Am I being selfish for wanting a 'real' wedding?

Question

I got married in February in the courthouse...the witnesses were two friends of my husband's whom I did not know at the time (but since have become good friends with). We had a small reception afterwards, no honeymoon.

Is it selfish of me to want to do a real wedding? I know we can't afford it; we're tight on money just trying to get a better car. He's in Iraq right now (since October), but he said when he gets back we can have a 'wedding' (renewal of vows) ceremony, but he told me to plan all the details and I am trying to save money for it, but he keeps spending money in ridiculous amounts on things he has absolutely no need for, nor do I, and isn't sticking to the financial plan we had agreed on. I don't think he really meant it when he said we would have a ceremony.

I feel cheated out of a wedding and honeymoon...should I just get over it, or are these feelings reasonable?

Answer 1

The feelings are reasonable and natural....but your husband doesn't seem to respect them. You have that part right. If having this big renewal was as important to him as it is to you then he would be sticking to your financial plan. You need to sit down and work out this problem NOW. Considering the man is on the verge of death every day as an active soldier I can understand that things like flowers aren't in the forefront of his mind....he'd rather have a distraction now from the situtation.

This is bigger than you just wanting a wedding. What happens when you want to buy a house and he can't keep his wallet closed? Do you two match up on what you think is "ridiculous"? Maybe $100 isn't that much to him but for you it's a big deal. Financial issues are the number one reason for divorce so don't let this problem grow any bigger and get on the same page. Perhaps you can do what my HTB and I do. Every month I withdraw an "allowance" in cash from the account for each of us. We can save it or spend it on whatever we want but when the allowance is gone then we are out of luck with extra money until the next withdrawal.

On a side note I think you should not "get over it" but you should probably delay your vow renewal for something like the 5th anniversary. Having a "real" wedding is great for sure but things like a home and reliable transportation will serve your future much better in the long run. Just because you got married at the courthouse doesn't mean you are any less married and comitted than a couple who spent a few hundred thousand, so please don't ruin your marriage or cause extra stress just because you have to live up to somebody else's standards.

Answer 2

I sort of agree with the others, but a few people are over simplifying it a bit. And this is the gray area only you can answer for yourself. If you're comfortable knowing that those closest to you are disappointed in missing your big moment, then go. This is why people elope, because there's no denying there's a romantic vibe about it! But, even if your parents are threatening to not come (which is childish and manipulative) they are still your parents. Can you handle depriving them of watching you exchange vows? Some people can't, and that's not wrong. They'd FEEL selfish, even if they aren't. Only you know whether this would be an issue for you. The one thing I do know is that having another ceremony, or some kind of celebration party when you get back, is not a substitute for watching you get married, so it shouldn't be offered as a consolation prize. They either see you become a married woman, or they don't. Just think it through. There's all sorts of compromises, like having a very small wedding at home and then doing the Italy thing, if you decide you want your closest family there. It doesn't have to be lavish. But if your heart is set on what your fiance planned, then go with that.

Answer 3

Good suggestions from other posters. The part that bothers me isn't yet clear, and maybe you don't have the right data, either.

The part that seems dodgy is his spending money on stuff that is outside your agreement. How does this work? How can he spend money in Iraq?

Seems to me, money is going to be a problem for you two. If he agrees to something, then unilaterally changes it, this couldn't be right. What we tell you here is valid as far as what we think. But what matters is what you feel.

If your feelings include being "cheated" out of a wedding and you resent him spending "ridiculous" amounts of money, your problems are greater than we can resolve here. Have you thought about seeing a professional counselor? A counselor might help you overcome your negative feelings or you might find a way to influence his behavior from long distance Good luck and have a great New Year!

Answer 4

I understand your feelings- but if money is tight, you will be much better served by spending it on your family instead of a big party. Taking a honeymoon is a great idea, you deserve that, especially since you're apart right now.

Definitely get to a marriage counselor to work out the money issues now. It does not get any easier to resolve these problems as time goes on. It sounds like you resent him for "cheating" you out of material things- if that's the case, you are headed for disaster. Get it worked out now while you still can.

Answer 5

I can understand how you would feel that way. Maybe you both should just have the honeymoon of your dreams. Especially since he is in Iraq....he could really use a nice vacay after all of that. Have a little reception re-do in someone's backyard and use the money you guys saved for your trip! =-) Also, as far as him spending....just tell him whatever he spends on "frivolous" things, you will place the same amount he spent into savings for your trip. Good luck!

Answer 6

I do not think you're being selfish at all for wanting a real wedding with your friends and family. However, I think that since your husband is in Iraq right now, the thing to focus on is his safe return home. If he wants to spend money on crap and it will make him feel better about his situation, I say let him. Then worry about the wedding later.

Answer 7

I think your feelings are valid because every woman wants to have a "real" wedding. What I would be concerning about is that he is not respecting you when he is out spending money, when he is supposed to be saving. I don't think that he really wants a wedding and you should stand your ground and tell him that this wedding is really important to you and he should be doing his best to help you plan it, even if he is in Iraq.

Answer 8

What about having a renewal ceremony on your anniversary? You already had a wedding, just not the wedding of your dreams. Remember, the wedding is just 1 day, the marriage is for the rest of your life.

Answer 9

You are married, that WAS your real wedding.
You two just need to concentrate on your marriage, and you should be supporting your warrior husband! A mature woman wouldn't even SAY she was 'cheated', after all, you got your man!
Wait til you're married 10 years and have a vow renewal, which is NOT 'another wedding', but rather a lovely ceremony with a dinner and an anniversary party.

Answer 10

my fiance and i have been together for 11yrs, and we will soon be married...we plan on going to the courthouse to get married...when we got together years ago, i wanted the "real " wedding, too, but as time passed on i realized that any wedding with the man you love is all that matters. there's no sense in going into debt just to say i do...be thankful that you are married, and one day you two be able to wake up next to each other every morning knowing that you married the love of your life. dont stress over your man spending habits, okay..let him spend what he wants while he's away because it probably takes his mind off of things...love him and support him..you have a brave man fighting for this country..dont stress the man out because he has bigger things to worry about like his LIFE.have a merry christmas :)