Is it right to use your children to emotionally blackmail/nosey around someone's home?

Question

I have been feeling unwell (exhaustion) and am mourning my brother and I *told* everyone that I wanted to be alone this Christmas and they accepted that.
I sent my grandsons' presents round three days ago and 'phoned them earlier today to speak to them.
Now my daughter-in-law has just been round here with the boys *knowing* that I could not just shut the door on them on the pretext of "cheering you up".Not only that she allowed the eldest to make a lot of noise and chatter when I said that I had a headache and also had the cheek to ask me if I was eating properly (as if *she* knows anything about that!) and also gave a meaningful look at the cherry brandy bottle that my son bought for me - as if she never drinks!
My son has been called into work and I suspect that she was really after asking me to babysit because she has some party to go to but she wouldn't dare ask as she could see that I was really unwell.
Now she has taken them home to watch television again - her ...

...alternative "babysitter" and they no doubt will be watching "Monsters Inc." which is totally unsuitable for young children and will give my middle one nightmares especially if the elder teases him over it as she will leave them watching it alone.
I was nice and relaxed having watched "Carmen" but now she has upset me.My middle grandson could well be in the children's chorus of Carmen one day if she encouraged him yet one of his presents from her was workbooks for school - she won't even allow them to relax on Christmas Day and nor me on Boxing Day.
Have you ever heard of such an inconsiderate person?

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/m/monsters_inc_2001.htm

If it was genuine concern she could have 'phoned first or come on her own - I am sure that she could have found someone to care for the boys.She knew that if she had come alone unasked I would have told her that I was fine and then politely asked her to leave me alone.
She is probabaly telling all sorts of stories about me being an alcoholic recluse now and enjoying it.

Answer 1

It was a little bit selfish of her to come over with the grandchildren, as you are feeling under the weather, maybe she thought the children may cheer you up.

If I was you Joan I'd curl up with a blanket in front of the tele and watch what suits you......and FINISH THAT CHERRY BRANDY

I totally agree with you on Monsters Inc, (it's on my T.V. at the mo -LoL, the kids are upstairs) anyway My sister had to stop her two boys watching it as her eldest (4) was seeing dinosaurs coming out of his wardrobe and under the bed!!

Answer 2

I'm sorry for you loss but give that poor women a break.

Yes your unwell so you asked to be alone which you were... It's boxing day, they missed christmas with you so of course they want to spend time with you, and for all you know your daughter-in-law could genuinely be worried about you.

You're blaming her for the eldest for making noise, surely thats his fault, he should know not to be loud if you were feeling unwell, next time just ask him politely to tone it down a little. Asking you if you're eating properly.. What's wrong with that? I'm sorry but someone is asking you if everything is ok, and you are looking at it wrong, she might not be the type to easily bond and connect with you and this is her way of checking if you are ok.
If she judges you for drinking every now and then, ignore her, you said it yourself she drinks so just know that she's contradicting herself.

You're upset which is the norm! But maybe you are reading into things a bit to much.

If you don't feel up to babysitting say that you can't because you are unwell, she can't force you. But she didn't ask you so at least she took it into consideration that you were un well.

And lastly.. Monsters Inc.. I'm sure the kids will surivive it's not that bad don't worry.

EDIT well she can probably guess that if she had rang you would have told her to go away, when she's upset or ill she may like having people around her and thought thats what you really need, and that because it's christmas you shouldn't be alone, and should have family around you.

Don't assume things, you don't know what she is thinking.

Answer 3

Joan,perhaps your daughter-in-law came to make sure you were okay.Sometimes when we experience a loss, we can just lose interest in life itself.It is easy to forget to eat or sleep properly becuase we are feeling empty and lost.Hopefully your daughter -in-law was sincere in her concern.You seem too love your grandsons and maybe they asked to come see you, especially if this is the first Chrismas you haven't celebrated with them. Maybe they had to see with their eyes that you were okay.They have also experienced the loss of an uncle,your brother.Children in this situation need to be reassured that their world is still safe.Maybe she came in person because she thought you might not answer the phone. Joan this is a very stressful time for you, try not add to that stress by reading more into this than necessary.Take care Joan.

