My oldest daughter is 21yrs. She's a senior in college and living at home by choice mainly b/c she has suffered from anxieties and slight depression on and off for the last 3yrs. She started dating a wonderful guy about 8ms ago who was here in NJ on business from Italy. He's moving back in Feb and asked my daughter to go back with him last night. She wants to go in May after graduation and has asked for my opinion on the decision several times. I personally don’t think she should go for numerous reasons and worry, but at the same time feel that she should get out on her own, away from home and try things out. But is half way across the world far to test out the waters?
Should I just keep my mouth shut or express my feelings?
2007-12-25 12:51:47 · 10 answers · asked by Jen Y 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I agree with every one of your answers.
I went through a situation sort of like your daughter's when I was her age and am now going through a similar situation with my own two girls, who are going off to college next year.
I had a lot of anxieties about being away from home and traveling as a teen. I went away for school for a month before panicing and transferring so I could live at home. I met my husband while I was in college and he had a job that traveled all over the US. He asked me to marry him when I was 21, a senior in college, and after graduation he wanted me to move out to California with him (we lived in MD at the time). I was nervous, scared and sick for about a month after leaving, but knew my parents were there for me and I always had the option to return home.
With my girls, I have one that has some issues with depression and the other has issues with anxieties like I had. Choosing colleges from them has been torture. They both love schools that are far away from home and want to go, but at the same time they want to have the comfort of family and their home close by. I want them to stay home so I don't have to worry, but at the same time want them to learn to handle these situations and get over their fears. I've expressed my opinions to them, but want them to make their own decision.
I know moving to California with your husband and going off to college isn't the same as moving to Europe with some guy, but the same answer applies. You need to express your feelings and concerns to her, especially if she's asking for them. If this is REALLY something she wants to do and she has thought about the decision through (which I'm sure she hasn't yet) your opinion of it shouldn't change her's very easily. There's so much for her to consider and she'll need a chance to do so. As a parent, "what ifs" are always in the back of your mind. A 21yr, on the other hand, still in some ways thinks like a teenager. For many, when they're offered something that sounds exciting, they want to go for it without looking at the picture from every angle. Most adults still do that. Getting a change to live in Europe with someone who is native to the country is an awesome experience and would be very rewarding. At the same time, it's a completely new enviornment and can cause a lot of issues for someone who doesn't warm up to them so easily.
Sit down with her and lay everything out on the table. Explain that you want to support her decision, will always be there for her and love her, but at the same time to be cautious, think the decision through and make sure this is really something she wants to do. Who knows what will happen in the next 5ms anyway.
Best Wishes
2007-12-25 14:06:06 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Express your feelings without holding her back. Let her know your concerns and worries but don't make the decision for her to stay or go. Just make sure she knows that she has to call you x number of times a week and that if she needed to come back home, the door is open.
I know it must be difficult to watch your daughter leave without knowing everything will be wonderful but it is part of being a parent to watch her stand on her own two feet and maybe even trip and fall sometimes.
2007-12-25 13:00:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm... this is hard. You don't want to push her away by preaching to her, but you don't want to pretend to agree with something that you just don't agree with.
For one thing, it seems like a bad situation for someone with the problems with depression that she has--she will be vulnerable in a country she doesn't know, depending on a man that she doesn't really know that well either. He will easily be able to take advantage of her if he turns out to be that kind of person.
Also, it doesn't seem like a good idea for her to move in with someone she has just met in the same year. I would only suggest moving to Italy with him if he had proposed to her, but then again she just met him. So either way, not really a good thing.
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you haven't thought of. I would probably express my feelings to her, but not in a forceful manner and not with an emotional or pleading tone. Daughters hate pleading. Be honest and kind, but hold yourself back from being controlling. If she makes the decision to go with him, be aware that you can't stop her--and trying to will only hurt your relationship. If she is a Christian, you should pray with her over this and encourage her to ask the Lord to put His will on her heart.
Best wishes and prayers, God bless
2007-12-25 13:18:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
if shes happy with the guy than let her go, if he's really that great there shouldn't be a problem... she's 21 so she's going to make her own decision but you should still express your feelings to her, and let her know if she does decide to go and anything happens, she always has a place to come home too. that way she can go out and try to be on her own, but she won't have to worry so much if things don't work out
2007-12-25 13:56:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
At least she was smart enough to think about school. I'd be worried if she dropped everything and hopped on a plane! I don't think it's too far (kids go to school overseas), but I'd make sure she knows she can come home if she needs to (it would Suck being stuck in another country without anywhere to go!!). Keep in touch with her as well. Tell her your fears-you have alot more experience in life than she does, maybe you'll give her a good reason not to go.
2007-12-25 13:14:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it is tough, but I would have to say that as a mother, you have to tell your daughter how you feel, less live your whole life wishing you had.
I know that if you express your feelings with love, and not in an argumentative way, she will be so much more responsive.
2007-12-25 13:37:23 · answer #6 · answered by gogirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is she happy with this guy?
I wouldn't want my child to go either really but the fact of the matter is that she is an adult. I would express my feelings in a calm and adult matter.
2007-12-25 12:57:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i would definitely express your concerns and just let her know you are there for her and then make sure she has a round trip ticket home just in case. and always be just a phone call away so she will not be so anxious.
2007-12-25 12:57:50 · answer #8 · answered by boopn6869 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I as a teen feel that you should tell her that you love her and that will never change no matter how many miles there are between you and to keep in touch with you.
2007-12-25 13:07:48 · answer #9 · answered by corymerlin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's an adult... maybe she needs to test the waters... !
take care, and we all worry about our kids!
2007-12-25 14:52:17 · answer #10 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