How do I get my mother to change her Christmas "script"?

Question

Every Christmas, we follow the exact same routine. Christmas Eve, everybody has to arrive at the exact same time... the same annual neighbors and friends stop by and that ends exactly at the same time every year, my mother actually has small sleigh bells that she rings to signal people that it's time to leave. We sit around and sing the same carols and take turns reading that X-mas poem before going to bed. Then the next morning, at the exact time as always, we open gifts in the same order, then later eat the same food we do every year at 3:00, and my father tells the same stories about the "old days" every year, even though we all know them by heart by now.

I recently got engaged and my fiancee's family celebrates X-mas Eve more than X-mas Day. I told my mother that we would like to spend next X-mas Eve at her parents and drive up the next day, she freaked out and said I'm going to "throw everything off" and possibly "ruin it for everyone". How can I get her to accept small changes?

Answer 1

You may not get her to approve, but you don't need her approval to establish new traditions. Say something like My fiancee's family traditionally celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'd like both of us to enjoy the traditions of each family, so we will be going to her family for Christmas Eve, and we'll come here on Christmas Day for our family celebration. We can arrive by ----. Would you like us to come at a later time?

You also don't need to deal with this one year in advance.

Is there some other holiday before Christmas that you all celebrate? That's the one to think of -- and again, you don't have to bring it up more than a few weeks before the holiday.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Just let her know that your a part of his family too and that you have a responsibility to your husband to participate in family gatherings at his parents home also. Try to visit both places on the Eve yours in the am and his in the afternoon. You have to be assertive in your conversation to make her aware that this is how it will be from now on.
As for your family, I think having traditions and story telling is something you;ll miss when it's gone, so try to accept it and be glad your family has this. Its hard for your mom to let go of that, but you can make it easier if you tell her what your going to do and tell her well in advance. PLan, Plan, PLan and split the time.

Answer 3

You are now an adult so you let your mom know, in a calm voice, that you will be spending time differently and if that does not fit with her plans, you are sorry but that's your decision and it won't ruin anything for anyone. End of discussion. Don't feel guilty either, sounds like mom needs to have this old routine shaken up a bit anyway. I am glad you have the guts to realize it's time you don't have to participate any longer.

Answer 4

The way you get to change your mother's script is to not follow it and to not let her emotionally blackmail you into conforming.

This is a test to see if you are a grown up and ready to make grown up choices. You are no longer your mother's little boy who is seeking her approval. You are now a grown up man with a life of his own.

inform her that things will change because you now have a fiancee and have to split the holidays so she gets to see her family as well. Things will change when you are married and when you have children, you will probably stay in your own home to have Christmas morning there.

Answer 5

You get her used to the idea through out the year.

As you and your new OOPs wife start a life together you will start creating Christmas traditions of you own. Mom may have some anxiety about it, EDIT* but if your own traditions and Christmas's , you will have to be firm in your decisions.

After a few years of your own traditions, you'll look back at your family(parents) Christmas's with joy, and remember the good ole days and laugh at Mom's rigid ways.

Be firm and be kind.

Answer 6

Develop and give here ideas. Remind her that you are part of this Christmas celebration too and that you should be able to go to a friends house on Christmas Eve. Why shouldn't you. Maybe she fears that you will enjoy a different approach to here strict routine.

Answer 7

It goes back to 15th century Spain. In the old days, scribes took down all kinds of documents by hand, using a quill (feather) pen and ink. They developed a species of shorthand called "processal chained writing", meaning that all the words and symbols were hooked together, requiring a minimum of lifting the pen and stopping. Basically, you could just draw your pen straight across the page, only stopping to dip it when it began to dry. Some of the most common abbreviations were those applied to proper names. Among these was the substitution of a cross ("cruz" in Spanish) for "Cris" in names like Cristobal (Christopher in English) and Cristo. Cristo (Christ) was written with a cross followed by "to"--Cruzto instead of Cristo. (Christopher Columbus signs his name on original documents using this abbreviation of a cross followed by the other letters: "(Cross)toforo"). Over time it simply became easier and faster to substitute an X for a vertical cross, as it could be linked to the other letters. In a very real sense, this places the Cross of Christ in the middle of the Christmas celebration. Not X-mas as in "X it out" but Cross-mas! Because after all Jesus' birth would be nothing special if He had not gone to the Cross to die for the sins of all. By putting the Cross in Christmas, we are reminded of why He came. Many babies were born in Israel that year, only Jesus died and rose again. Merry Cross-mas!

Answer 8

Dont change the program just because 'you can'. If you dont have a reason to change the program then just go along with it. Does your inlaws have a similar routine tradition that conflicts in schedule with your mom's routine? If so, thats a good reason. If it aint broke dont fix it. These routines is one of the things that makes us different from the animals. You cant give her enough money to replace the thrill she gets by sitting around at christmas time and counting her children
folk. thats my take on it. Aks yourself "do I have or dont I have a good reason to exersize my power and authority to do something different?" If your mom is doing that routine just to prove she still has power, then you are right, it needs to be broken and changed to show her that she doesnt have that kind of control. but what if she is not doing it for control reasons? what if its pure, harmless nostalgia? should we change something that is harmless?? you change things that harm in some way. not the harmless

Answer 9

You won't get her to accept it. You can only get her to adapt to it against her will (which is okay). Inevitably, she will have to deal with changes in her routine whether she likes it or not, because life doesn't stay the same. It sounds like she has a compulsion about Xmas traditions and everyone caters to it. They will thank you for breaking it up and maybe others will follow suit.

Answer 10

You enjoy a vey good traditional Christmas with your family and if you girlfriendwishes to join you, all the better. Just remember; the girl goes to the boy. It would not be wise to let her pull you from your family. Did you ever think of inviting her parents?