This is a serious question and I'm honestly not trying to stir up trouble. My son will be 7 in a few days and at this point he doesn't ask much about his birth family. He knows he was adopted and we talk openly about his birth mother and former foster parents whenever the topic arises, but he rarely mentions any of them. I know from research and foster care preparation that birthdays can be traumatic for the adopted child as well as for the birth mother.
Can you tell me how you feel on your birthday? I know some of you have had good adoption experiences and others have not. I'm interested in finding out how you celebrate your birthday, whether it's with family or not, and whatever else you might want to share. I think it would help me to be more understanding if my son has similar feelings on his birthdays.
Many mahalos! :)
2007-12-25 10:04:07 · 23 answers · asked by aloha.girl59 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adoption
Wow! Go you! I admire you for asking this, and I hope my answer is helpful in some way. You're on the right track in talking to your son about his former families openly and often. I can't tell you how impressed I am by that.
I had a wonderful adoption, but my birthday still depresses me--sometimes for two or three weeks. I don't really celebrate it at all these days, but when I lived with my a'parents we celebrated it pretty much as if I were my a'parents' natural child. There was no mention of where I came from at all.
Way to do your research!
2007-12-26 08:32:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋
I never thought a whole lot about my adoptive status on my birthday, but I know my adoptive mother did. She told me once that on every one of my birthdays she wondered if my natural parents thought of me. She was angry with them for not taking care of me. (No, that didn't mean she wasn't glad to have me. I think you can feel both ways at the same time.)
I was not relinquished at birth. I actually spent the first 13 months with my natural parents, then some months in foster care and adopted by age 2. So, my birthday wasn't the day I was separated from my natural family.
I'd say that I thought more about being adopted as I started through my adult years. I'm reunited now, and my natural family is a part of my birthdays.
As far as a "gotcha" or "adoption" day, I would not have liked it very much. I really didn't like having a big deal made of my being adopted. I always knew I was adopted and my adoptive parents always shared what they knew with me, but I also knew that in a perfect world, adoption wouldn't be necessary.
2007-12-26 15:27:31 · answer #2 · answered by LaurieDB 6 · 5⤊ 1⤋
When I was a kid, I really didn't think about my "birth" mom. I celebrated my birthdays & had as much fun as anyone. I've never had a problem around my birthday. In fact, fall is one of my favorite times of year, because it starts off with my birthday, followed by Halloween, then flows into the holiday season....
Take cues from your son. Always keep the subject of his birth family open & allow him to talk about it whenever he wants. But you don't necessarily need to bring up the topic unless he does. Nor do you need to avoid it. The most important thing is that he feels free to talk. And he knows that YOU won't be hurt if he talks about it.
I'd suggest celebrating his birthday like any other 7 year old. With friends, with family.
Good luck!
2007-12-25 22:52:18 · answer #3 · answered by Robin 5 · 7⤊ 1⤋
I really don't think about it on my birthday. Sometimes I'll think about when I wonder what nationality I am. Otherwise, I'm fine now. I used to stress over who my "birth mother" was when I was younger and what she looks like. My adoptive mom has always been very caring and supportive. She is wonderful and the only mother I know.
2007-12-25 22:10:25 · answer #4 · answered by Greentea4unme 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel fine on my birthdays I always have. I never like was depressed on my birthday. As far as what I do typical just go out to dinner somewhere with family. I really don’t make a big deal out of my birthday it just another year gone by. My birthday was the one day when I was younger that I would think of birthmother but I wouldn’t be thinking about her all day on my birthday. I just have a few thoughts wonder if she remembers me etc. Then I’d move on and just enjoy my day. As I’ve gotten older time just seems to fly by and it really just seems like any other day. I don’t feel any different the day before my birthday, then I do that day after my birthday. I don’t feel older or anything. Just another year has passed. A day for gifts and well wishes.
2007-12-26 17:56:37 · answer #5 · answered by Spread Peace and Love 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My birthday is an normal day... I feel happy that I'm older, but disturbed that I had to be given up at such a young age.. I was adopted at the age of 4 months old.. I don't hold any gruges against my biological family, I even talk to my biological father on my birthday... Hell, he still calls me his "Princess" everybody who is adopted is and will act differently on their birthday... All depends on how it was spent the year before last.
2007-12-27 04:02:13 · answer #6 · answered by qtairforcebrat22 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a child, I never gave much thought to being adopted or my natural parents on my birthdays, except perhaps fleetingly. I usually enjoyed my birthday and looked forward to the cake and presents, etc.
As I got into my teens, I began to care less and less about celebrating my birthday. This continued into adulthood until I began to have an aversion to celebrating my birthday. I didn't really know why at the time, but now I think that I was suppressing my feeling about being adopted and my birthday made that more difficult.
Now, I do think about my natural parents and actually feel more compelled to contact my natural mom on my birthday more than my adoptive parents. I still hate 'celebrating' my birthday, because I don't feel like it was a very happy day for me.
2007-12-26 00:22:34 · answer #7 · answered by . 4 · 7⤊ 1⤋
As far as i can see you are doing a really good job being a mum, telling your son about his birth family and all should be mandatory, i reckon if my mum did that with me i wouldnt have went off the rails in my teen years
I was adopted at 6months, im geussing you have had your son from the early stages aswell
I never thought about it at that age and all the other people i have met who are adopted have said they started getting curious when they started academy
Thats when birthdays began to get hard for me
I thought, whats my mum thinking right now
Is she thinking about me
I thought why didnt she want me and all
I wish i had my mum there to tell me the answers to these things and give me comfort on my birthday
Its good that you have picked up on how your son might feel
Lots of love and reasurence that even though he didnt grow in your tummy for 9months your still his real mum since you brought him up
Im sure he has alot of this so far
Hopefully hel be too busy playing with his new toys than to think about that just yet
2007-12-26 09:40:16 · answer #8 · answered by Katiee Baybee 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
As a kid, I thought about bparents a lot the days leading up to my birthday and the days afterward...but I was always too busy having fun on my birthday to remember to think about them...and I always felt guilty that I had forgotten to think of bparents on THE day that so connected us. I always wondered if they thought about me.
Certainly, this issue will be different for everyone, and different throughout the many stages of life. Since you are the parent, I really think that it is your job to bring up the topics of conversation that are relevant. Kids won't ask unless they are sure that you are comfortable answering...and not just about adoption.
2007-12-25 23:16:16 · answer #9 · answered by Torrejon 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Hello, I was placed into the foster care system as soon as I was born. I am 38 and currently in the process of adopting my second foster child. Birthdays were no different for me then any other day. You have done your part with letting him know that he is adopted. I don't think that I really understood until about the 5th grade.
If you feel that you and your child have a good relationship then don't feel rejected if your child wants to locate his birth parents and siblings. I personally did not care to meet my birth parents but was interested in any siblings and my family history/medical. I was gratefull that my birth parents gave me up for adoption since they were not in a position to take good care of me.
2007-12-25 21:16:20 · answer #10 · answered by John 3 · 3⤊ 3⤋