Grieving my mother this Christmas...need help?

Question

This is my 3rd Christmas without my mother. She passed away alittle over 2 years. I seem to feel that I should be over my mother's death...but I am not. Right now I am spending Christmas just my father and I. He is very distant and hasn't been overly supportive with me. I guess he grieves in his own way.
I was talking to a dear friend of mine...who's like a big sister to me online this morning. I love her so much and I broke down in front of her. I started crying and became very emotional. I was alittle upset when this happen. She said to me"if you are going to cry I am not going to talk to you". I know she doesn't like to see me upset but I didn't like that comment. She has been very supportive to me. Should I be upset as her statement...would you?? Nobody seems to understand the loss of a mother. Should I say something to my friend? What would you do? Thanks

Answer 1

I lost my mom just after my 7th birthday and it's taken me years and years and years to get over it (every birthday acts as my reminder). I think what makes the difference is the amount of support you get - the amount of opportunites you get to pour your feelings out - and having folks who provide these opportunities to let your feelings out, without judgment or criticism. Grief is a process and if you don't have the opportunity to process your way through it, you'll supress it - and that's what keeps grieving alive and well.

If no one is acting as a sympathetic ear for you, find a therapist - for your own mental health.

Answer 2

No. Even if you want to move on, want to continue with your life it is hard to pick up the pieces. When you lose a baby to adoption (and yes, contrary to popular thought, adoption IS a loss to the mother), there is never any closure. No funeral to celebrate that baby, no validation of the pain you suffer, just an expectation for you to move on and continue as if you never had that baby. The thing is, when you take a mother's baby from her, you cast her into a completely alien land. A place where the lights have gone out and it is a very lonely, isolated and cold place. At the beginning, suicide is a common thought for many mothers; self harming, hanging onto sanity by a mere thread. How do you take a baby from a mother and tell her to forget him/her? And how do you grieve for a baby that is not dead? For the mother, in some ways, the baby is dead. Yet people tell her she is lucky because the child is still alive. This doesn't help. Mothers need validation of their loss and constant support. You can be going along fine and a song on the radio or a mention of a name, word etc can trigger that primal grief and you can be unable to breathe or move again and the loss feels just as profound as it did the day you first experienced it. This pain is very difficult to explain to anyone who has not walked in these shoes.

Answer 3

You are right about your dad, he probably is grieving in his own way.

as for the dear friend. You have every right to be a little upset that she what she did. that is just wrong. but your friend might had a lot of things going on, and with today being Christmas.... but still should have tried to be more supportive. I would be upset is someone said that to me... it makes me think about when I was little.."stop your crying or I give you something to cry about". that just really bothered me... makes me feel that crying is a bad thing, and it isn't. it is kinda of a cleansing of the soul to cry. but beware when you cry too hard or too much, you will have side effects like red puffy eyes.. stuffed up nose, and a pounding headache . *smile- it was a little bit of a joke but true too*
I would maybe tell your friend at a later time that it upset you that she said that.

I think you should find a grief support group. They are almost always free, and if you need more help than that then seek help with a therapist.

I have yet to lose a very close friend or family member to death. But I know that my grandma could die sometime soon and that will be very hard on me...so I will be finding a support group in the future as well. and talking to my therapist about it, since I already see one.

Answer 4

You have my deepst sympathies. I lost my mother to cancer almost five years ago, and though it gets easier, there are still a lot of times when I miss her. The holidays are rough for people who grieve....I can't speak for everyone, but I always feel hurt at how unfair it is. My mother should be with us, celebrating. The first Christmas after she died, I couldn't even stay at my Dad's house....I left in tears, and went home.
Your friend wasn't very supportive, but it's possible that she's going through something herself, or had some other reason. If she's otherwise kind and helpful to you, I'd let it go. If this sort of thing happens often, you may consider facing the fact that she's not a very good friend.
Is there someone you can talk to? A counselor, a close friend, a therapist? Dealing with death is very, very hard, and it gets worse at special times like holidays. I hope this helps, and I hope your pain begins to fade. Believe me, I understand what you're going through. Hang in there.

Answer 5

That "friend" of yours who said she wouldn't talk to you if you were going to cry is no friend. Get some new ones who will be supportive and sympathetic.

Grieving is different for everyone; it is healthy to cry, it is unhealthy no to.

You may be stuck in a certain spot, but remember it is the holidays and that brings sadness to those who have lost someone close. If you function well at any other time of the year, just understand you can control your thoughts at this time.

Get some grief counseling, it may help you move on better.

Answer 6

That's hard! And that can't be a fun way to spend the holidays.

Don't say anything to your friend, at least yet. Instead, write her a letter about what happened and how you feel. Then rewrite it when you feel you won't break down again.

You might want to get some counseling, but don't worry that you aren't 'over' your grief yet: Sometimes it does take more than one year, though the first year is the worst.

Many hugs, Sweetheart. Feel better.

Answer 7

Hello,
My father passed on after thanksgiving 18 years ago.
All of us had his Christmas presents under the tree back then. He was sick for some time but nothing can prepare someone for this kind of thing.
It takes years and some people never get over such a thing.
People do not like others bringing them down, sorry to say but it is fact. you need to grieve, your father needs to grieve.

I would not consider a person who would say something like that to me a friend. Friends do not say that to friends.

I am so sorry for you and your father. I wish you the best!!

Answer 8

Yeah, I'd be upset if a friend told me not to have feelings for someone I loved and missed. My emotions are what makes me who I am... a caring person. To tell me not to feel is telling me not to be who I am. We all deal with things differently. I think it's better to let your emotions out rather than to keep them locked up. That eventually causes all kinds of problems. Statistics show it can cause mental health and even physical health issues. So go on keep crying as long as you need to. Grieving is natural and healthy if done in persective.

Answer 9

I lost my mum seven years ago now and the one thing that got me throw it was my family and friends. I think u should try talking to ya dad about it. But ask him how he’s feeling to. Also your friend might have just had a bad day. Ask what happening in her life and how she’s feeling.

And sorry to say mate. but yall never fully get over it but in time it wont hurt as much.

Hope this helped.

And hope you have had a great Christmas and you have a great new year.

Answer 10

She's an internet friend, probably not too good.

You need to find better friends, it is the lack of friend or family that is the cause of your problem *more* than your mothers death.

You need someone to be with and you haven't got that, that is why your not recovering.

You must go out and find ways of meeting people and getting to know them.

Ask people online to help you do so.