Husband put's his family before me and our kids?

Question

My husband is constantly putting his mother and his sister and cousin's before me and his children. He spent most of Christmas Eve with them and brought in Christmas with them while the kids and I stayed home. He keeps this family and his other family separated. He knows that I according to God's word am supposed to be first in his life as his wife. His reply to that is "Oh well, that's my family and as long as my mother is alive that's the way it is going to be". He has even tatoo'd his mother's name on his arm. He wants the benefit's of a wife but does not put any effort into the marriage. I pay most of the bills, I make his breakfast every morning before he goes to work, I wash his clothes and even pays his truck note. Most of his money stays in his pocket because he knows that even if he does not give me any money that I will not let the bills go lacking because of the children. I am looking for Christian counseling and advice on this. What do I do??

Answer 1

Divorce is too early to consider. But you need to start establishing ultimatums. Such as... Treat me as I treat you.

If he will not be a good husband, stop being such a good wife and perhaps he will start to see how you feel.

If not, he is an idiot and it may be time to leave him.

Answer 2

Is this is new situation, or did you know that he was like this before you married him and had children with him? When you were engaged, did he take you around his mother and sister? Have the children spent time with his family in the past?

If this is the way its always been, then now is not the time to start complaining. This is an issue that should have been dealt with before you made children with this man.

If its a relatively new thing, look back and see if you can figure out when it started. Did you and his mother have a disagreement, or did your kids and his cousins not get along? You have to identify the underlying problem, or you'll never be able to fix things. And even though counseling is a good idea, if he has made his mind up -- as he says he has -- then counseling may not do any good.

You need to tell him that his not holding up his end of the bargain in your marriage. If he wants to keep things separate, than he needs to start paying his bills and you pay yours. Provide for yourself and your children, and let him fend for himself.

Answer 3

You got your self a very selfish inconsiderate husband. Speak to your pastor and arrange a counseling meeting with him and his wife. There are also counseling services from your local government.

If no result, tell him that until he behaves like a husband you will do nothing for him as wife. Eg no food for him, no laundry, no sex etc. Also do not pay the rent and if he does not pay it either, go to court and get an order. He is legally obliged to support his family.

All the time keep telling him that you are not trying to break up, only standing up for your human rights for the sake of the children.

I am afraid that in the end, he may still not change.
But if you have to break up, so be it. What you have is not marriage.

Answer 4

If you are able to provide for yourself and the children, then you should do so. If there are any bills in his name, just stop paying them. When he get's collection notices or gets his truck reposessed maybe he'll wake up. If that doesn't work, take his children away from him, get a divorce, and most likely you win the custody battle in court. Mothers almost always win custody trials. Then the courts will force him to pay child support, something he doesn't seem to do, so far.

You have the choice whether you want to live with a bully or not. And yes I mean bully, it doesn't have to be physically to be a bully. He is bullying you and the children emotionally. You should not force yourself to put up with that for the sake of the children. I know many children that have done well even though their parents are divorced. My wife is one.

Next, it's important for one to get to know all about a person before jumping into a relationship. It is clear to me that you weren't aware of what you were unaware of what you were getting yourself into with this jerk. Let that be a lesson for the future.

You could also try having a one on one conversation with his mother. Let her know how serious a situation this is for you and the children. If she refuses to cut the umbilical cord, then you are going to have to take some action. That's all there is to it.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim of a bully.

Answer 5

I think you should tell your mother-in-law, in no uncertain terms, that marriage to her son is a bum deal because he is such a moma's boy. Tell her you're going on a total housework boycott until she teaches her son how to properly treat his wife. Tell her, if she doesn't straighten him out, she's welcome to have him back. Put the screws to your mother-in-law. She's almost certainly the source of your problem. Moma's boys are made, not born. Your husband needs to regard you as the alpha female in his life, or he isn't really your mate -- not instinctively, anyway. If the little wussy is so afraid of his losing his mother that he's unable to form his own family unit, you're far better off without him. The best thing that could happen would be if you and your mother-in-law were able to connect as women. Then the two of you could collaborate on helping your Moma's boy learn to become a man.

