R&Sers, what would you do?

Question

Okay, I know this isn't a religious question, but I would like to hear from you all on this subject.

My sister is in a horrible marriage. Several months ago (probably close to a year now) she and her husband invited a friend of my sister's to share their home and their bed. (Not a smart decision, but not mine to make). This has lead to all sorts of problems. The main one being that her husband now has nothing to do with my sister and spends all of his time doting over this new woman. The new girl tried to leave the relationship at one point and when she said she would stay, she made my sister's husband chose between her and my sister. Needless to say, she's completely broken up about the whole situation. What would you all do to help her and comfort her. Obviously, she's leaving him (going to come stay with me, I'll have it no other way). But how do I help her get through it?

Don1, I am married. Happily so. My husband and I have had our fair share of trouble and pain, but through everything, he never treated me like I was less of a person (even when he had every right to). Honestly, I wish I could find someone like my husband for her. But I don't know if that's what she needs now.

You're all right. Her self-esteem is at an all time low. Since she was in high school she's been systematically broken; her spirit, her will, her resolve have all been slowly torn down by every man she's ever loved. I thought her husband would be different. And when they first married back in 98, he was different. But I'm not sure what happened. They moved to Alaska and he changed. She was no longer good enough for him and he made a point of making sure she knew it. Right now I want nothing more than to beat the ever loving snot of out both her husband and his whore. Is that wrong of me?

Allure, our father was warm, loving, and caring. Every week we took time to spend as a family (sometimes we read together, or played games or watched movies or went out, etc). Our daddy was very attentive. So i'm not entirely sure how that would tie in.

Answer 1

First , ... Listen and be a comfort .

Realize your sister probably has bi-sexual tendencies . ( I note this was a friend of your sister .)
SOME people who are bi-sexual have a less directed heterosexual drive . Meaning that their attitude ( sexual,social and romantic ) may cause somebody with a need for a very heterosexual attitude to become disappointed .
In regards to this , was the father figure 'distant' ( cold , very stern , on the road , deceased , etc.) while she was growing up ?
She might need some advice from a professional to examine her true identity and needs , and identify past difficulties that affect her current abilities to make choices .

Were their other problems in the marraige besides the effects of the menage' a trois ?
Was she overweight ,or have a low sex drive , or ??? these things need to be explored .

EDIT :::::::::
Your sister seems to have a "comfort Zone" when she is in a relationship witha man that is critical ( unhappy) of her , possibly being compared to other women . Did your father have a tendency to compare her , in an unfavorablr light to you ? Were you held up to her as a shining example that she had to strive to become ? Did she get her "fair share" of attention ( from him and/or your mom) by failing/disappointing and becoming unhappy and in despair ? This could be the pattern that she is continuing . I am not blaming your father . Many people just don't realize the family dynamics taking place . ( These dynamics were the basis of the problems with OJ Sompson's marraige even though her father was apparently loving and decent .)

Answer 2

Ow. You're probably doing the best thing just by giving her a place to recover and a willing ear to listen. The other woman sounds like the wisest of the bunch in her recognition of an untenable situation.

Do what you can about restoring her self respect. She may swing between thoughts of self-blame and revenge, neither of which is helpful to her. She should probably consult with a lawyer to see what legal recourse she has against his infidelity, but it won't help her spirit. And reassuring her of her beauty and attractiveness may not be the best thing either right now. A man is not the solution to her doubts. She is her own solution, so her self-worth needs to be reconstructed. A professional counsellor is probably a good idea. She's been dealt a serious blow, one that can't be undone. She's got to deal with it, turn around and move forward again. Keep letting her know how much you love and appreciate her, keep her connected to other, trustworthy people, and get her thinking about her options and capabilities. She has to keep her identity separate from her problem.

Answer 3

First, kudos to you for giving her a roof over her head.

Second, often the best support you can give someone for the first few weeks at least is to give them space and time.

She's probably feeling emotionally very vulnerable at the moment - just be there for her, listen if she needs to talk, advise only if she asks for it. Be her shoulder to cry on - but don't pressurise her into anything, let her work through this tragedy on her terms and in her time. That way, she'll gain back some of the empowerment and self-esteem that she's lost.

Answer 4

She made a big mistake. Now the situation is over and it is time to move on. She would be waisting everyone's time if she tries to figure out what went wrong and to whom to blame. Don't do it again and she will be fine. If she comes across someone who wants to do the same thing than that relationship is over. Go on to the next someone who doesn't believe in cheating in any form. Don't worry about starting all over again or losing everything. What ever you lose you can replace. If you wait to long you will have to replace even more.

Answer 5

She needs as much support as you can offer right now.

Sometimes the best lessons in life are earned, not learned.

I have friends in a similar situation, they have all been together for over 8 years and don't seem to have fallen into the same traps that your sister and her husband fell into.

She just needs to know that relationships are complicated and that more people involved equals more chances for strife.

Just be there for her and help her understand that life is complicated and that she has a new chance at love.

Answer 6

Wow. Rough question. Putting myself in your sister's situation, I think what I would mainly want for a while is just somebody to listen to me. Of course you sister isn't me and might need something more or less, but when I am in spiritual or emotional pain, what I mainly need at first is for my friends to hear my pain. Just to listen to me and not to offer platitudes: "Oh things'll be all right," "You're better off without him," "You'll come through this just fine, wait and see" are all true, but not what I needed to hear when I went through my divorce 4 yrs ago.

I was so grateful when somebody stopped patting me on the back and just listened to me. Do you think your sister is the same? Regardless, I'm thankful your sister has you. You seem like both a sister and a friend rolled up in one.

Answer 7

Decisions have consequences as your sister has discovered (although I have no doubt that the marriage was in trouble long before becoming a threesome). However all you can do at this point is be there for her when she comes to her senses and needs help to bail.

Answer 8

People never learn. Those sort of relationships always end up in tears.
Pretty your sister up a bit so she will feel a bit better and give her a lot of reasurance that she is really great.
She will, in time, need to know that not all men are total b@st@rds, so she can move on to a new and hopefully lasting loving relationship..!!

Answer 9

I agree that she needs nurturing for her self esteem. Ouch. I can hardly stand to think about how she must be feeling. It hurts just thinking about this happening to someone else. I can't imagine the pain SHE must be experiencing being the one burned by this.

Listen to her and encourage her as well as anything else you can think of to heal and raise her self esteem. It's going to be hard on you being her 'rock' through this so don't forget to take care of yourself as well so you have the strength to get through this with her.

Warm hugs and positive thoughts to you both.

Answer 10

They invited her into their bed?

Interesting. I would simply be there for your sister. Her self-esteem is probably suffering as well, so I would join a gym with her (working out increases endorphins, makes you feel more attractive, and of course makes you healthier), I would give her a day at the spa, and I would try to go out relatively often to nice places where you need to "dress up" a bit.