is it wrong that i dont want to work hard for the nice things in life, relationships, nice home, money etc ?

Question

i strongly resent that i should have to work hard for it-- ive had an exceptionally traumatic life- ive experienced no happiness- im 30 with borderline personality disorder.

ive never had friends...never been in a relationship...never been employed....never gained qualifications.....ive faced adversity through no fault of my own, all the way.

unfortunatly i made mistakes in my life and have a minor criminal record....a long mental health record.


and all the nice things i want in life i feel im deserved now...that i have it owed to me.

the things i want to do is: move back to europe from the uk, where iam now.....maybe back to france where im from..or elsewhere.
i know i canot move outside europe because of my record sadly...because originally it was australia or canada i wanted to go.
i want a nice home in a small rural, coastal village...money, a nice home...a loving partner...good friends..just a few...love, comfort, security.

but in no way do i want to work hard for it

just the thought of having to makes me angry...where im clenching my teeth.

what does anyone think ?

Answer 1

You have asked a very good question. I was diagnosed with BPD two years ago. I have often been "guilty" of the anger and frustration of which you speak - particularly where it concerns the uncomfortable mess that my life seems to be most days. I have often thought how unfair my life has been. I, too, suffered much at a young age (in my case: childhood sexual abuse, violence, alcoholic parents, etc.).

I agree that the results of bad circumstances early in life can leave us less than adequately prepared to handle the responsibilities of being adults. As a matter of fact, two years after my BPD diagnosis, I still get frustrated by how much there is to contend with as an adult. I still cannot manage relationships well. I still cannot earn enough money to care for myself adequately (hence, I stay in unhealthy relationships in order to sustain myself financially). However, I do know on an intellectual level that I SHOULD be able to take care of myself as an adult. NO, it is not fair that our beginnings have compromised so much of who we are (or, more importantly, who we COULD HAVE BEEN at this point in our lives).

But, don't despair. I think most people, even those who are not BPD, probably wouldn't mind life being easier to manage. However, nice things, on average, do not come EASILY for most folks. And for us, the very nature of BPD seems to be a propensity to need things to be easy – effortless, really. We are not unlike children in that regard. Children (under normal circumstances) take things for granted and expect life to be handed to them. They NEED to be cared for and to get things easily. They are CHILDREN, not adults.

Many BPD adults were forced to skip the part of our lives when things SHOULD have been given to us (not our fault). Now, as adults, we tend to want to live that part of our life anyway. It is a "Catch-22." We should have had it, we needed to have it - we keep trying to have it. It keeps us from being adults - chasing the part that we missed.

It is not WRONG that you want nice things and relationships with no effort. It is simply not LIKELY that it will happen for you like that. The reality of the world around us - the reality in which we exist - is that one normally has to work. We must work for money, work for relationships, work for a nice place to live, etc. It is rare that we just fall into a situation that will meet our needs entirely.

What has helped me cope with the frustrations of wanting things that don't seem to be appropriate has been getting guidance from a good therapist/counselor. It is sort of like a periodic reality check for me. If money is a problem, check your local public resources. Friends are hard to make/keep with BPD. However, it is not impossible. It has been my experience that my life is fraught with "drama" - whether I landed in it accidentally or created it on my own (usually, this is the case). Most non-BPD folks, it seems to me, don't like or appreciate the drama and therefore detach themselves from it in a hurry. Don't worry. BPD individuals can relearn more appropriate behaviors and thought patterns.

It has helped me to mimic people. NOT like a robot. But, I do watch how non-BPD people react/respond to similar situations that I am/have been in. It seems to help me temper my own responses. I am not saying to emulate them exactly. We are after all, individuals. However, it has been amply proven that BPD individuals do not always have the most appropriate reactions or thought processes to any given situation. Also, it helps to do research on BPD. Learning what we are dealing with sort of clears up some of the mystery. Also, stay in contact with some sort of support network. For instance, the associated chat rooms for BPD, etc.