Answer 6

This sounds all too familiar, as my sister is in a similar situation. She is a Christian, and wants to do what God wants, and he "claims" to be a Christian, but has no fruits to show for it. They are ALWAYS fighting about family, because he is divorced from his first wife, and has 4 kids by that marriage. He puts them first, so he doesn't upset his ex wife, because he wants to see the kids, but the kids don't want to come see him anyway, and yada, yada, yada! It's all a big, big mess. Anyway, if he is treating you this way, he has no regard for your marriage. He hasn't left his "mommy" yet. the Bible tells us that a man must LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER, AND CLING TO HIS WIFE.
But, it sounds like you already know that. I would suggest you get some counseling by your pastor, or if you don't go to church, you could call another pastor to counsel you. some will do it, some won't, but you definetly need some sound advice on what you should do. Check out "Christian Counseling on the web, and see what kind of advice they can give you. Please don't forget to pray for your husband. He is very misguided, and is in need of prayer. But, that doesn't mean you need to let him walk all over you, and treat you like you don't even exist. Do you want to go to his family's house for holidays? Does he even ask you to go along, or does he just tell you he's going? If you are the one who wants nothing to do with his family, then you need to think about that, too. I will keep you in my prayers, dear one. God Bless. and please seek counseling immediately.

Answer 7

Are you sure it is his mother's name tattooed on his arm? If you are taking care of everything and he keeps most of his money...........what does this say to you? What would you say if one of your daughter's were treated this way? Some people hide behind religion and do not actually believe what they are saying. This is no way to treat anyone, especially a wife and children. Why does he not include you with his family? Does he have another family you are not aware of? Don't settle for this, life is too short, there are many jerks that will treat you badly. Are you not worthy of a better life? I would speak with a counsel in your church, if you are not satisfied with your answer, and he is not interested in changing, it's time to make a decision for a better life for you and your children.

Answer 8

sweetheart if you are fed up then i say this to you find someone else that will appreciate your kindness and goodheart as a wife if it has been going on for a long time then i would just move around and when he wants sex tell him no he cant have it until he's able to realize that he has a family and they should be part of his life as well yes those are his parents and family but he can even compromise split it up you have time with the parents and cousins and all but a HUSBAND NEEDS TO TAKE CARE HOME FIRST im not married but my brother is and this is how i know home comes first if its not a family emergency then he needs to be at home with his wife (cause you are a damn good wife and he aint gone find no one else like you) and kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I strongly advise you to seek "real" Christian marital counseling. He can't continue to do that. That is not just biblically wrong, but emotionally/financially/humanly wrong. I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you need to take care of yourself and the children. Let him care for himself. Maybe that will get his attention. I know that seems cruel.But he's being cruel. The children are paying the most. Not only that.But they will repeat this in the next generation.God Bless!

Answer 10

i know you don't want to hear this--

but you are unequally yoked to this person.
marriage was sanctified by G-d to make the TWO into ONE. It sounds like you don't have that, and my heart goes out to you.

Add to that the fact that, "if a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat" and while he may have a job, he isn't providing for you and your children because you are NOT his priority. A man is supposed to cleave to his wife, and he's not ready for this.

You need to re-evalute your relationship, and decide if you can live the rest of your life with someone who is not your soulmate. I'm not telling you to get a divorce or separation, but you DO need to say to yourself "i can live with this" or "I deserve more"...make the choice.

Answer 11

I am not an expert, but i really think you need to sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel. It seems he is taken you for granted and thinks you will put up with whatever he does. You need to show him you won't put up with this. My husband was taking me for granted and i had to leave him for a little while and tell him what i need in order to come back and he changed and did a complete turn around and know we are happier than ever!!!!!!! we been married for 17 yrs together 19. Hope it works out for you 2!!!!