How do you deal with with family you don't think like you?

Question

I have a big inkling that my fiance aunt hates me. Seriously...I hate it when I think about his aunt not liking me...I mean, she offered to pay for the invitations to be re-printed because
a. the date wasnt on one line
b. our wedding website was on the invite
c. there was not a comma where she thought there should be (We used verse off of a different wedding website, and there IS NO COMMA!)

She made a comment to my fiance's mom about not having enough matching stuff on our registry...

AND
I work today, the day after Christmas, my fiance's uncle was having a family get together today...well I would've been able to go because it was at four and i get off work at five...
well his mom told us yesterday "theres been a time change and I think my sister had something to do with it"
Now i can't go because it's at 11 AM...

I honestly feel like she hates me and is doing whatever she can to make it hard on me...I wanted to go so bad to the family gathering...

I don't want to sound like a brat, but i love family gatherings, we didn't have any when I was growing up :(

i might be paranoid your right...but i love family and I love his family even his aunt....my fiance tells me it's because she was the oldest and she's the 'mother figure'
and she tells me everything I want to do is wrong! i don't like it :(

happy2be
they should know me by now, I've been with my fiance for two years and i've known them all that long!

Sunshine--I'll see her all the time...she's close with his mom....
i've not said anything and anything i've said to her it's been nice cause i don't like to start stuff....and it just makes me feel small when she tells us stuff...

Answer 1

I can sympathize. My MIL is the Alpha female of her family as well and I am also an Alpha female so we clash constantly.

And because she is the A-dog of her family, she kind of shaped everyone's opinions of me from the start. She was not thrilled with the match of me with Chris, especially after seeing the gems that his cousins were bringing home, these girls were doling out hugs and kisses to everyone on the first meeting and were all about joining their family, not me. I have my own family, I am not going to be calling anyone that isnt related to me by blood mom, and that really bothered my MIL. That I wasnt going to be pushed around really made it a vicious situation for me whenever I walked into the lions den, which was her home.

Its obvious that this woman is feeling threatened by you, you are disrupting her family harmony where she is allowed to call the shots, by your refusal of her "advice" (and I use the term loosely) about your invites, a line has been drawn in the sand and its so unfortunate that she has made it an either/or situation for Jason and his family. My suggestion would be to go about your business, dont cow tow to anyone, especially her, it will take some time, but she will eventually get the message that the family dynamic is changing and that she no longer is top dog around the joint and she will have to adjust herself accordingly. Just remember that you are doing nothing wrong, you are just trying to join the family, not hijack it. Keep your chin up and remember to never say anything to anybody, that can easily go wrong and you could turn out looking not so nice. Most importantly though, dont make Jason feel like he ever has to choose between you and his family, I know thats the hardest thing to do, but it will make things alot easier on both of you, if you just smile and go about your business instead of constantly complaining to him to fix things.

Good luck, it will get better, I promise, its just going to take some time.

Answer 2

I think maybe his aunt is too controlling. That does not mean that she does not like you. From what you have said about her being the "motherly" type-to me that just means she is bossy and likes things her way-like many mothers. She feels that she knows best and that others should listen to her. I think having such a strong personality you need to be thick skinned to deal with her or else she will walk all over you.

Does she like you? I don't know, but I wouldn't assume the worst. I don't know either of you well enough to make a decision based on what you have said. As far as the invites go, she probably just wanted perfection and tradition. Many people feel you should not advertise your wedding website, many people also have opinions that aren't worth much. If you are happy with how your invitaitons turned out then tell her nicely you appreciate the offer to pay for new ones but you don't need to decline it. Your registry is yours, it can have matching stuff or not who really cares? If she cares that much about your dishes matching the bowls and your towels matching the washclothes then she needs to find a new hobby! Seriously, that is very minor and petty for her to bother with it!!!

Now this family gathering, maybe she did influence the time change-but maybe other people have plans and need to leave early?

