Wedding dispute with phobic mother What to do?

Question

My fiancee and I have looked at a dozen wedding sites and finally found one we loved. Throughout the ordeal my mother and her father were putting in there two cents non stop about where they wanted it. The place we chose is phenomenal and my finacee's parents loved it too. The place does not compare to any other. Keep in mind my girls parents are paying for most of it.

My mother who is agoraphobic doesnt like the place we picked because of a few reasons. Basically she is phobic and does not think she can handle the place. She complains about everyhwere we picked more or less so we didnt think there was any serious issue until now. My fiancee is in tears almost every night with this predicament. She wants this place badly, and I dont want to pick between her and my mothers hapiness but i would definitely pick my future wife. Either way one will resent the other. My feeling is my mom will have to figure it out. take some valium or something to calm her. Its mostly t What to do?

Answer 1

I've been a groom's mother. Please listen carefully. You are right in everything you say. However, don't get your fiance into a discussion with your mother over this. It's YOUR responsibility to talk to your parents privately.

Ask them for a time when the three of you can sit down together and discuss things you need to talk to them about regarding the wedding. If home is more comfortable, that's awesome. Simply give them an update on the current plans, etc. In the middle of this "update" tell them that your fiance's parents, she and you have decided that you want the wedding to be at this particular venue. If (or when) your mother starts worrying, LISTEN to her. Acknowledge her concerns. ("That makes sense. I see what you mean. hum.......... let's see........I have an idea. What if the three of us visit the venue together and look around to see what it's like. I can call and make an appointment.") When she continues to tell you things that make you realize she's worried about being in an uncomfortable place, just assure her that it will be wonderful. Explain that everything will be taken care of so that the parents will have special seating, etc. She needs to understand that someone will be telling parents what to do, and where to sit. She won't have to make any decisions on how to behave. If you can get her to understand this without being condesending, she'll be on your side. Give her some time and space to think. I think she'll come around. Meanwhile, go ahead and book the venue. The bride's parents want it and they're footing the bill. It's their call. Just be gentle with your mom. It'll be okay!

Answer 2

First, it is not your or you fiancee's fault that your mother is agoraphobic. It's also not your mother's fault. But she does have to take responsibility for finding a solution that allows her to attend the wedding you and your fiancee want to have. I strongly recommend that she see a doctor who could prescribe some anti-anxiety medication that would help her. The sooner she does this the better as she has time to adjust to the medication and try a few different ones if the first one isn't the right one for her. She also will be able to live a normal life sooner. If she refuses to seek medical help, then it's completely out of your hands, and neither you nor your fiancee should feel guilty about it.. Best wishes to all of you.

Answer 3

My mom was agoraphobic. She's actually stressing over your getting married and 'losing' you. Therefore, it is not about the place and you might as well book it. Then, sit down with your mother privately and tell her that, while you'll always be her son, it's time for you to marry and maybe give her grandchildren. If she doesn't feel she can come to the wedding, you can visit her after the reception and tell her all about it, even stay in your wedding clothes if she wants. You and your wife-to-be will sometimes make choices that she doesn't like, and she needs to come to terms with that. Some counseling will help, especially with the agoraphobia. Suggest a visit to her doctor for a physical, and see if you can get her to discuss it with him/her for a referral. She can also get anti-anxiety medication. Don't put your wife-to-be in the middle, you need to talk privately with your mother.

Answer 4

Your feeling is correct.
This is only your Mother's problem.
If your mother had cancer- would anyone blame you?
No.
She fears EVERYWHERE- no where will be good enough.
It does not matter where you pick- she will have the same problem of more or lesser degree.

Are you planning to wait to get married until she gets over her phobia?
Not likely- it's not pratical.

If she was bed ridden for years and could not leave the house, you would be forced to have the wedding without her- and no one would bat an eye.

You can still place her phobia in the perspective of a physical illness and gain the same perspective.

She feels this phobia as something very real also.

Talk to her and explain it in a way that if this was something physical, you would still have to proceed without her- the result is the same.

Answer 5

although i know both sets of parents opinions are appreciated and very considered (at least we'll asume thats the case) it IS YOUR decision

try to get your mom to become aquainted with the site(maybe by introducing simular things into her home life thaat she will find at the ceremony site, ie; flowers, foliage, decorations, ect)

also help to calm her fears by talking to her about the ceremony site and what it will be like and how the plans are going and work with her about what she is fearful about.

i say go with the site, you love it, your fiancee loves it, its your wedding

Answer 6

You found one you love, don't change it!

She complained about every site you liked, don't let her choose YOUR site!