I KNOW from personal experience how frustrating it is to be an adult compromised by BPD. Just remember, you don't think so differently from many of us. Our thinking, though, is usually considered a bit off, wouldn't you say? Adults without BPD NORMALLY have relatively stable employment. They have reasonably nice things and reasonably healthy relationships. We can get closer to WANTING to take care of our own lives with steady effort, self-education and support from others. Though it isn't EASY, it can be done. While I am not a wonderful example, I have read enough about the success stories to want some of it for myself. I have faith that you can, too. Ask yourself this question. Has WANTING your life to be handed to you sans the effort actually GOTTEN it handed to you with no effort? We can spend much of our lives being frustrated and wanting, my friend. I am 46 years old. I have wasted a lot of years (whether I knew better or not). The end result is the same. I hope you will stay connected and keep learning. Don't be hard on yourself about your thinking. It's classic BPD from what I can tell!

In sum, most of us would like the "nice home in a small rural, coastal village...money, a nice home...a loving partner...good friends..just a few...love, comfort, security" but it is rare in life that we get these things without working hard for them. For most of us, at some point, we begin to suspect that wanting these things without working for them simply isn't going to happen. It is what we do with that information that makes the rest of our lives better or not. Peace to you!

Answer 2

It sounds to me like you think the world owes you a living. There are a lot of us that didn't have the best situations thrown at us. Stop being so lazy. If you want nice things work for them. If not go live in a shack down by the river. But make sure the shack and the river don't belong to someone who worked hard for it.

Answer 3

Are you for real ? I had things that happen to me as a child and I grew stronger and I took control of my life and I'm proud of the things I've done ! If you let your past control your future you are never going anywhere in life . Everything is work > no one is responsible for you except you self Why in the world would anyone want to be with a person that has no pride or ambition You need to change and help yourself ! GET A BACKBONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

You know what? I don't want to have to work either. I think I will quit, and just stand here looking nice and people will just take care of me. I deserve it, by god.
After all, my mother died when I was a child, and my dad married a maniac to raise me.My step-brotehr molested me for 5 years and no one helped me.
I am angry that they don't just give me money. Dammit!
Instead they lived in a nice house, became millionaires and I didn't get any. Then they died and my drug-addicted step-brothers got all their money.
I want to live in a tiny coastal house, with money and a nice partner, but no way am I going to lift a finger to get these things--they are owed me, just for breathing.
By the way, I am depressed and overweight, so it is your fault, too. It is yoru problem-so get off your duf and take care of me, ok?
By the way, I have made mistakes, but I managed to raise 2 happy sons, and stay out of the legal system.
Grow the *&^up and take responsiblity for what you wANt out of life. If you don't, what is the possible outcome?
YOu will soon enough be 60 with borderline bs and a longer record and no one to take care of you.no9 one to live your life FOR YOU! You have to do it.Sorry.
I think you are ***-backward. Life is what you GIVE out-life is about being a beacon of love and acceptance-not gimmegimmegimme.
Life is about working for what you love-for the LOVE OF IT,
not for recognition or because it is owed to you.
NO ONE owes you anything. Your government, your church your family, nobody.
YOU owe yourself everything you think you are entitled to, and you are th eonly one who can get it for you. Even if you marry someone who will load you up-YOU are marrying a person who also needs things from you, and expects certain behavior. Welcome to planet earth.
Get busy, you have been wasting time, waiting to be rescued and YOU are your rescuer.
First thing, sober up. If you are self-medicating you are losing ground fast.
Then go get REAL counselling for whatever illness you may or may not have.
If you have to go on the dole to afford it, do that. As soon as you can, get a job that you can FEEL like you are making a difference. This can be a really outstanding waitress or a really outstanding janitor or teacher or doodad maker. The job doesn't matter so much as what YOU bring to it.
Next, GIVE what you want to get out of the world. You want a steady loving partner, be that.
You want a nice home-make your room, your shack, your bridge, your car, the best you can keep it. Neat, well-cared-for and attractive.
Be a good friend. Learn right now to say no politely, so you can stay quiet and unruffled.
Spend time alone and quiet everyday, dreaming and being content and happy where you are.
Be grateful for any small goodness in your life.
Build from where you are--a bridge-- to where you want to be.Dream big-even if you don't get there, you will get somewhere.
Absolutely stop living with a chip on your shoulder that you aren't going to work for what you want, be grateful you CAN work for what you LOVE.
Why should anyone else work your dreams.
I am busy living mine.
If you bring a loving heart to the world, your work is done. You love and appreciate what you get to do, it is not hard work.

Answer 5

You've created an oxymoron for yourself!

