I come from a well to do family and I have my own business and am good with managing my money. He has kidney failure and keeping his head above water with his now 2yr old kidney transplant. He professes to love me a great deal and has worked on trying to get us a house and be a provider but things haven't been going as planned. His suggestion is that we marry soon, he loves me and we've been together a long time and have been inserparable nontheless. The thing standing in our way is no expenses for a wedding or a ring. On the otherhand he doesn't want me to feel like I'm settling. The things I would preper, he is not able to provide. A lot contributed to his sickness. We have our share of problems. I was concerned of what others would think of me. Just 2 days ago, he ended our relationship. He said he understood that right now he just couldn't provide what I would be comfortable with and he also wants God's approval on his lifestyle and 2yr of this have past. I am so hurt
2007-12-26 00:56:59 · 24 answers · asked by k mICHELLLE 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
You don't need a ring... heck you can buy a gold band for $10.00. But you both need to sit down and talk this out.... marrying someone who is sick is a big deal and shouldn't be taken likely or at god's will. You don't need a wedding or a ring if you really love him but how long are the doctor's giving him to live?
2007-12-26 01:01:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
Aaahhh... firstly, I don't really know you, or him, so anything I might say might not be very pertanent to your situation, or even might be insulting.
From the way you wrote that little bit and the feeling I got from reading it, I would say don't marry him.
But I have a few questions...
1) Is he very religious? re: God's approval thing...
2) Are you very religious?
3) How old are you both?
4) Where does his family come in all this?
OK, here is my answer based on all that I know and don't know...
Unless he is still terribly sick and bedridden, it sounds like he's still using the kidney thing as an excuse... I know people who have had transplants and lived on to do great things, even though they still had to take a tonne of medication everyday for the rest of their lives.
If he really wanted God's approval on your 'lifestyle' (I'm assuming you mean you live together, and maybe are already having pre-marital sex?) then he wouldn't have gone down that road with you and would already have married you a long time ago, or would have just not have had sex with you yet. Did you know that he felt that way before you had sex?
Did he work before he got sick? Did you know him before you got sick? I don't want to upset you, but is there any chance at all that it could be some kind of con? or he wants your families money?
The bottom line is, if you really love him and want to marry him, and he really loves you and wants to marry you, then al that other stuff doesn't matter about money and wedding rings. I know a couple who were so desperate to get married (these are the most in love people I have ever met) they couldn't afford a house, so they moved into his parent's basement, even though she hates his mother with a vengeance (she is evil, I have met her lol). The other thing is, what if you were just engaged, but didn't live together until after the wedding. Would he be willing to wait to live with you (cos of his religious thing) for another year or two, or more, until you could sort out a house or a living arrangement.
If he really loves you for you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he would be willing to wait to live with you until one or both of you can afford a house and money for a wedding.
If you don't care about a big wedding, then it wouldn't cost much, just a minister and church fee, maybe some food and a simple dress.
I'm sure that you have already made many sacrifices for him, and probably will make many more if you stay together... ask him what he is willing to sacrifice to be with you?
Who pays for what doesn't matter, as long as he is not taking you for a ride and marrying you for money. When you're in love it's hard to see straight. Ask your friends and the people who know you two best what they think of this situation, if you are willing to listen to their answers.
Finally, ask yourself if you're sure this is the man you want to be with forever? There is always another love waiting for you, unless this is the one that you want.
All the best x x
2007-12-26 09:17:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
My husband was in college when we were planning our wedding I paid for everything . He wasn't working and with all his student loans couldn't afford to help! You don't need to worry what other people will think as long as you to love each other that's all that matters. Something that my husband and I talked about was just getting the wedding bands no engagement ring . There are several types of wedding bands that are not at expensive. There are alway ways to get around things !! Also you don't have to have a big wedding. Just invite close family and friends and have pick ups at the reception. Weddings don't have to cost thousands and thousands of dollars. If I can help in anyway let me know!
