How would this e-mail sound?

Question

I wanted to send an e-mail to my ex-husband and his mother asking them to spend less time on the phone with my daughter.

She is 15 and came her to live with me about 5 months ago. However, she is not as focused on her studies as she should be and spends time on the phone with her Dad and grandmother.

Now her grandmother has a cell phone and this is another attraction for her since she can call her for free. (mobile to mobile minutes)

My mom, her and I went shopping on Monday for things for our apartment, etc. My daughter did not take any interest in the shopping and instead went to the front of the store and talked to her Dad and grandmother on the phone.

When we came back from shopping, she also spend about 1/2 hour on the phone with her Dad. They both live in another state.

I want to send an e-mail saying - "Please limit the time you spend on the phone with our daughter. She should focus on school and the ACT exam."

I don't want to offend them.

Answer 1

This situation has nothing to do with her father and grandmother. The situation has to do with you being a parent and having a child living with you and adjusting to a new lifestyle.

She has a cell phone that can be easily taken away. However, I would encourage you to sit down and talk to her about appropriate times and amount of time to talk to her father and grandmother. It wouldn't fair to cut her off completely, but rather limit her phone usage.

I don't need to talk to people on the phone every single day. I am fine with talking to people for 10 minutes every other day. She will survive and be fine, but she may be upset at first. She can adjust. I would say, a certain time for 15 minutes, once a day or what ever works between YOU and your Daughter!

Answer 2

First I would talk to your daughter. Ask about her feelings and concerns as far as living with you, how she is missing her father and grandmother, and if there is anything you can do to help relieve her fears or feelings of homesickness, after all 5 months is not a long time and it can be a major transistion to move at 15. Then set up some rules concerning phone time. Tell her that you understand that she misses her family, friends, and etc., but due to her needing to focus on her studies, you feel that for a couple of months that she needs to limit her phone calls to say four 15 minute calls a night during the week and then only after she has done her homework and eaten supper and whatever chores she may have. Do not say anything specific concerning wanting to limit the time she talks to her father and grandmother just include them in general with her friends, that way she will not become offensive, and yes, I would email the father and explain it to him but in the same way. Your are not trying to stop them from talking but you have put a limit to her calls during the week to her family and friends so that she can focus on her studies. Above all be polite and do not point fingers. Just explain about her going through such a transition with the move and everything you just think that it is best for a couple of months or so. After a couple of months then it will probably be routine enough that she won't ask any questions about it.

Good luck with this as I know how difficult things like this can be.

Answer 3

Trust me, talking on the phone is not the problem here. She just moved to live with you 5 months ago! She is homesick, living with someone who is unfamiliar with her and her entire life has been turned upside down. OF COURSE she wants to reconnect with something and someone who is familiar.

You don't say why she is now living with you, but you need to talk to her about how she feels about the change. Let her know that you understand that this has been a major change for her and that talking to her dad and grandmother is comforting.

Tell her that you don't want to separate her from them (even if you do, this is not the right time to deal with that) but that you are worried that she isn't giving the new place a chance and focusing on her school work. I would also call her father and instead of being accusatory and telling them not to talk to her, tell him also that you understand that she is using the phone calls to him as a security blanket. Ask him to help you work out some sort of protocol for talking to him.

Work with him and your daughter to work out appropriate times and length of time for them to be on the phone. If you all work it out together, you aren't the bad guy taking her away from her dad. Look at everything you can do to make her more comfortable with the change and with where she is. Give her time - 5 months is not long at all to deal with everything.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Why don't you talk to your daughter about this, she will benefit more if she's confronted with her priorities. As well, it needs to be addressed that she is ignoring you and your mother for them. That can not feel good.

If talking to her is not an option (as can be the case with teenagers), then word the e-mail as if you are worried about her phone use in general, not specifically alluding to them being the major factor. Mention that her school work is being affected. Maybe even ask for suggestions. They'll appreciate being part of the solution.

If they are attentive, they will not only limit the time they spend on the phone with her, but will ask about her school and her grades more often, which will dull any child's desire to talk to any parent to such excess.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I think you need to expand on this and give them more information. They may not realize how much time they jointly spend on the phone with her.
Keep a record for a few days so you can at least give them a ballpark figure about the time.
Since you are the parent, seems you could/should set some ground rules with your daughter. If she is going to live with you then you have to be the parent, not the friend.

Answer 6

Make a schedule for what you daughter has to do when she gets home like chores and homework. Then she can have an hour to talk to her father and grandmother after her responsibilities. You need to be a mom and not worry about hurting her feelings. She needs authority and once you have set ground rules with your daughter then you can address everyone else. I would suggest that you ask for support and not be so defensive. Maybe you can request that they ask about her homework and exams.... to help for her future to better her life. Goodluck.........

Answer 7

You do not need to be regarded as the human wedge.
Your ex and his mom are part of your daughter's support group.
This really should be handled on your daughter's end.
You need to spell out the rules for the use of the cell phone:
not during classes, and not during study time. After dinner, when it is time to study, the phone has to be turned off so she can have quiet time.

Answer 8

First of all, you should be happy that your daughter has such a good relationship with them. You need to focus your time and energy on your daughter. Why do you think she talks to them so much? It's probably because she's getting something emotional from those conversations that's she's simply not getting from you. Your lack of interest in dealing directly with her concerning this problem speaks volumes of your disinterest in her and her life. Maybe the two of you should think about some family counseling. Stop blaming your issues on others.

Answer 9

I would talk to your daughter... because if all the sudden her dad and grandma stop calling... she will feel horrible... When you talk to your daughter.. .don't single her dad and grandma out... just say stuff like... homework comes first... limit to 30 minutes of phone time a night except on the weekends... and when you guys go out the phone stays home..... Because if you tell them not to call, they are going to feel like you are trying to take away their grand/daughter.... so just set general "phone rules"... she will be mad at first but.... and if you want to tell the dad and grandma that you set general rules thats fine so that gives them a heads up... but don't single them out. good luck