare seriously.

ex-wife sees that you are there for your dughter, but no harm no foul as far as her new husband is concerned. And if she doesn't know how setp-dad has been treating your daughter (if there is cause for concern) now it will be out in the open.