2007-12-26 16:28:54 · answer #3 · answered by edearp06 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who says he must be the provider. There are many good relationships that the woman makes more money than the man. I think you should look all things before going ahead. It sounds like he has health problems that can lead to money problems and maybe an early death. Marriage is a sharing experience and what he goes though in some ways will effect you and some may be long term like financial. Take a good look at all aspects and if you truely love him you'll make the right desision.
2007-12-26 09:09:19 · answer #4 · answered by seekingwidow 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
no one can tell you what to do. we've not been in this situation. some thoughts i had on it are....I think there is nothing wrong with you buying a ring/paying for wedding. I just wonder if long term, will you resent having to be the "provider"? Are you really prepared for the worse in the promise of "for better or worse"? My husband became very sick right after we got married, it doesnt matter how much you love someone, its hard.
You said that he had broken off the relationship? I think you are going to have to wait for him to resolve issues he has with the situation.
My philosopy has always been that i can make myself miserable, i dont need someone to add to it. Time apart can really help sometimes.
2007-12-26 09:05:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sweetheart, you have a very large and generous heart and that is a blessing. However, if this wonderful man cannot even afford to get you a simple, simple ring [and some of them are very inexpensive these days] and he cannot afford to take you to the Justice of the Peace in order to make things right with you, then how in the world do you expect him to take care of you when you're pregnant, or when your first child is born, or when YOU have a medical emergency, which we all do from time to time? I'm sure he loves the fact that you have the money that he doesn't and I'd be worried that he's using this to keep you right where he wants you. Do not for any reason buy your own ring. A man who truly loves you will go to a flea market if he must and buy you an antique ring from Aunt Pearl's leftover estate before he would ask you to buy yourself your own ring. There is one word for him: mooch. Sorry. I know he's sick and all, but you better look at the big picture before you find yourself paying for him and his new girlfriend's honeymoon cruise someday. If you are his sole support, you'll be paying big when he falls out of love and wants a divorce.
2007-12-26 09:02:51 · answer #6 · answered by Sassie 6 · 8⤊ 1⤋
Until I read the part about him ending the relationship I planned to encourage you to marry him ring or not because marriage is about love and commitment, not a little piece of gold. Now my advice to you is to get over him and find a man who will stay with you no matter how much money either of you has. We are out here looking for a woman like you...
2007-12-26 10:32:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have every reason to feel hurt and betrayed by your boyfriend who doesn't seem to grasp that your being together, whether married or not, is about your love for one another and not a game for you to find that person who will best provide for you financially. However, I am willing to give your boyfriend a small pass because his health issues may have made him so despondent as to have caused him to think and act irrationally.
So what are you going to do? It seems to me that this would be a good time to speak to a mental health professional or a priest/pastor/rabbi and have him/her hear your side of the story. You need to get some feedback on how you have handled things, and how you should handle the future of this relationship. You don't need to have this entire burden on your shoulders, so share it with people who care about your well being. With any luck, you may be able to convince your boyfriend to participate with you in an honest attempt to sort things out and determine whether you have a future together. He owes you this much, in my opinion, on the grounds of fairness and decency. Because what he has just done to you seems cruel and unjustified.
Good luck. Be a businesswoman for now and get this resolved for your own sake if not his.
2007-12-26 09:18:23 · answer #8 · answered by TK 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It's okay if you pay for the ring, and other things as well. The thing about marriage is it's a partnership. You have to look at it like you two are teammates, you're in it together. If one has, then the other one has. Once you're married it's no longer "my money", or "your money", it's "our money". Now, him being a man this may be difficult to swallow at first. But trust me, if you talk to him and convince him that you think no less of him, and this is something you want to do, he'll come around. Let him know that if you married someone else for money instead of love, then you would feel like you were settling. Good luck!
2007-12-26 09:02:31 · answer #9 · answered by KN21212 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Your honey wouldn't need to marry you now, if there is so much going on, why not wait for things to settle down? That way you'd have a more pleasant wedding. Why should you be hurt? Sorry if it sounds rude but he loves you so much, I dont see why you should be upset. God has his plans for the both of you, and you have to work it out together.
Best of luck!<3
2007-12-26 09:05:21 · answer #10 · answered by celine>:P 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