Partner who is not good with children?

Question

How do you cope or come to terms with things if you know your partner is bad with chldren? I mean if the partner neglects and shouts at your child, and doesnt teach the child any of things the child needs to learn to grow up
The problem is as parents you have to leave the child alone witht he other half sometimes to go to work or to go shopping for example, but it makes me so sad that the child is not getting the care the child needs all the time
I love my partner so splitting is not an option, my partner does love our child but is just failing in their job as a parent
It keeps me awake at night Im so sad for the child and just racking my brain trying to think of how to cope

i have deliberately used the term "the child" so that you dont know if the child is male or female, i would never normally use such a term

sorry the child does come first, where did i say otherwise?

ok lets help a little - the partner who is not good with children is the mother, despite most people assuming it must be the guy. so moving out is not an option as the child would stay with mother
by "not good with children" i mean not teaching a 4 year old to potty train, eat anything other than milk food, speak, meet other children, and not playing with the child at all, just ignoring the child, as a few starters.
At present i work full time (wife is house wife) and work on all the above from 6-8 every night when back from work, but it breaks my heart she gets nothing during the day

Answer 1

Have you tried making suggestions (without being patronising or bullying) to let her know that you have some ideas about the way things could be done, rather than the way she is doing them now, as you can see that she is having problems because your child is reacting by behaving badly?
This might help

Other than that you could try and have a word with your gp and see if they have a health visitor system in progress

Or you could approach your gp and see if there are any mother and baby groups about in your area.

Sometimes it may help if it comes from another mum rather than you as she may think you are bringing up her inadequacies, and that isnt helping anyone...

Answer 2

Is your partner the parent of the child and how long have they been living with you and the child?

If they are new to having a child they may not know what their role is and what a child needs. If this is the case you need to have a bit of a talk and spell out what your partner needs to do for your child - perhaps even leave some parenting books around (maybe make a point of also reading them yourself so your partner doesn't feel you are targeting him/her). Don't expect it to come naturally looking after children can be daunting.

Remember your child has to come first in all situations and if you don't feel right leaving your child with your partner or feel your child is suffering in any way in his/her home environment you need to change that environment.

Answer 3

Did your partner have a neglected upbringing? He may only be repeating the pattern. You say he loves you and your child, then he probably needs to be either counseled on childcare or maybe take some parenting classes. If he does not have the background to be a good parent it might be that he just does not have the information he needs in order to be a good parent. Not everyone is born with a maternal or nurturing instinct and it may be the case he needs to consiously learn how to be an effective and caring parent. If he really cares about you and your child then he would find the time and damn the excuses.

Answer 4

I know other women who have had this problem. Mostly this involves partners who are extremely work oriented and really don't care all that much for their children. I would hazard to guess that your partner is rather self-absorbed, but mental illness and even Asperger's syndrome can fall in the same category.

You need to find alternative child care if you leave and can't rely on your partner. As the child gets older, (say 4 or 5) you will have to take the time to explain to the child that it is not the child's fault that his/her parent is a loser at being a parent.

Answer 5

The thing is, this is your perception of what is right.

Neglect?? What neglect is happening when you nip to the shops??

If you have sleepless nights over this, and unless it is more serious than it seems, I would say you need to go to your doctors.

If you partner is letting your baby wander out into the street in front of cars, that is neglect.
I suspect you are talking about letting the child cry for 10 minutes. Where as your parenting involves running instantly to help.

We each have our own parenting ethics or way of doing things and levels of understanding and empathy towards the child. Whilst your partner may love you and the children, he may not know exactly how to be with them and not possess the skills you think you have. Give him a break I would say, or your children will loose their daddy.

What I mean is your partner may not be like your parents! Or exactly how you want him to be with the kids because he is not you!

So don't be so tough on him, he's just being himself. Shouting at the kids may be the only way he knows how to deal with them.

Maybe his parents were the same. As for them not getting the exact care you want them to get while you are out.... what do you want?? Mrs doubtfire?

He's just a bloke and I bet your kids will love him to bits forever.

Answer 6

Okay, so the wife is a loser, and since you have played games asking this question, you're not much better. But, at least you do realize the hazards before they escalate, which is what will happen at some point down the line.
You need to go to child services, but with actual proof of whatever you plan to say.
You also say you love your wife, but are so saddened by what is happening. How can you love a child abuser? And if you continue to ignore this situation, you are the same.

Answer 7

She needs help.
She must admit she needs it too.
She is probably scared and doesn't know how things need to be done (yes this does happen) and ignores the child as an escape thing.
Parenting classes may be an option.
Build a support network for her - family, health visitors are great with providing the help needed.
Don't judge your partner, support her - this is a must for both the child and your partners sake. Happy parents - happy children.

Answer 8

Find out WHY she's not doing any of that. Maybe she's lazy. Maybe she just wanted you to keep her up, if you have money in the bank. Maybe she didn't have a proper upbringing herself. Maybe she doesn't really love the child. If that's the case, then yes, the child needs only the parent that loves him or her living in the same house. If it's the improper upbringing, time for parenting classes. If she doesn't want to improve, you'll have to split. Her not wanting to make an effort shows that she doesn't love you.

Answer 9

You need to think LONG and HARD about your relationship with this person. Also, you need to think LONG and HARD about leaving your child with this person that you know is "not good with children". I have a feeling there's more to this story that you are willing to tell. I suspect that this situation is much worse than you are saying. You intentionally do not say if the child is male or female OR if the partner is male or female. If anything happens to this child when you leave the child with your partner who is "not good with children", then you will be held liable too. You are already guilty of neglect at the very least. Don't leave your child with this person.

Answer 10

Your first mistake is not recognizing this before you became seriously involved. If you did recognize it and continued the relationship, then you aren't very wise.

Your second mistake is putting your selfish needs before your child and calling him/her "the child". Basically put, what you said was you love your partner but you will not split up. This simply means I love my partner more than I love my child and if sacrificing the welfare of my child means staying with the man I love, I'll do it. Therefore, your partner is not the only bad parent.

I strongly suggest you speak to a counselor and seek recommendations of child rearing classes. It is CRUCIAL for your child to have PROPER care. If your partner refuses to take classes, then he doesn't love your child and he should out the door within seconds. Do the right thing, put the child first.