Answer 4

we attempt to be respectable, yet i do no longer think of we overdo the politically correctness. ... each and every now and then my daughter will say or hear something that i understand must be offensive if repeated in public. I provide her an uncomplicated rationalization of #a million, why we enable different adults get away with announcing the incorrect element, #2 that it ought to break somebody else's emotions so she shouldn't communicate like that in the time of public, and #3 that with the exception of asking me approximately what she has heard - she additionally shouldn't prepare specific words or movements interior the privateness of our very own residence. - The greater you do it at homestead, the greater in all hazard it extremely is to slide out in public. (plus some issues are purely undeniable advise)

Answer 5

is it possible that the kids told their mum that nan didn't sound very well on the phone and please could they go round to see her ?
Maybe your son should have phoned you, firstly to check on you and then ask if you were 'up' to seeing the kids -obviously their mum would have to bring them if they're young.
My ex-son-in-law was a vile cruel hateful 'man' he would bring my granson down, unannounced -not the girls, because they weren't his-they had to walk- drop him off and then a few hours later ,rev the engine and beep the horn -the girls had either to walk back or I got them a taxi home -thank goodness I don't have to see him anymore. All the girls have lovely men now !
Whilst you're not feeling yourself - I think - PHONE FIRST- you can always say 'how about next Thursday' or something similar
(I won't give you a star because my grandson also is Q/A er and I wouldn't wish to risk the wrath of his dad again)
BTW they'll be fine with Monsters inc -they're boys !

Answer 6

Yes, I have just come across such an incosiderate person, as will you, if you pass a mirror at any stage during the rest of the night. Are you in fact a mother in law from hell, or just winding us up?
Add: Alarmingly, I have just read some of your other questions and you do in fact to appear to be on the level. You are watching everything your grandkids say they are going to watch to try to find it unsuitable (re the comedy violence in Spykids - why is that any worse than Tom and Jerry and the cartoons/ silent movie slapstick from your own era???), no doubt to use to beat your poor daughter in law over the head with it at the first available opportunity.
You say you are a proud Yorkshirewoman. I am Yorkshire born and bred, and I am sorry to say you have very nearly managed to make me ashamed to be so - is there any wonder our reputation elsewhere is that of pig headed, stubborn, intolerant people immune to the feelings and concerns of others? I am very sad for you - believe me, if you persist in this way, you will lose your grandchildren.

Answer 7

Joan, firstly I'm sorry for your loss I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.
There are always, always two sides to a story, I don't want to be mean to you but there may very well have been the chance that your DIL really was just checking your well being.
Sometimes in circumstances like these it's the perfect opportunity to let bygones be bygones.
I know there is a lot of things that you don't agree with, with your DIL, sometimes I agree with you sometimes I don't, but I have to say I think on this occasion you are reading far too much in to it.

I hope things get better for you Joan I really do but please remember not to take it out on the wrong people, my comment on your other question still stands if you ever need to talk then feel free to email me. x

Answer 8

it is normal to isolate yourself from other people when you are grieving , after the initial shock ,and all the chaos of the funeral and all the emotions you are feeling , All the well meaning phone calls .cards and sympathy , that you have received must have been overwhelming , but now you want to be alone, i can totally relate to this because i have gone through this myself , i think what makes it worse is because its Christmas , and people hate to see people on their own at this time of year , they will feel guilty for having a good time when they think "you" aren't , take it as a well meaning gesture Joan . As for the cherry brandy , go with it that is your business ,nothing to do with anyone else , it will get easier xx

Answer 9

Wow, you really hate your daughter-n-law don't you? I'm just curious, do you like anything about her? What does your son think about you constantly talking trash about his wife and her parenting?

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with her bringing the kids to see you. Sometimes a visit from the grandkids is what a grandma needs to cheer her up.

And if she is going around telling people about your "drinking habit" perhaps you should consider that as you getting what you have coming to you. You get on here constantly and bad mouth her to a bunch of complete strangers, so I can only imagine what you say about her to people you actually know.

You know, your constant complaints and insults about your grandchildrens mother really hits home with me, because my sons grandmother does the same thing with me. Nothing I do is good enough, she could always do better and she does it to my son. He comes home all the time telling me the nasty things his grandma says about me in front of him, and it hurts him to have her do that. Sooner or later, this hate of your daughter-n-law is going to come back to haunt you and you may wish you hadn't been so hateful towards her.

Answer 10

Joan forgive me for saying this but could it not be that your son and daughter in law were genuinely concerned about you especially as you have lost your beloved brother? Maybe she just has an unfortunate way of showing the concern and it comes across as a criticism and nosiness. I am so sorry you have lost your brother Joan but he is still with you, just in another dimension, and is concerned to see you like this. Try not to get tensed up again for his sake. I will send you some healing and hope you will feel better soon, but just rest as you badly need it. Thinking of you...... x

Answer 11

Maybe she was lonely with your son being gone and thought that if she felt lonely maybe you did too and she genuinely wanted to come make you feel better. Maybe she's just concerned for you rather than judging? You sound very defensive "as if she never drinks" "as if she knows anything" so could it just be your anger and possibly your grief that is causing you to think this way?

I dont know you and I dont know your family so I cant really judge Im afraid!

As for her giving him workbooks-i gave me niece a workbook and stationary set cos she loves to do schoolwork and to feel 'clever'. It helps her self esteem rather than me being pushy. Maybe she's doing them same? And you say he could be in Carmen-would he want to be? Is that his interest and desire for life or yours?

As I said I dont know you personalyl so its hard to judge!