You want it all because you feel you deserve it, but you are unwilling to work for it.

The fact is, even if you had it all, you would not be happy because happiness is not created by the things we own or possess.

Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy, or you can wallow in un-happiness blaming it all on what has happened to you in the past.

I got news for you! There is not a thing you can do to go back and change what has happened to you in the past. You only have right now and the future to work with. Dwelling on the past will keep you from doing anything about right now, therefore your life is now like a broken record that keeps repeating the same verse over and over.

Nothing will happen as long as you allow the same thoughts to keep replaying in your head.

You must make a conscious decision to move beyond where you are right now. It starts by acknowledging that you can do nothing about the past and you need to forgive everyone and everything that has "wronged-you" in the past.

Then, you need to decide that you are happy with your present situation.( Remember, I said happiness is a conscious decision, not a goal.) When I get up in the morning, I have two choices. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be sad or angry. I choose to be happy!

Next, you need to practice being grateful. If you have a roof over your head, be grateful. If you have food to eat, be grateful. I heard one person say that when they first started being grateful, the only thing they could come up with to be grateful for, was the fact that they weren't dead.

As you practice gratefulness, you will start to attract positive circumstances into your life. As positive things start to happen to you, you can start adding those things to your list of things to be grateful for.

Eventually, you will have so much good happening to you that you won't have time to dwell on the negatives of your life!

The one undeniable fact of life is that you cannot get from where you are now to where you want to be without working for it. So, you have a choice there also. You can continue to wallow in your own self-pity and past experience, or you can move on and find your passion in life. Once you find your passion,( and everybody has one,) you can figure out a way to make your passion your life's work! When you make your passion your life's work, it no longer seems like work! You actually start enjoying the process of getting from where you are, to where you want to be.

I made this discovery by watching the DVD called "The Secret." You can experience it also! Just follow the link below to find out how you too can experience it!

Answer 6

Than how are you going to get the things you want? Unless you are born rich you have to work for things, that is life. I have family who have children, the children have to work on the farm. I fed hogs and raise calves, you don't get everything given to you. I have had a job for most of the 52 years I worked and I still work even after I have retired.

Answer 7

if you dont want to work hard for the nicer things then you don't have to but you also lose the right to complain about not having all those things and if you feel they are owed to you then it is only you that will suffer because no one else really cares about what you think you deserve.

so don't work hard, don't have nice things, complain about what you deserve and live a horribly unhappy life. its all about your choices and no one else really cares about people that make bad choices.

Answer 8

I'm 36 and recently diagnosed as BPD, too. I feel your pain in ways that words can't describe. My marriage of nearly 10 years is falling apart... probably over... as my wife is leaving just now as I discover my disorder. So as I say, I can feel your agony.

You've experienced little to no happiness because the BPD is in control of your life. It's been in control of me, too. And I hate to say it, but until you (and I) are able to manage it and take control of our own lives, neither one of us will ever feel satisfaction and happiness in this life.

You can move all over the globe, but you can't move away from yourself. The "hard work" you've done in the past has led you around in never-ending circles that bring you back to the same type of pain you had in the beginning. Find a new way to tackle the hard work, and hopefully... for you, me, and all of us... we will take back control of our lives and get to experience true happiness in this skin we're in.

Answer 9

there was a man who prayed every week of the last ten years of his life that the Lord would let him win the lottery.. he prayed for the riches that would come from winning and then he could be happy.. he prayed every week for those last ten years, but he never won the lottery... I guess some could blame the Lord for not fulfilling the prayer.. but the real blame belongs to the man.. you see, in all that time that he was praying to win the lottery.. HE NEVER BOUGHT A TICKET.. If you want something..you have to go get it for yourself.. and quit blaming everything else.. or at least.. GO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET..

Answer 10

Imagine someone living in Somalia, where food is not plentiful, you must walk 5-10 miles to gather dirty water...you duck bullets on a daily basis, you're covered with flies and your life expectancy is probably 35 because you'll likely contract malaria.

So you think your life was so hard...

Answer 11

Yes it is wrong! Not only that it is stupid!!
No one owes you anything.
We all want what you want.
Most of us won't get it.
The world is a tough place.
There are no free lunches.

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND DO SOMETHING B4 IT'S TOO LATE.
Do something about your anger problem b4 you end up in big trouble.