we've been dating for about a year and we love each other. We live together and spend most of what little free time we have with each other. However, lately she has been acting rather distant and she avoids having sex with me. I don't believe that she is cheating. I have no reason to think that. She told me that she feels pressured to sleep with me lately. Also that it feels like when i do sweet things, my only motivation is to get her into bed. This however is absolutely not true. I told her that the reason that I do these sweet things is to show her that I love her. I also said that sleeping together is another way that I show her how much I love her. Can anybody give me some advice or maybe a perspective on this one. Thanks.
2007-12-26 04:35:19 · 31 answers · asked by swany_wilde 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I understand your problem. Try going as long as you can without initiatiing sex with her. Do sweet things for her but maybe not as much. I know that sounds crazy but too much might make her feel crowded and suspicious as to WHY you're doing this stuff SO much. She might think that it has to be something more than just your feelings (regardless of whether or not that's true.) Show her that you're ok without sex for a little bit if THAT is what will make her feel loved and appreciated. You may be putting pressure on her without realizing it. She'll come around and she'll think it's sweet that you were so patient.
Also, if you try to explain yourself over and over again, it might make what you're saying lose value to her because you keep repeating it. Too much and she may just attribute you're explanations to you're desire for sex rather than your desire to give her peace of mind.
So take it a little slow, and don't lose your cool. Be calm and sensible and she'll appreciate that.
2007-12-26 04:46:47 · answer #1 · answered by DrDoctor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that her 'doubt' about you wanting to have sex with her (not sleeping together, but about SEX) is NOT the reason you are 'sweet' to her ... and then tell her that you want to take a 'two month' (up to six months) BREAK from having ANY sex ... UNLESS SHE WANTS IT. Do NOT ask for sex, nor do anything 'sexually enticing' toward her ... but tell her that she may entice you ONLY if she wants (or needs) to have sex. This will be 'equally difficult' for BOTH of you, but if you can do it, you will both find out much about yourselves, and about each other. You may 'break up' (if you are not truly loving) but you may get much, much closer. Many women are so tied up in 'giving sex to men' when the man wants it they are not even aware that they have 'needs' too ... or 'wants.' What YOU need to do is continue to be sweet, do little things for her (as I assume she does for you) ... she should realize that what is 'really bothering her' is that she 'thinks' she does sweet things for you out of love, but she 'thinks' that the only reason you do it is to 'get sex.' That's 'wrong thinking' due to lack of knowledge, and she's not to 'blame' any more than you are. Keep TALKING though, and talk MORE about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN while you are on this 'break' (and sleeping next to each other like twins, not sexual partners) and if you do it correctly, you will both be HAPPIER in the end, no matter the 'final outcome' ...
2007-12-26 12:43:58 · answer #2 · answered by Kris L 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do not know the full story, but if you couldn't give her things or have sex with her, how would you show her you loved her? Maybe she is not getting a feeling of real love, because sex and material items are not love.
Another thought...do you think about satisfying her when you are having sex? If so, how often. If you want someone to do something more often it should be enjoyable to them to be motivated to do it.
2007-12-26 12:42:37 · answer #3 · answered by suigeneris-impetus 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lay off on asking for sex but continue doing the sweet things. eventually she will see that they aren't correlated, I would also talk to her and find out why she is avoiding sex. It could be something as small as "I just don't feel that great lately" or "I have been really stressed" or something as big as "I just don't think we connect anymore" either way it will give you a starting point on fixing the real underlying issue
2007-12-26 12:41:33 · answer #4 · answered by KassiJ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to her about her feelings. what is going on in her life that she is pushing you away. Let her know that you love her and that if she does not want to have sex, that you still love her. Let her know that you want her to be happy and that by buying her the little gifts, this is the way you show her love and are trying to make her happy.
She may be going through a "thing" and just needs some space to work it out. let her do that. if you don't you risk pushing her away and losing her. do not become distant though, she still needs to know that you will be there if she needs or wants to talk.
2007-12-26 12:40:09 · answer #5 · answered by A new leaf... 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i can already tell that you are a young couple, and if you want my honest opinion, your time with her is up!! let her go, even if it hurts you. beleive me, if you stay with her it is going to cause you a lot more heartache than its worth. if she is finding an excuse now, in a few months she will be finding excuses to be away from you for a good part of the day. take the hint, save your pride and tell her to hit the road. she will respect you a lot more and also, she will see that she is the one that made the wrong choice, not you!!
2007-12-26 12:41:13 · answer #6 · answered by leolady0765 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is testing your marriage potential. She is finding out if you will continue to be interested in staying with her even after the frequency of sex inevitably drops off after marriage.
You're a lucky guy to be able to see what marriage will be like before taking the plunge.
2007-12-26 12:42:40 · answer #7 · answered by lunatic 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take it from a girl, the only way she (or any of us girls,) will ever understand that the things u are doing are honestly sweet, is if u back off and stop doing so much. this will give her a chance to realize how much she appreciates the things u do for her, esp when they stop!
YOU DONT know what u had till its gone
2007-12-26 12:44:01 · answer #8 · answered by whitcat711 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I guess that she is out of love with you and she is feeling guilty about it thats why.(she is not sexualy attracted to you any more)w8 for some months if she continues behaving this way then I'm afraid that I'm right!!!
2007-12-26 12:46:53 · answer #9 · answered by aida 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess you've got to def lay off of any pressure for a while to sleep together. Just continue to do all of the nice things you want to do for her, but don't make any attempts at sex. You've got to make her feel like you really appreciate her so she doesn't feel like there's any alterior motives to your actions. She just needs to see that what's motivating you to do sweet things for her is your love for her. Period.
2007-12-26 12:39:24 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