Forcing the man I love to walk in the shadow of all that have ever hurt me. . .?

Question

I love him.
No matter how much I love him. There is only a certain point that I can reach with my emotions and heart and I can get no closer to him. I cannot get close.

I went through hell all my life. I am used to caous. I am used to everything blowing up in my face. Used to getting hurt deeply. Used to those the closest to me, hurting me the most. I resent my biological and my step father.

Now, I am trying to be in a relationship.

Everything he says I automatically believe he is lying to me and try to figure out what the truth really is.
I don't trust him to be sincere or genuine. It is like I cannot believe that he is truly in love with me.
I resent him, sometimes for no reason. I keep waiting for him to hurt me.
I keep trying to figure out how he is manipulating me.

My whole past, I thought was behind me. Now, that I am in a relationship. Everyone that has hurt me, all the violence I saw, and etc-from my past. I keep waiting for him to turn into.

When I met him, I had no idea that men had emotions that they were capable of feeling. I was raised by a very cold man. That did not care about me and he told me he didn't.

So now, I cannot fathom that the guy I am with, can actually love me. Is capable of caring about me. Is not going to hurt me one day.

It is like. I can't see that it is not selfish love that he has for me. I keep analyzing him and trying to figure him out. He is so nice, I can't except it. I keep waiting for the moment that I see the real him.

All I can think is that he says whatever he thinks I want to hear, that he has a deep interlining agenda and that none of what he does or says is real.

Has anyone ever had this problem before?

How do you trust, when all you have ever known is heartache?

At times, I feel like I keep trying to sabatoge the relationship.

I just do not understand this. I don't get how he could be for real.

Advice please. How do you know when it is real?

Answer 1

Your story sounds like what my ex-wife would tell me, if she was honest to me. I am in the exact same position as your man. My ex has suffered that abuse from age 3 from her uncle & father, pack rape as a teenager by her supposed boyfriend and his mates, physical abuse & alcoholism & gambling addictions from former partners, and I come into her life and have contributed NONE of the above in her life. I love her deeply, and while I could do nothing to change her past, I cherished her, and strove to give her a better future. But she treated me as you are treating your man, and put me in the same disgusting catergory as her abusers. Everything I tried to do, to get her to believe in me failed. And here we are, 2 people who once loved each other living seperate lives. She "justifies" her treatment of me by convincing herself that I am just like her abusers. ALL MEN ARE THE SAME she says. Wake up girl.....IF YOU LOVE THIS MAN, THEN SEPERATE HIM FROM YOUR ABUSERS. Just love him for what HE is to you, not what THEY were to you.............

Answer 2

What happened to you earlier influenced your nervous system and programmed your thinking for your protection and survival. It is the programming of constantly having to be alert, surveilleing people for signs of danger, always prepared to distance themselves emotionally so they can survive. This is pretty challenging stuff now you don't need this level of self-defense. It's in your way, and you can't remove it by intellect or even wanting to. Some younger parts of you are still convinced that you need these defenses to survive.

So what everyone else said is right. Therapy with a good therapist is extremely useful for exploring these defenses that allowed you to survive so far, and then deciding which ones to keep and which ones to put into a back closet or maybe reduce to a lower level.

This isn't really about your boyfriend, it's more about a wish to be free. It's a very positive sign that you've picked a nice guy, though. I know from your insightfulness that you can change and be more free.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Answer 3

I feel like I just read something that I wrote...you sound exactly like me. The way I did it is not the best way to handle this fragile situation...it worked for me but I just got lucky. I now have no more brick wall between him and I and he has all of me to the point where we are almost one person. It truly is an amazing feeling to have someone this close knowing that they will never hurt you especially coming from the types of lives we had. I think the best thing to start with is some counseling, let him know exactly how you feel and say that you would like to try counseling with him. Take it from there. I really hope everything works out for you because you will find life so much more worth living when you have someone so close to you. Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

Get professional help. I would try individual counseling for yourself first to get a basis, then have some couples counseling. sounds like a great guy, and with the past you have described, you may be right about your ability to sabotage this relationship.
Get yourself some help. Go easy on yourself, the holidays can bring back so many memories (both good and bad) that will color these days. Make new memories to replace the bad. Involve your mate in those memories and begin to move on with your current life. Slowly moving away from all the hurt you have experienced. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Maybe you should learn to like yourself. You have been taught your whole life that you don't matter. So if you want to have a good relationship, then you need to find out that you have a whole wealth to offer someone, and until you do, you will never enjoy your full potential. Not only in a relationship, but everyday friends, jobs, alone time. If you must go see someone and get that break through to how wonderful you really are.

Answer 6

hi Jennifer, this question desires an Irish style. whilst i grew to become into youthful I heard Love defined as follows" a million) A fake effect between 2 fools. 2) First, the Engagement Ring, 2d the marriage Ring observed by employing the go through-Ring. I hasten to function, that i do no longer have confidence the two of those quotations through fact as extremely everyone is conscious, Love is - in no way having to ask for forgiveness!

Answer 7

There is no guarantee on love. He could mean everything he says and still fall out of love with you some time in the future.
Give it some time with him and relax and enjoy the now.

Answer 8

Get counseling so you can move beyond this. It will help you. Both you and he deserve this, and I GUARANTEE it will work. Do it if you love him, AND you will also learn to LOVE YOURSELF.

Be kind to yourself on this Christmas day.

Answer 9

I suggest that you two go to counseling together to work this out.

Answer 10

what???