What does your fiance think about this situation? How close is he with his aunt that it does or should even matter? Will you see her often or just at family functions one getting married? Some family members need to be taken with a grain of salt and you really shouldn't let their strong, overbearing, annoying ways upset you. Your man's family has dealt with this woman their whole lives, she is probably just looking for some new blood. Keep a smile on your face and be nice to her. There isn't much else you can do with out confronting her about how she has upset you.

Edit:
I think people like her feel better about themselves if they make others feel bad. Some people have done it all their lives and no one ever confronted them about it-she could be in that same boat. If everyone let her act this way then unfortunately you are stuck with her. I would bet she wouldn't change her attitude if you did talk to her about how she makes you feel. It is sad you feel she is making you feel bad, and will have to see her quite often for the rest of your life. I'm sure she really doesn't have any reason to dislike you or have bad feelings against you. If it is just her personality to make you feel belittled then maybe Jason can talk to her so you don't need to be directly involved or the two of you. If it were me, I would try to always find kind words for her then she really wouldn't have any reason to dislike me. As much as i hate when people say it to me, it does work "kill her with kindness." I know it always feels weird when you aren't sure if someone likes you or not especially when they are (or will be) family, she may just be a tough crowd to please and take some patients on your part.

Answer 3

Aww. She may be trying to help, and it might be the only way she knows how to help. Some people are weird like that. If I were you I would just be as nice as possible and just give it time. Just remember, you're marrying HIM and yes, his family is part of the package, but I wouldn't worry about Auntie too much. I think everyone will understand that you wanted to be at the gathering but you had to work! Good luck girl, and just be happy with your HTB! :)

Answer 4

My sister-in-law (husband's brother's wife) dislikes me very much. Sometimes it can be difficult to deal with such as on Christmas Eve she made it a point to enthusiastically greet my husband and totally ignored me as I stood by his side. She also is starting to scrapbook and brought a camera to the gathering to take pictures and made it a point to NOT take my picture (not that I wanted it taken anyway, but...) When I smile at her I get scowls back. When she opened the gifts we gave her, she kinda looked at them, gave a halfhearted "thanks" and tossed them aside while "ohhing and ahhing" over everything she got from her husband and mom and dad. I think she is insecure and envious of the time I spend with my mother-in-law. Before I was married she was the one who got all of mom's attention and she doesn't like sharing. So, sometimes it is difficult to deal with, but I will still enjoy my time with the rest of his family. I figure I can't make everybody like me so I'm just not going to worry about it.

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about the rotten aunt. In my family after listening to non-stop insults and feeling constantly hurt : age 10-20, I finally flipped it back at them. Told them all to go F()CK themselves. Haven't spoke to any of them since, I'm 44. Some people will always suck. You can 'try' to reason with them till your blue in the face but after awhile you'll realize : they just suck. Look at it this way 'aunty' will croak sooner or later. Try talking to 'it' that doesn't work, flip her one.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like she's difficult, but may not necessarily hate you. I would listen to her comments, filter them so you can react to what you think needs to change (based on her suggestions) and ignore what you think doesn't need to change, and carry on with the wedding as planned, and the rest of your life.

If she hates you, she's at a loss. Why hate? One's feelings of hatred are a terrible expense of energy, and a big source of negative energy for the rest of us.

Answer 7

You are not paranoid, she is just an evil hag. Try to spend some personal time with her alone. If she doesn't like you, then she is missing out on knowing a great person- too bad for her!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

sounds like to me your being paranoid, i understand you have alot on your plate getting ready for yalls big day just relax a bit, everything will work out i feel like alot of people in my family dont like me either, but the truth is, there isnt anything they wouldnt do for me, so just chill give em all a chance to get to know you, and there will be all kind of family get-2-gethers youll see

Answer 9

Ignore her. Love her like you usually do, and just realize that its your Aunt being her usual self.

Don't change your invitations! They are perfectly fine (if its your question I remember, don't change them!).

Answer 10

well my hubby's sister doesn't like me. I just ignore it. I let him deal with his nasty sister. I don't talk to her, and I keep our children away from her at family gatherings. She did it to herself. Good Luck.